Does it get easier as children of divorce get older?

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Hello fellow A2Kers! I've been on vacation for a while. My husband the kids and I went up to Mammoth Mountain for some final winter skiing.
We all had a blast and the weather was great... All was well until we returned home.

Some of you may have seen some of my other posts... But here is a quickie version of my situation.
I have two boys from my first marriage (at 19 yrs old) Andy 12, Mo 10. Their dad and I divorced back in '96 and I remarried last Feb 04. My husband has turned out to be an angel in disguise. He loves the boys and me very much and treats us great!

He also has two daughters from his first marriage (Al 19 and Han 10). Since this is about my problems with my ex I will only use my husbands' situation to point out my frustrations with or about my ex... Just venting and wondering why some people have all the luck.

My scenario:
My boys visit their dad 1 night during the week (every week) and then every other weekend they stay with him from Fri to Monday. (He drops them off at school. He was ordered to pay $65 per month for two children back in 2001, and he never paid. I finally let the DA collect, he owes me over 11K in back support. Meanwhile, I'm the one paying for EVERYTHING.... Medical, dental, vision, prescriptions, braces, school lunches, sports... well you get it. I have been financially responsible for my children since the day I left their dad. Dad on the other hand, gets to see them as ordered by the court order...the same order that states he is %50 financially responsible for all of the children's expenses. Which he does not pay.

So back to why all this came up... When we got back from vacation the boys had scheduled practices for water polo and baseball. Their dad decided that he wouldn't take them because I wasn't willing to go pick them up, take them to practice and drop them back off at his house. I had notified him over 1 1/2 prior that he would have to make arrangements to have the boys at their practice. Before I forget, the one night a week that he picks them up, they have practice... guess who takes them.. We do, he just comes over after the practice is over. We always bend over backwards to make sure the boys don't get caught in the middle, but I think enough is enough.

He told the boys to tell me that it wasn't the end of the world if they missed practice. Little did Mo know, because he missed practice he was benched at last night's game, and where was his dad when Mo was crying Crying or Very sad

? That's right, no where! Mad

My husband's scenario:
He gets Han every other weekend from Friday to Monday morning. (After fighting with his ex for a year she agreed to it.) Prior to that he only hot her Sat and Sun. He is a good man, he pays his ex alimony, and child support every 2 weeks. She doesn't work but also will not allow him to see Han additional days but she wants more money so she can pay for Han's braces. Meanwhile I'm the one paying for all of our kids insurance...

Why is it that the law doesn't seem fair sometimes? Why can my ex demand to get his "time" with our boys and the DA can't even collect child support from him? Why can some people not be satisfied with having an ex that is financially responsible for them and the kids? Why can't they be more flexible when that responsible person asks for extra days...? Rolling Eyes

With over %50 of all marriages ending in divorce, how do we keep the peace for the kid's sake?

I could be mean and not put the boys in any sports but then they would loose, not the adults. Does it get easier as the children of divorced parents grow older? I sure hope so, because sometimes I can't see the light at the end of the tunel and I just want to give up! Embarrassed

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Chispita--

Hang in there. Keep loving your kids and keep raising them to see clearly. Right now they love their natural parents blindly, but as the years go by both sets of children will realize who the "good" parents are.

The mills of the gods grind slow, but they grind exceeding fine.

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Thank you for the words of encouragement Noddy... You really do always know just what to say! :-)

I just thought that after 7 yrs of fighting it would get easier... The boys just keep getting older and the problems keep growing right along with them.

Thank you again!

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Chespita--

Thanks for the kind words. I'm proof that having survived the bad marriage you can survive the bad divorce and raise good kids in spite of the Other Parent.

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You are truly welcome!

That brought tears to my eyes.. Both of sorrow and joy!

Sorrow for my boys, for you and all children who have to experience divorce..
I have been blessed; no my parents are the blessed ones, after almost 40 years of marriage they are still together.

Joy because you and my husband are proof that despite everything I'm going thru, it will pay off!!

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chispita73 wrote:

You are truly welcome!

despite everything I'm going thru, it will pay off!!

I have to keep telling myself this over and over again...
I'm still a little emotional over all this.. We have this phone system (vonage) and I can see the calls in and out to our home phone over the internet. Apparently my boys called their dad at work and told him to go pick them up. I had left them a note on the fridge telling them that if they were going to continue to miss practices then I wasn't going to sing them up for any more sports. I said that it was a waste of money if everytime they go to dad's house they don't show up. I was very upset because my husband and I are the ones paying for their activities.. and their biological father doesn't care. He's not loosing anything he's not spending a dime.

Anyhow, I asked Andy why he called and he said he asked his dad to go pick them up... He wanted to go with his dad and because he knew that I was very upset that they keep missing practice but that he really loves water polo and didn't want to give it up.

I was really upset because when I called home on Monday he didn't pickup my call...he was on the phone with his dad. When I called back I asked if they were on the phone because I had been trying to call them... he said no, I asked again.. he insisted that they had not been on the phone at all.. Rolling Eyes

ofcourse I knew that wasn't true and I also could see the calls online.

So I asked him if he was going to tell me he was leaving... he said NO. I told him 1. I was upset because he lied to me about the phone call.
2. I was very hurt because he wanted to leave because he knew I was upset.
I asked what he was going to do if his dad had come to pick them up. "were you going to tell me or just leave before I got home and leave me all worried about you?" No answer. Figures he's a kid, he didn't think that far.

Now I'm more scared then ever! I can't stop crying... doesn't he see or realize that if he's dad couldn't ever pick them up yesterday that he called for "help" then what makes them think they'll be his top priority?
I don't tell my boys all the things their dad does and says to me. I don't want them to hear the bad stuff about him from me, I want them to see it and realize it on their own. My husband was upset that Andy would think about "running away" after I've been the one supporting them all this time.

I'm scared now that Andy can "legally" choose if he does or doesn't want to be with one of us that he'll try to play that "card" more. What if he doesn't like what or the way I respond to him, or if he doesn't like the punishment I hand him for doing something wrong.
I still have a head ache from all the crying I did last night. I've tried so hard and it feels like eventhough I'm doing what I think is right, I'm pushing them away. Confused

I'm just frustrated.. and needed to get this off my chest..

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Growing pains. Even when relationships are rotting, the change brings pain.

Keep in mind at some point your boys may choose to live with their father as a way of coming to grips with the sort of person he is and the sort of people they want to be.

Both my sons at 15 chose to switch custody--and part of the lure was that their father would pay for private school and other goodies only if they were living with him.

Right now, you have to step aside and let your kids deal with their father.

Talk with their coaches. Get hard, solid facts about what missed practices will mean in terms of playing time. See whether the coaches would be willing to talk to your boys about what missed practices mean.

You are absolutely right that kids lack experience and kids do not think ahead. Because they do not think ahead, they get hurt--and they learn.

Don't get yourself in a position where you are saying "Choose between your father and water polo." (As in "I won't pay for water polo if you miss practice") Let them discover that they have to chose between making practice and seeing their father.

Remember, if they are old enough to chose to leave your custody and go to him, they are old enough to negotiate for transportation to practice OR delaying their weekend visits so that you can do the transportation with minimum inconvenience.

You wrote:

Quote:

He told the boys to tell me that it wasn't the end of the world if they missed practice. Little did Mo know, because he missed practice he was benched at last night's game, and where was his dad when Mo was crying ? That's right, no where!

What did Mo learn? He learned that missing practice means losing playing time. He learned that the coach is in charge of the game. He learned that what his Dad announced had no relationship to reality.

These are painful lessons but very useful lessons.

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Does it get easier as children of divorce get older?

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