File #6: More On My Philosophy (Part 22/26)
Other Person's Response: When you feel disgust towards others, and feel like harming them during your miserable moments, do you later regret it after you've fully recovered?
My Reply: Yes. But, during my miserable struggles, I don't really feel regret. I just feel violent. As a matter of fact, I felt extreme violence during my miserable struggles. I felt like vaporizing myself, along with this entire universe. There were certain people I hated, and I felt like they should be vaporized. But, as for the rest of humanity, I didn't care about them. I didn't hate them, and neither could I love them, since love is a positive emotion, and I didn't have my positive emotions during these miserable struggles.
Instead, I just felt like destroying literally everything, along with myself. I had no regard for my life, or the lives of others, and I became an overly dramatic, dangerous person on the inside. But, like I said, I didn't act out on that emotion one bit. Once I've recovered, I found myself asking: "How could I have wanted to destroy this beautiful Earth and universe?" I also found myself asking: "How could I have wanted to harm my mother? She's beautiful, innocent, and she doesn't deserve it!"
Actually, I know why I felt violent towards her during my miserable struggles. It's because the slightest thing can trigger a feeling of rage during these struggles. If someone has a bit of a stern personality towards me, that would make me feel violent. If someone displays a bit of an agitated tone towards me, that would make me feel violent as well. But, when I'm happy and enjoying my life, these things don't make me feel violent at all. As a matter of fact, they don't even bother me.
Other Person's Response: I see just how serious and dire of a situation you're in when you have these miserable struggles.
My Reply: Yes. It's important that I'm happy and enjoying my life.
Other Person's Response: During your miserable struggles, did you try telling yourself that it doesn't matter what others think of you, or how they treat you? Didn't that prevent you from feeling violent towards these people?
My Reply: Not at all. I couldn't help but feel violent during these struggles.
Other Person's Response: So, during your miserable struggles, you could only hate, and not love? But, once you've fully recovered, you could only love, and not hate?
My Reply: Correct. I could only have negative experiences during these struggles, and I could only have positive experiences once fully recovered.
Other Person's Response: While we're on the topic of violence, I wish to say something. If someone treated me very kindly, but then harmed and/or slaughtered me, since I did or said something this person didn't like, that wouldn't be a good or loving person. Just because I made the wrong move doesn't make me a horrible or disgusting person who deserved to be killed.
As a matter of fact, I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect, even during moments I might say or do the wrong thing, since, overall, I'm a polite gentlemen. I'm not someone disgusting who deserves to be wiped off the face of this Earth.
If I were to go up to a lion, the lion treats me kindly, but I then do or say something that results in the lion devouring me, did that make me a horrible person who deserved to be devoured? No! I'm still a beautiful person, and that lion was just a dangerous beast, and nothing more!
My Reply: I just hope I don't act out on my violent feelings during my miserable struggles then. But, I don't think anybody has to worry about that anymore, since all these struggles are done and over with.
Other Person's Response: If Jake was violent, and wanted to harm a kind individual (Jon), simply because Jon did something Jake didn't like, then imagine if someone as kind and loving as Michael Jackson was there, told Jake he should love others more, and not be so violent. If Jake then became violent towards MJ, since he didn't like MJ's advice, and harmed, or even killed MJ, then that would be a repulsive person.
My Reply: Now, I wouldn't feel violent towards MJ during my miserable struggles (if he was alive, and was there with me). I just feel violent towards certain people, and I can't help feeling that way. Also, there are those types of people who feel violent, not because they have other issues going on in their lives, but simply because someone did something, or said something, this person didn't like. When I feel violent during moments people mistreat me or name call me, it's because there are issues going on in my life, such as having devastating worries because, normally, I don't feel violent at all. As a matter of fact, I don't even feel angry or upset.
Other Person's Response: I think people, who don't feel violent hatred, are more developed people because they don't have violent, hateful thought processes to make them feel violent hatred.
My Reply: Yes. But, having an emotional crisis would put you in an inferior state of being, where you'd feel hate and rage. So, I'm in that inferior state when I'm having an emotional crisis. But, once I'm fully recovered, I return back to my normal, higher developed state, where I no longer feel hate, disgust, rage, etc.
Other Person's Response: You've learned to keep your thoughts healthy in order to prevent bringing more misery upon yourself. That would be a form of development right there because you changed your thoughts from negative to positive.
