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Does This Paragraph Flow?

 
 
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 08:21 am
I am writing a description for a video game that I am working on and I can't tell if this is grammatically correct. It seems like something is off but I just don't know what it is. Can anyone help?

Choose from a diverse cast of feisty little characters to battle through the harsh trenches of flavorful pastry warzones. Each blub boasts their own special combination of 5 different characteristics that bring a one of a kind experience to every battle. These fundamental skills include: speed, strength, health, agility and elusiveness. Here's a sneak peak of the starting blub gang lineup: Here’s a sneak peak of the starting lineup of the blub gang: (then listed them below)
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 455 • Replies: 8
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chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 08:26 am
@nicole1016,
The only thing I see is that you repeated the bit about the lineup at the end.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 10:22 am
@nicole1016,
Agree with chai plus if you're listing all of the characteristics then don't use the word include, use the word are. Include implies you're not naming everything.

Oh, and I wouldn't call it elusiveness. A better term is stealth.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 11:15 am
Each blub boasts its own ...

of five ..

one-of-a-kind

sneak peek (or preview)
0 Replies
 
nicole1016
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 11:30 am
@chai2,
Oops, yes I forgot to fix that Smile
0 Replies
 
nicole1016
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 11:32 am
@jespah,
Yes that does sound better, thanks! Does it look weird that I have two consecutive sentences with colons? I think that is the part that is bothering me lol
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 11:36 am
@nicole1016,
Not really, you put a colon before a list and it looks like you have two lists, therefore two colons.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 11:36 am
@nicole1016,
You don’t need both of those last sentences. (I thought you were giving us a choice)
0 Replies
 
laughoutlood
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 15 Jan, 2019 08:42 pm
@nicole1016,


Choose from a diverse cast of feisty little characters to DO battle IN the harsh trenches of flavorful pastry war zones, ONCE MORE UNTO THE BRIOCHE. Each BLUB boasts AN EXTRAORDINARY combination of FIVE characteristics that bring a UNIQUE experience to every battle. These fundamental skills ARE : speed, strength, ENERGY, agility and elusiveness. Here's a sneak PEEK AT the starting BLUB gang LINE - UP (NO COLON).

PIERRE BOULANGERIE
HASTY TASTY
TUTTI FRUTTI
BRIOCHE BUNS
SUGAR ONTOP
MA ZIPPAN
PATTY SEERY
BOMBE NEBRASKA
COCO NUTS
GENOISE BATTER
I SING


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