According to my friend Ari, the war is going incredibly well and our troops are being welcomed with open arms by the grateful Iraqi people.
It is taking a little longer than expected because our brave forces are going on sight-seeing tours around the Iraqi landscapes, distributing gifts to the poor, before moving on to meet the cheering populace of Baghdad.
The sounds of gun-fire are no more than Iraqi forces celebrating our arrival by firing their weapons into the air in gratitude for their rescue from the evils of Saddam Hussein.
Nice to know everything is going so well.