My Reply: Yes. When you change your thoughts to stop making yourself feel miserable, violent, or stressed, then you've developed as an individual.
Other Person's Response: There's also character development in terms of changing one's philosophy. You have yet to develop in this area.
My Reply: Yes. I haven't developed in terms of my values (if there are greater values I have yet to obtain). But, at least I've developed in terms of no longer worrying, and having other negative thoughts, that only make me miserable.
Other Person's Response: If you're in the midst of an emotional crisis, and you act out on your emotions by saying, or doing something, that hurts, and/or offends people, you'd have to tell them this isn't who you are normally because, normally, you're a kind, polite person.
My Reply: Yes. If I don't tell them that, then they'd get the impression that this is who I am all the time. When I'm a happy person, many people love me, and I'm polite.
Other Person's Response: When you're in the midst of an emotional crisis, do you perceive yourself, and your mother, as disgusting?
My Reply: Yes. This feeling creates a disgusting relationship for me, where I perceive both myself, and my mother, as disgusting.
Other Person's Response: Can a person still be a decent, loving, human being, even if he has violent tendencies?
My Reply: Yes. As long as he feels love, then he's loving someone or something. If he feels decent about himself, then he'd be a decent human being from his perspective. Anyone who feels he's a disgusting person would see him as disgusting.
Other Person's Response: I heard your mother also feels violent during moments of stress in her life. So, if you acted out on the negative emotions you felt during your miserable moments, that would cause your mother to be very upset and scream, since you'd be causing her additional stress.
My Reply: Yes. So, not only is it important that I don't act out on my emotions during my miserable moments, so that I don't harm myself or others, but also to prevent my mother from experiencing more stress than what she's already going through.
Other Person's Response: When your mother feels rage, does she act out on it?
My Reply: She does scream, since she doesn't tolerate much stress in her life. But, she doesn't harm me, herself, or anyone else.
Other Person's Response: If your mother could change her mindset, then she might no longer feel violent towards people who mistreat her. After all, you said how a person thinks is how the person feels. So, if your mother had thoughts that she just doesn't care about these people anymore, or their hurtful opinions, then she wouldn't feel any negative emotions when these people mistreat her. Thus, these people wouldn't bother her anymore.
My Reply: Yes. Negative emotions are the only way people, things, and situations can bother us. So, if she no longer feels those negative emotions about these people, then these people will no longer bother her. It's something she might not be able to help though.
Other Person's Response: I think your mother's situation is unlike yours because you only feel violent when others mistreat you during an emotional crisis. But, your mother would feel violent any time of the day when someone mistreats her.
My Reply: Yes.
Other Person's Response: Even if a person had no emotions, he could still act as though a pain-inducing situation bothers him, when it's giving him pain.
My Reply: But, again, negative emotions are how things bother us in such a way that situations become horrible, bad, or disgusting to us. Physical pain can't do that.
Other Person's Response: When you're not having any devastating worry or negative thought, you say nothing really bothers you, and that you're happy, and enjoying your life. So, when you engage in a discussion with people who try to provoke you in your calm, casual, state of mind, do they think you're being passive aggressive, when you show no sign of anger?
My Reply: Yes. But, I wouldn't be passive aggressive because there'd be no anger bottling up inside me. So, I'd be completely calm during the entire discussion. If I was having a discussion with these people during an emotional crisis, then, yes, it's very likely I'd lash out because the slightest things bother me when I'm miserable, or emotionally traumatized. But, when I'm doing just fine, everything's all good and well in my life. That's why hardly anything can bother me.
Other Person's Response: You said you felt like destroying yourself, along with the entire universe, during your miserable struggles. You don't have the power to actually do that though.
My Reply: I know. I just felt like doing it.
Other Person's Response: How would you metaphorically describe yourself when you feel violent?
My Reply: It's like I'm the most powerful, dangerous thing in this universe, such as a black hole, or supernova, who has no regard for his life, or the lives of others. I'd feel like destroying everything and everyone, not because I hate innocent people, or living things, and think they deserve to die. Rather, I'd just be like a black hole, or supernova, that would destroy everything, and everyone. When I feel violent, that feeling of rage wouldn't be at a lower threat status, such as someone who just feels very angry. It would be put at the highest threat status, such as a black hole or supernova (i.e. a dangerous, cosmic phenomenon). So, that's what I feel like when I'm feeling violent during my miserable struggles. But, like I said, I don't act out on that feeling.
