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What is my sexuality? Total clueless!!!

 
 
bmdoan
 
Reply Sun 1 Dec, 2019 02:39 am
Hi everyone,

English is not my first language, so I will try my best to convey my question to the best of my ability and sorry for any bad grammar. One thing I should say that I am somewhat contradict myself in a lot of ways, so my apologies if things are contradict one another.

I am 27(M). I've been trying to figure out my sexuality ever since I started to notice these feelings that I sometimes feel for male and female. I have never dated anyone if ever.

So a trip to the past. For me I do not particularly remember about my childhood much as I was not an active child nor had a lot of friends in that regards, I just sort of am and operate as I see fit day to day (which still happens to this day) so I never actively notice my feelings for whether I like girls or boys. Which brings to the point that I could consider myself as straight but I never put much thoughts into it until HS.

Once high schools starts and then proceed to University, this is the time period that I started to notice these feelings that I am experiencing. I think during my time in high school the amount of people that I like was possibly around 3-4 people, 1 of them was a guy the rest was female. Other than that I wasn't particularly out and open to hangout with other people outside of school. Similarly during my University timeline, I have crushes here and there, I did like one guy and this sort of emotion "like" that I feel it proceeded me to start fantasizing about him, hugging/dating him etc, one thing I should mention is that this is the second time I actually felt this strongly about anyone. There weren't any girls that I actually like in my University life as I was mostly focus on my study and didn't join any clubs or activities which I actually regret not participating. I went through my school years relatively free of any bullies. I am somewhat very selective in whom I want to be friends with, and likewise with who I am interesting in dating. I won't deny that I can tell whether a guy is attractive or not, and similar whether the girls is attractive or not.

As I sat down and start to analyse about these crushes/feelings that I have experienced in the past, one thing that I found consistent is that I like their physical attributes first so you could say the physical attraction, which initiates the process of these fantasies. But as I go on and know the person if the personality of the person isn't interesting enough capture me I start to lose interest in those people. The thing is that I found myself not gross out at the idea of embracing the person or having sex if I feel strongly enough about the person.

I generally don't like conflict as much and prefer harmony in any situation such as workplace or household. Household plays a part for why I want harmony in my life more than anything as I grew up in a family that we don't really share any feelings with each other, me and my sister we rarely talk unless necessary which actually made us clash often, and likewise with my parents though me and my parents we don't clash that often. All of my grandparents passed away before I turned 18 so I didn't have time to connect with them as much as I'd like to because two of them lived across the globe, and the grandparents in Canada I didn't have chance to meet much if at all so I couldn't build any relationship with them. I've never shared any of these feelings with my parents, though they questioned whether I have girlfriends or not, more so my mom than my dad. She tried to set me up but I generally felt indifference just as I don't care about it unless it's someone I personally chosen and get to know.

In the grand scheme of things such as who do I want to spend the rest of my life with. For this, I usually don't care about who as long as I feel I can be myself around them, and there is something mutual that connects us as I rarely able to share my deepest feelings to anyone no matter how close they are to me. I guess this is an iteration, I have never been in a relationship nor go on a date for the past 27 years of my life as I don't feel the particular needs or any serious spark that I feel I can pursue. Though I'm not sure if this is valid or not, I did Kinsey quiz in the past and I scored a relative middle score (ie. 3).

I guess the bottom line is that I don't mind what my sexuality is. But at times I feel no sexual desire toward anyone as I looked up attractive people in magazines whether hot guy or girls, I feel nothing. This is sort of like yea I can see that they are attractive, but I don't get why people are going mad over them like wanting to sleep with them, for me I feel repulsive by being intimate with a person that I don't trust or not in love with though I like hugs. After pondering about this issue for years, I feel that I am starting to lose myself as I cannot properly discover myself because I keep having these thoughts one time yea I like girls, and then the next time I don't like them as much, and likewise for guys.

Again, sorry for the long post, and if it doesn't feel as cohesive then I apologise . What do you guys think about my situation, was it the not dating nor in relationship for 27 years have me questioned my sexuality? Or was it that I have these contradicting thoughts that messing up my mind? I know that I am not straight that's for sure, but am I bisexual? Thank you for reading, any thoughts/advice would be welcomed.
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hightor
 
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Reply Sun 1 Dec, 2019 07:07 am
@bmdoan,
For some people it's just not a central component of their self-image. It's possible to be moderately turned on by someone, physically, but have no real interest in pursuing it and likely experiencing disappointment. You might find this article interesting.
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