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Coparenting long distance with abuser

 
 
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 01:43 am
Hello! This is my first time posting here, but I’m at a loss as to what I should do about my coparenting situation. I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship with my daughters father up until she was 7 months and I finally moved 9 hours away back to my home state. Now, it’s becoming a problem with him wanting her to go and stay with him for long periods of time, and I’m just not comfortable with it because I don’t trust him and I don’t want to be that far away from my daughter. I’ve offered to bring her to see him, but he doesn’t want me to and I’ve also told him he can come visit her, which he has twice. But to him, it’s still not enough. The only way he wants to see her is if he flies here to get her, and then flies her back with him alone. I just don’t think it’s a good idea because she’s only 15 months, but it’s an everyday argument now. Am I wrong for not wanting her to go??? Any advice on this situation?
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 05:31 am
@Sbold1234,
What does the court agreement (or mediation) say? If you have neither, then get one.

Why? Because even if it feels expensive, overly formal, or not nice or something to trigger the guy's abuse, this will protect you in case he reneges on any child support obligations and/or violates any custody or coparenting arrangement.

It also makes the court or mediator the bad guy. "Sorry, honey, you can't see your father alone, it's the court order." Your daughter is too young to insist, but she won't be forever.

Get a court order and protect your child and yourself.
maxdancona
 
  0  
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 09:17 am
@Sbold1234,
I see things from the father's point of view. I wouldn't want my ex-wife controlling when I could see my daughter. We have no way to judge what "abusive and controlling relationship" means.

If there is evidence of abuse that can be proven legally, then you should get a lawyer and a restraining order. Of course, once you do this it becomes much more difficult for you to cooperate with the father of your daughter. Imagine how you would feel if your ex-husband dragged you into court.

The best advice is to learn to work together with the father of your child. This means that you need to give up control.

Sbold1234
 
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Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 09:26 am
@jespah,
Thank you for your reply, we never had any court orders or anything, but I definitely will consider it. I just feel like I’m taking a risk with her safety by leaving her with him but I understand what you’re saying
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Sbold1234
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 09:28 am
@maxdancona,
Thank you! I do have pictures from when he used to physically abuse me but I never went to court because I never wanted the problems that would come with it. But I’ll try harder to work with him
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 09:45 am
@Sbold1234,
What?

If he physically abused you, and you have evidence, why wouldn't you go to court? That doesn't make any sense. If my ex-wife were abusive, I would want a restraining order... not just to protect me, but also to protect my child.

If he is physically abusive, you should go talk to a lawyer right away. You have a responsibility to protect your daughter. That is what the court system is for.

In most cases co-parenting equally is the best result for everyone involved (most importantly the child). When one of the parents is abusive, that is no longer true.

Talk to a lawyer or an organization for victims of abuse.
izzythepush
 
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Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 10:41 am
@Sbold1234,
Max has got a problem with women, he thinks being a white middle aged bloke somehow makes him a victim.

Don't waste any more time trying to convince him, take Jespah's advice and get a lawyer.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 11:16 am
@izzythepush,
I am very thankful that my ex-wife is alive and well and a big part of the life of my kids. Co-parenting takes work. It takes treating each other with respect in spite of hurt feelings. It takes compromise. It takes communication and it takes putting the interests of the kids ahead of the hurts of divorce.

The advantages are that my children get to have caring relationships with two parents. My ex-wife and I are very different people with different ideas and different ways of looking things. But both of us are committed to being best parents we can. And that means working together.

I am a big advocate of co-parenting. I will not apologize for that.

izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Fri 17 May, 2019 11:32 am
@maxdancona,
You're not much of one for taking people at their word. Straight away you took the side of someone you've never spoken to just because they're a man.

You weren't to know this but today happens to be my late wife's birthday, but you still couldn't help but point out that your ex wife is still alive.

That's low, even for you, but I'm not surprised.

I don't know anything about co parenting, just like you don't know anything about being a single parent, so I'll just have to take you at your word.
0 Replies
 
Sbold1234
 
  1  
Reply Sat 18 May, 2019 02:01 am
@maxdancona,
The only reason I never took him to court is because I was afraid CPS would get involved and I was in the process of moving away. And I read that the court doesn’t care about domestic abuse when dealing with custody issues, as long as there was no abuse to the child.
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 18 May, 2019 02:44 am
@Sbold1234,
You don't have to justify your actions to anyone.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 19 May, 2019 06:53 am
A father has rights to see his children. He wants visitation, you have doubts.
You could have requested monitored visitation or a third party visitation situation with a relative of his or yours that you trust. But that takes family and court involvement. So you must get legal guidance.

A 15 month old needs constant attention. Is he able to do that? How is he with her when he did visit her? Is he drug and alcohol free? Does he even have a car seat for her?

Try to encourage his visits at your home more. Do you have family that can help out here? You will need to leave the premises when he has visitation. Someone needs to be there to help out, but not you.

No way would I allow him to take this 15 month old child to his house unless the court can verify his ability.
maxdancona
 
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Reply Sun 19 May, 2019 07:50 am
@PUNKEY,
Once you get the courts involved... both parents are under investigation. Yes, the courts will check to make sure that the father is a capable father. The mother will also be investigated to make sure that she is a capable mother. Is the mother "drug and alcohol free"?

I wonder what Punkey would do if the courts decide that her children are better raised by their father? Would she be happy with supervised visitation? I would expect that she would want to have her child in her home with her for extended periods of time.

In a court each side gets to make its case. Once you get the court involved you run the risk of losing. You no longer have control... the judge will decide what is best for the child involved. Yes, sometimes mothers are not the best parents. There are times when court involvement is appropriate, but there are costs. Court fights are not good, especially for the children involved.

Good parents work together. Each parent puts aside the need to be in complete control to compromise for the good of their children.

0 Replies
 
 

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