Other Person's Response: Since you know violence isn't the answer, then why not try to tap into a higher part of yourself, and love your mother and yourself, even though you're in the midst of an emotional crisis right now?
My Reply: I can't love without my feeling of love. I tried to tap into a higher form of love. But, that love doesn't exist for me. So, I had no choice but to feel hate and rage during my miserable struggles, and not act out on it. Eventually, I started to feel love again as I drew close to a full recovery.
Other Person's Response: Your actions alone of not harming your mother is love in my eyes.
My Reply: It wasn't love. Love is that inner experience, which I didn't have during my miserable struggles. If there was a serial killer who had nothing but hate for someone, but never acted out on that hate, then that wouldn't classify as love. That serial killer could also display acts of love. But, that doesn't mean he's actually loving anybody.
Other Person's Response: Would you feel bad if you harmed your mother?
My Reply: Yes. That feeling would be much worse if it was during an emotional crisis, since I feel profoundly horrible negative emotions during these times.
Other Person's Response: There are people (skeptics) who say we're just biological machines with no free will. Therefore, if you acted out on your violent feelings, and harmed your mother, then it wouldn't have been your free choice to do so.
My Reply: Yes.
Other Person's Response: Have you ever involuntarily performed certain acts in your sleep, such as saying certain things, or making certain movements? Well, I think this says you're a biological machine with no free will, since you had no choice but to perform those acts, since they were involuntary acts.
My Reply: Yes, that did happen to me. But, I'm not sure if this says I'm a biological machine with no free will. After all, spiritual believers, who do believe we have free will, would present their own counter argument against your argument.
Other Person's Response: If you performed acts in your sleep, how would you know if you performed them?
My Reply: For example, someone else, who witnessed you performing those acts, could tell you that you've performed them.
Other Person's Response: If we have no free will, then all acts would be involuntary.
My Reply: Yes.
Other Person's Response: If we really were just programmed, biological machines with no free will, then we couldn't act against that programming. For example, we're programmed with the fear response, which means we're programmed to avoid dangerous situations. But, there are people who choose to face danger, despite feeling much fear. There are also some people who are programmed to do drugs, and eat a lot of food. Yet, they still say no to drugs, and obesity, which means they're acting against their natural programming.
My Reply: If we really are machines with no free will, then all of the things you described are already part of our machine's programming. So, when a person faces danger, despite feeling much fear, he was already programmed to do that. That means he had no choice in facing his fear. The same thing applies to those people who've chosen to not be fat, or do drugs.
Other Person's Response: Personally, I think we're reduced to biological machines with no free will, and that goodness, beauty, love, joy, and worth is reduced to positive emotions.
My Reply: Yes. But, again, I'm not so sure about the free will part.
Other Person's Response: If we really were reduced to machines with no free will, and positive emotions really were the only things that can make life beautiful, then I bet that would upset a lot of people, and make them feel plenty of negative emotions. Fortunately, for you, that wouldn't bother you, as long as you're not having an emotional crisis.
My Reply: Correct. But, during devastating worries and negative thoughts that transpired in my life, this idea did bother me, and made me feel that life's a pitiful joke.
Other Person's Response: If we are biological machines with no free will, then if people still mistreat you, or have a high standard, they had no choice in the matter.
My Reply: Yes. Still, I can, at least, explain to people why they shouldn't mistreat me, and why I think they should have a lower standard. Hopefully, that would change them. If not, then that's just the way it is.
Other Person's Response:
If we really are machines with no free will, then all of the things you described are already part of our machine's programming. So, when a person faces danger, despite feeling much fear, he was already programmed to do that. That means he had no choice in facing his fear. The same thing applies to those people who've chosen to not be fat, or do drugs.
Take it from someone who's lived an extremely violent, drug filled life of madness. You always have a choice. If people were programmed to go against their own programming, drug addicts would never get clean, or they'd get clean, and stay clean.
This is not the case for 99.9% of us. We tend to get doped out of minds, lose everything we own, and everyone we know, get clean for a little while, then go right back into dope head first, just to eventually try and get clean again, rinse & repeat, etc.
The few of us that get lucky, get clean, and not overdose, commit suicide, or go insane. We still have to struggle with addiction the rest of our lives, and it's not easy. So, to say I'm programmed to live this way is an insult to life itself. No creature lives for the purpose to torment itself endlessly.
