In need of sexual catharsis - obsessed for the last month

My emotions have been a wreck for the last month because I watched a cam girl who is so beautiful and also such a nymph that I feel jealous of her lover(s), desperate to find someone like her, angry at myself for not finding someone like her when I was young, resentful that all the sexual outlets available on the Internet were not around when I was young (hell, the Internet was just for academics and military when I was young).

This girl happens to fit my idealized picture of a sexy girl - total innocence in her face, beautiful (Asian) eyes, killer smile, gentle soft dark hair, tight body. And, as if to be a cherry on top of the whipped cream, she is only 4' 9".

She embodies the physical aspect of my idealized girl.

Then the torture begins. I start reading her profile - she claims to perform just about any live sex show you can dream up. Just contact her via the address given, describe what you want to watch, agree on a price and date, and voila - she'll act out your wildest fantasies on your screen for you to watch and enjoy.

Her profile goes on to describe what she enjoys doing. It was a long list. All I recall is her summation: "I like to have all my holes satisfied" (and indeed, she'll suck a cock as good as any professional ever did, she of course will take it in the pussy, and OMG she takes it up her tiny ass - completely enjoying it I might add - and lets her man explode deep in her ass)

This was all too much for me to handle. I've watched various types of porn for many, many years. I never felt anything remotely emotional about the girls in porn. They made a choice (well, in theory that's how it is supposed to be) to try to earn some good money in the business. They aren't trying to make me feel anything emotional. Although I have enjoyed and appreciated how damn pretty some of them can be, and I've been amazed that such pretty girls can do such nasty things to pleasure the on-screen actor, I have never felt a co-mingling of emotions and lust while watching porn. In my opinion, porn is the equivalent of a vibrator for men. Women usually don't fall in love with their vibrators. Likewise, men do not fall in love with the actresses in the porn they watch.

But this one cam girl hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no idea I was going to have such a visceral reaction to her videos.

I cannot get this girl out of my head. I want so much to go back to where my head was before I ever laid eyes upon her. But unfortunately, as the saying goes, you can't unsee something you've already seen.

In addition to the feelings of jealousy, regret, envy, and resentment. There were two additional feelings I discovered. First, I found myself mad that this girl earns by my estimate, well over $100k a year doing this (based on the number of official fans she has and my very conservative estimate of how much each might spend on her per year). And she travels the world doing it as well. Of course, if I happened to be her travel companion and on-screen partner, there'd be no anger ;-)

Second, I found myself experiencing the same anger, rage, depression, etc. one feels in the immediate aftermath of a relationship break up when the girl dumps you in favor of some other guy. Every weekend night you just know the girl you love is screwing some other guy who she thinks is better than you.

Yes, I know this is all nonsense for me to feel. And I know I will get beyond this angst soon. I keep trying to tell myself she is nothing. She is not worthy of my emotions.

But while that may be true - and at one level I certainly agree it is true - it doesn't get rid of my emotions about her. Emotions rarely agree to listen to logic.

What I do know will help me get beyond this funk is simply sharing my feelings with someone. Unfortunately, there is not one person in my life I feel comfortable opening up to about this topic.

Hence ... here I am. Telling my story of emotional suffering for the last month. Somehow hoping that by merely sharing my story with this community I might benefit from a certain kind of catharsis.