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Self battle, Lonely or just aloof?

 
 
Mamae
 
Reply Tue 28 Apr, 2020 04:55 am
Hi. It's my first time on here seeking for opinions, advice or maybe just thoughts of the situation I'm in.

I am a 25 years old woman who has been living my life in simplest way possible. Growing up, I only spend my time practicing choir in the church, goes home, wake up for school and then back to church. This has been my routine until I graduated high school. When I found out my parents can't enroll me to college, I left the province and went to the capital which is miles away from home. I took care of everything then, got myself a job and at the same time goes to school. I graduated college a year ago and it was fulfilling. I now have a stable job that pays pretty well, enough for me to feed myself and my parents back home.

But why? After all the things I have achieved, I do not feel happy. I kind of like have a hint why but not so sure if I should address it and if I have to, where do I start? You see, I have done all this things just by myself. Supported myself, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and of course physically by doing lots of jobs to fend myself. What I am saying is, I do not have a friend I can talk to when I feel depress or when things get too overwhelming for me. I have no shoulder to cry on. I like to keep things to myself and even mastered the art of ignoring my feelings. There are some people who tries to approach me and I do talk to them normally and after that brief conversation, I turn my back and think of that person and think what could they want from me by talking to me. You see, some people likes to talk behind your back and judge you. Maybe this is why I do not like making friends because I do not like to be betrayed one day or maybe because we humans like to grab each other down. You know, what's also weird is I sometimes feel like I think differently than other people. I don't think highly of myself, not at all. I just think I am different. I do not have friends and I am fine with that. I feel like I do not need one until recently. I'm not exactly sure what changed. I do not know what to do and where to start. But I do think I need to change for the people who cares for me.


I don't know if writing here is right but I somehow feel like I need an outlet to get rid of this feeling.
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PUNKEY
 
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Reply Tue 28 Apr, 2020 05:42 am
There are lots of contradicting statements in your post - push and pull. It sounds like you yearn for connections, yet you push away. You want, yet turn from opportunities .

There seems to be trust issues. These are developed as a child. Were you let down or betrayed by someone before? Do you feel as though you have to do everything yourself, including now being in the parent role for your own parents? How is it that you are supporting your parents?

Want friends? I suggest you start small. Do some volunteer work and find someone to befriend. Keep it casual.

There’s nothing wrong with being a loner. You have control about how much you want to let other people “in” - so take small steps, but first commit yourself to making a change.
Mamae
 
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Reply Tue 28 Apr, 2020 06:58 am
@PUNKEY,
Now that I think about it, I think I have developed trust issues when I was laughed at by my "friends" at church. I was still young back then, probably around 13-14. I had a crush with a boy and have told some of my church friends about it and me wanting to be noticed, I put some make up on my face one day and then I was laughed at by that boy. My confidence was shattered. My "friends" laughed on my face and told the others I had a crush on that boy. I think that was the time when I started faking my smiles and when I also started to see people differently. People likes to show you want you wanted to see and once they turn their backs, they removed their mask then and start saying bad things about you. I never trust the people around me since then. I have this mentality that people around me are irrelevant and will one day turn their backs on me and then I'll be left alone again. I don't know if I'll be able to change this. I don't know how and where to start.
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