My Reply: Well, there are many highly intelligent skeptics who think we're biological machines with no free will. I have no counter argument for the argument you've just given, since I'm not an intelligent person. But, if there were some highly intelligent skeptics here, I'm quite sure they'd come up with some good counter arguments. Personally, I hope we're not biological machines with no free will, and this being the only life. I'd want to be a special, spiritual being in this universe, who gets to live the blissful afterlife of his dreams.
Other Person's Response: In sleep, your brain still functions. Albeit, in a limited fashion. The higher level decision making areas, for example, are "out of it." Dreams and, consequently, unconscious actions, are simply your brain trying to rationalize, and compartmentalize, recent experiences. Yet, when you're awake, you're perfectly able to choose to turn right or left when you leave your house.
My Reply: Thanks for that bit of insight!
Other Person's Response: I understand your point of view though, and life would be so much more simple without the idea of free will. But, unfortunately, life is a .... tough ....
So, I personally can't stand the idea that a child molester, or rapist, is simply following his programming, and is free of the responsibility of ruining not only his victim's life, but for several generations down the victim's ancestry. This ripple effect alone of molestation and rape are too serious to just shrug it off as "but mah programming".
So, I'll exit in apologizing if I came off as too strong or aggressive. But, I assure you, I have no ill feelings towards you. But, I do have very strong feelings about the subject, since I was a victim of abuse myself.
My Reply: Thanks for your apology.
Other Person's Response: How often do you feel violent during your miserable struggles?
My Reply: A lot. But, I don't act out on it. I couldn't help but feel this way because how you feel isn't always under your control.
Other Person's Response: Even if you did have the power to destroy yourself, along with the entire universe, why not just destroy yourself if you acted out on your violent impulse? Why involve everyone else?
My Reply: It's because pure, violent, extreme rage wishes to destroy literally everything, with no regard for anyone's life. Thus, pure rage is overly dramatic and dangerous. But, you can stop yourself from acting out on it. That, or you could limit how much you act on the rage. So, if I fully acted out on my rage, then I would find myself destroying everything. Or, I could stop myself from harming myself, or anyone else, and get the help I need.
Other Person's Response: When you felt like vaporizing everything during your miserable struggles, did you act out that scene in your mind, even though you didn't act out on that emotion in reality?
My Reply: Yes.
Other Person's Response: If you had the power to destroy everything, but all people destroyed would suffer an eternity in hell, would you still feel like destroying everything during your emotional crisis?
My Reply: Actually, it would be very horrible to me if people suffered forever in hell. I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. So, I think I'd stop feeling the desire to destroy everything, and instead feel horrible about that situation. So, yes, I do feel violent during my miserable struggles. But, it's still possible for me to switch over from feeling one particular negative emotion to another.
Other Person's Response: You say you feel violent during an emotional crisis, but that you've never acted out on those violent feelings. One day, you could slip up, and harm yourself and/or others around you.
My Reply: Fortunately, I don't think I'm going to have an emotional crisis ever again. During an emotional crisis, that's when I feel violent. But, during normal times of stress, I don't feel violent.
Other Person's Response: During an emotional crisis, you say you feel violent towards people who mistreat you, or give you a stern attitude. Do you feel violent towards anyone who treats you this way?
My Reply: Actually, I think it depends on the person. So, someone could mistreat me, and give me a stern attitude during an emotional crisis, but I might instead feel fear, misery, or dread.
Other Person's Response: Just because you felt disgust towards other people during your miserable struggles doesn't mean you meant they were disgusting people.
My Reply: Actually, since feeling disgust about someone is how that person becomes disgusting to me, how could you say I didn't mean it? To say I didn't mean they were disgusting people implies that I wasn't having a real value judgment of disgust towards them. But, since these feelings of disgust I had were real value judgments, then I'd have to mean they were disgusting people.
Other Person's Response: When you're happy and enjoying your life, do certain songs still make you feel sad?
My Reply: Yes. But, during my struggles, they're much worse feelings of sadness. They're tragic, morbid feelings, as opposed to the normal, healthy feelings of sadness I'd normally feel.
Other Person's Response: Even if you were happy and enjoying your life, would you still feel horrible if your mother, or anyone else, were to suffer an eternity in hell?
My Reply: Yes. But, I don't know how horrible the emotional experience would be for me. I think it would be an entirely different negative emotion than what I've felt during my miserable struggles. I might feel intense dread and/or some other type of negative emotion.
