Food Sneak

Okay, I'll bite.

Bears son from a previous marriage did this when he was about 6 - 8. He has developmental problems, so mentally he was younger. He also had disconnect issues with other parent.

I treated it as a need for affection/ food for the heart. Food can have a soothing affect, and Mo may be sneaking food as a way to self comfort.

He certainly can't express or even understand what is happening, but if he were able to he might explain to you that he knows food is available and that he won't get in trouble for eating since you are the one putting it out for him. He might also tell you that he knows that he can ask for a snack and you will provide one, and probably one he would like.

Then he might, if he could, tell you that sneaking the food is different. It isn't the food, it's what it stands for. It isn't the food, it's the "hunt."

In other words, if he "pretends" the food is forbidden, and he can get away with sneaking it, he can in affect provide for himself (hunt down) the affection / love that he feels is forbidden or that is not available to him. The food is simply a substitute.

Deep stuff, I know.

I tried reasoning with step-son, explaining that he couldn't keep food in his room cause bugs would find it. Tried to make a room full of bugs sound disgusting, but he liked bugs! I tried offering him food throughout the day.

Finally, I tried catching him in the act, distracting him and sitting down to read or watch Power Rangers with him, or play checkers. Somewhere in all of it I would work in a few comments about how we all have to be able to trust each other and how "sneaking" hurts that trust and how would he feel if I snuck into his room and took things. Over time he stopped. I don't know that it was due to anything we did at our house. He may have just mentally worked through it.

Thanks for taking the bait, Squinney.

That is deep stuff and I'll have to really think on it.

The "providing for himself" makes a lot of sense - that is exactly what it seems like. It is exactly the same food I would give him for a snack but it obviously doesn't feel the same to him. The way he is so secretive about it and so upset about being found out is really quite alarming.

I don't want him to think food is forbidden so I don't really want to limit his access to food.

And I don't want him to think food is "bad".

This has just cropped up in the last couple of weeks and it is really getting confusing.

I'll try those diversion tactics and hope that he works through it.

Thank you!

I think Squinney is absolutely right about Mo's reasoning. I've read that food sneaking and food hoarding are very common in foster children for exactly the reasons that she outlines.

One of my stepsons hoarded clean underwear for similar symbolic reasons.

Time will probably accomplish wonders. You will probably survive--albeit with some more gray hair.

Meanwhile could you differentiate between Mo-the-Beloved-Boy and Squirrel Boy? Not that Squirrel Boy is bad, Squirrel Boy is just a bit off base. Squirrel Boy is squirrely. Squirrel Boy is hiding food? Maybe we better wear winter coats tomorrow because snow may be coming.

Ask him whether he's Mo or Squirrel Boy, then offer to share a treat and ask him whether he's going to eat the treat or squirrel it away.

Giving him words for his actions may help.

"Squirrel" is a very useful no-guilt word for snatching and caching.

Squirrels are also excellent climbers and jumpers and very, very easy to love.

Humm.

I just found three cans of tuna hidden in the back yard, "to keep the wind down" according to Mo.

I guess I'm having a problem figuring out why this is all of the sudden happening. Why now? Did something set it off? Has something changed? What?

I love Squirrel Boy! I will start using that immediately in our food conversations.

Boomer--

Maybe the Mormans converted him with their silver? He's stashing food here and there in case of national disaster--not to worry, you'll have something to eat.