Other Person's Response: How would you feel if you were going to suffer an eternity in hell?
My Reply: I'd panic. I'd also think I'd panic if my mother was the one going to suffer an eternity in hell.
Other Person's Response: Are you sure you didn't feel sad about the idea of harming your mother during your struggles?
My Reply: Actually, I did. So, rage wasn't the only negative emotion I felt during my struggles. I felt all other sorts of negative emotions as well. I felt tragic about many things, I felt pitiful about myself, I felt disgust, etc.
Other Person's Response: What other things make you feel negative emotions during your miserable struggles that normally wouldn't make you feel that way?
My Reply: When I watch nature shows, where animals hunt other animals, it becomes profoundly tragic and disturbing from my perspective. It doesn't seem normal, or natural, at all. But, when I'm fully recovered from my misery, and am happy, then I could watch these nature shows again, and it would all seem completely natural. There'd be nothing disturbing, or tragic, about it now. As you can see, I have a whole new perspective during my miserable struggles than the perspective I'd have during my normal, happy, healthy state.
Other Person's Response: When you're happy and enjoying your life, do horror movies, or nature shows, still make you feel negative emotions?
My Reply: Not at all. I'd actually be experiencing a beautiful atmosphere when watching these shows and movies. The same idea would apply to horror games.
Other Person's Response: I think it's pitiful that your positive emotions are the only things that make your life positive! You don't live your life by greater values than this, and I find that pitiful!
My Reply: It would only be pitiful if I knew there was more positivity to life than positive emotions, and I still gave up on things in my life, such as my hobbies. This is because I'd have no excuse for giving up, and, yet, I'd still be choosing to give up anyway.
But, it's a different situation when I'm doubtful, and skeptical, that there's more positivity to life. Would we say an atheist, not living by a religious doctrine, is something pitiful? No. That atheist doesn't believe in god, and, thus, other people should understand why he doesn't live his life by a religious doctrine.
Likewise, other people should understand why I don't live my life by greater values. The atheist doesn't believe in god, and neither do I believe there's more positivity to life than positive emotions. I consider the notion of greater values to be a false doctrine many people believe in.
Other Person's Response: Actually, if I felt it was pitiful that you're not living your life by greater values, then, from my perspective, it would be pitiful. But, from your perspective, it wouldn't be pitiful because you don't feel that way.
My Reply: Correct.
Other Person's Response: I know you don't feel pathetic about yourself now. But, did you feel that way about yourself during your miserable struggles?
My Reply: Yes. I felt I was puny and pathetic, since I live by the philosophy I live by. Now that I'm almost fully recovered from this worry I'm having, I no longer feel that way about myself anymore.
Other Person's Response: You say thoughts and emotions can't be the same thing. Are you sure you've never experienced an intellectual form of emotions? I think the brain is more complicated than what you're making it out to be, and I don't think emotions are only limited to the primitive, instinctive ones you've talked about.
My Reply: The only emotions I've ever had were the primitive, instinctive ones. Thoughts and beliefs, themselves, have never been any emotional experience for me.
Other Person's Response: I understand what you're saying, and it seems obvious to me that thinking about being sad, or even articulating a thought where a feeling is labeled like "I am sad," is distinct from the experience of the emotion itself. But, this process can often be a lot fuzzier than you're making, and I would still suggest reconsidering some of the distinctions you made in your packet. My feeling is you're just analyzing, and articulating, your own experience of thought and emotion, which is fine. But, often times, when we're working from our own mind, we don't always see our own biases, or limitations.
My Reply: Understood.
Other Person's Response: So, what you're trying to say is that you have no emotions intellectually, and the only ones you have are the primitive, instinctive ones?
My Reply: Correct. I have no values founded upon intellect either, since they're solely emotional based values.
Other Person's Response: You should really do some research on this subject because thoughts and emotions aren't split up as you say they are. It's not as simple as you're making it out to be.
My Reply: Even if I decided to do research, there's no way I could find such research anyway. For example, me typing in the phrase: "Separation between thoughts and emotions" into the Google search bar doesn't give me the results I need. Sometimes, when you search for things online, it just gives you a whole bunch of information, and it's not what you were looking for. I typed in that quoted phrase, and it's giving me results, such as this one:
If I needed to phrase it differently to get the results I want, then I'm very limited in my vocabulary, and, thus, I can only stick with simple phrases, such as the one I quoted. But, none of those simple phrases give me the results I need. Even if I did discover the research, I wouldn't be able to comprehend it because I can only comprehend things, such as a conversation with my family, or music theory lessons for complete beginners.
I can't comprehend professionally written material, such as certain things written on Wikipedia, certain articles, or certain research. But, even if I could comprehend the research, I explain in my Undecided Packet I can't decide on anything that has a debate.
There might be debate regarding this research because some people might argue that thoughts and emotions can't be the same thing. So, I'm just explaining things from my own personal experience because, for me, thoughts and emotions have never been the same thing. Thoughts, and valuing things, have never been the same thing for me either.
Other Person's Response: I don't need some holy inner light to perceive my life as something beautiful and great.
My Reply: The perception of beauty and greatness is what I call the holy, inner light. I think positive emotions are the only holy, inner light we can have. But, if there can somehow be an intellectual form of the holy, inner light, then our brains would have to receive the light intellectually. Remember, the perception of beauty and greatness is something that goes beyond thoughts/beliefs.
So, when I consider the possibility of an intellectual form of perceived beauty and greatness, I'm not implying that what we think can somehow give us that perception. Therefore, there would have to be a form of positive emotions through our intellect. Like I said, I think intellect can only give us the experience of ideas.
If that's the case, then no thoughts/beliefs alone can ever give me the types of horrible experiences I've had in my nightmares, and during my miserable moments. Nor can it ever give me the beautiful and joyful experiences my positive emotions have brought my life. However, if there can be a form of intellectual emotions, then, hopefully, they're not fleeting like the primitive, instinctive ones.
Other Person's Response: There are emotions that do reside in the prefrontal cortex (the intellectual area of the brain). However, said emotions can be disabled, due to clinical depression, or other factors, which would prevent thoughts and beliefs from making people feel emotions.
My Reply: I see. But, there's still a distinction between thoughts and emotions because, if thoughts and beliefs aren't making people feel positive emotions during clinical depression, then that says there's a difference between emotion, and thoughts or beliefs.
Other Person's Response: Since you keep your mind clear, and hardly know anything, that makes you a dumb, mindless individual.
My Reply: Yes.
Other Person's Response: Technically, you would be thinking something when playing video games, which means your mind wouldn't be empty. You'd be having joyful and beautiful thoughts, while adventuring through the levels.
My Reply: Yes, that's correct. I figure, if I had no thoughts at all, I wouldn't feel anything, since there'd be no thought to make me feel a particular emotion.
Other Person's Response: I wonder if it's possible for you to live your daily life, not having a positive or negative thought at all. I wonder if you wouldn't feel any positive or negative emotions as a result, since you wouldn't be thinking that anything, or anyone, is beautiful, good, bad, horrible, or disgusting.
My Reply: I also wonder.
Other Person's Response: I heard you're taking up a new hobby though, which would be composing. That requires some thought.
My Reply: Yes. When I decide to create good music later on, I will think about the rules of music theory that need to be taken into account.
Other Person's Response: When you fully complete a video game, do you just delete the file you completed, and start over?
My Reply: Actually, I'd first record my completed progress using the Dazzle device. Then, I upload that recording (video) to youtube. After that, I delete the file, start over, complete the game again, and record my completed progress again. This is because, for example, if I collected all 120 stars in a Mario game, then all that progress would go to waste if I just deleted it.
By recording all my progress, I feel that it hasn't gone to waste. So, if I complete a Mario game 3 times, then it's like I've collected 360 stars (120x3=360) if I recorded and uploaded, as opposed to just collecting 120 stars, deleting that file, starting over, and collecting 120 stars again without recording.
Therefore, by having recordings of my completed progress, all my progress has been preserved, and anyone could add up all the stars I've collected in Mario games, or all the items I've collected in Zelda games. Lastly, I'm not planning on making professional quality recordings (such as full game walkthroughs). I'm just recording my completed progress, which is why I'm sticking with the Dazzle device to record. I'm not using an expensive, high quality, recording device.
Other Person's Response: Do you record your gameplay to show off?
My Reply: No. I'm not bragging how skilled I am at playing video games, or anything like that. As a matter of fact, I don't care how skilled I am. I just play video games for the fun, adventure, and to collect as many items as I can. I record all my progress because I feel that all the items I've collected are being preserved in the form of recorded videos.
Other Person's Response: I heard there's a new gaming system by Nintendo, and it's called the Nintendo Switch. Are you going to buy that, and get some games for it?
My Reply: Yes. I'm also going to get a new hdtv. But, my mother doesn't have the money for these things right now. However, she said she's going to get a home equity loan, and that will allow her to afford these things. When she gets the loan, I'm going to buy the following games: Super Mario Odyssey, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, New Super Mario Bros. U, Yoshi's Crafted World, and Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy.
Other Person's Response: But, you said that worry is still there, preventing from from feeling joy. So, even if you do buy those things, you wouldn't be able to enjoy them. That means they'd have no value and worth to you.
My Reply: That's correct. So, when my mother gets this loan, I'm not going to buy them yet, as long as I don't have my positive emotions. Once I'm fully recovered, then I'll buy them, since I can enjoy them. Or, I could buy them when she gets the loan, but set them aside for a later time, until I can enjoy them. As of now, I'm no longer miserable, and I'm doing fine. But, that subconscious worry is still there, rendering me apathetic.
Other Person's Response: Do you notice something else when you draw closer and closer to a state of full recovery?
My Reply: Yes. My visual quality becomes more clear, vivid, and better. I think this is because, as my brain gives less and less attention to the worry, as it slowly and gradually lets go of it, my brain gives more and more attention to visuals. Maybe that's why my visual quality becomes enhanced. Therefore, when I'm fully recovered, I think my visual quality will be restored back to normal. Even though my visual quality wasn't as good during my moment of misery, I could still see things, and didn't need glasses. So, I think my visual quality was slightly degraded during my misery.
Other Person's Response: You're apathetic right now, and you're saying you're doing fine. I thought the only way to be fine is to feel fine.
My Reply: Yes. Feeling fine (a positive emotion) means you're fine, not feeling fine (a negative emotion) means you're not fine, and being apathetic means you're neither fine nor not fine. So, actually, I'm just an empty vessel, who's neither fine nor not fine.
Other Person's Response: You said you might give up on composing, and return to the hobby you've always lived for (playing video games). That means you'd be the same person, living by the same values, doing the same hobby his whole life.
My Reply: Yes. Playing video games is the hobby I've always lived for, and my positive emotions have always been the source of beauty, worth, and goodness in my life. As for my composing, I'm not going to give up on it just yet. Also, when creating music, I need to feel inspired in order to be inspired. If I create music when I'm not feeling up to it, then I'm not inspired.
Other Person's Response: When you do have your positive emotions, how often do you feel inspired to make music?
My Reply: I'm not sure yet. Composing is a new hobby I've taken up, and I need to fully recover from this worry to find out.
Other Person's Response: If you fully recover from this worry, have your joy all back to you again, but you don't feel inspired often to compose, then that must be because of your way of thinking. You must be thinking composing isn't all that important to you, even though you have some level of interest in it.
My Reply: Correct. So, once I do fully recover, I'll see how often I'm inspired to compose.
Other Person's Response: How often do you feel up to playing video games when you have your positive emotions?
My Reply: Mostly all throughout the day. There are times I want to take breaks. These would be the moments where I feel I need to take a break. That feeling of wanting to take a break would be a positive emotion, since I feel like sitting back and relaxing.
Other Person's Response: How are you defining inspiration?
My Reply: I define it as the emotions (i.e. the motivation to come up with an idea or work of art). So, you could create an idea or work of art. But, as long as you were apathetic in doing so, then you weren't inspired. Negative emotions can be a form of inspiration, like I said earlier. But, they don't make our lives and artistic endeavors beautiful, good, and amazing.
Other Person's Response: Personally, I don't think you'll be the same person your whole life, doing the same video gaming hobby. People do change with time.
My Reply: Haven't you ever known someone who was the same person, doing the same hobby his whole life? I'm quite sure there are such people out there.
Other Person's Response: I know plenty of people who've never changed. There are bastards, cons, thieves, liars, etc. So, maybe, you'll never outgrow your philosophy.
My Reply: It's quite possible my values will never change. So, you could be right.
Other Person's Response: If your values never change, even when you're an old man, then it would be like you're the spirit of a child, living inside an old man's body.
My Reply: Well, if there truly is no more beauty to obtain through growing and developing as an individual, and positive emotions really are the only source of beauty, then how could you even call me a child who lacks maturity, due to the values I live by? By calling me a child, due to my values, that's already implying there's greater, mature value to life than the childish values I live by. But, if there is no more value to life, then it would be nonsense to call me a child.