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Wed 6 Apr, 2005 11:50 am
Hello, I am new here, but could use opinions, good or bad. I'm dealing with a 79 yo mom who has a cruel streak, and has had all of her life. My dad and I very close, he passed 3 yrs ago, promised him I would take care of her. Moved her from Nevada in Feb. 3days later she had heart attack, hospital for 3 weeks, nursing home for 2 months (rehab program) Diabetic for 57 years. Mom refuses to listen to the Docs. Her heart is taking a pounding due to sugar intake at wrong times according to doc. When I found cookies in her drawer that one of the residents gave her and gave them to a nurse, she got the center driver to take her to the bank, recinded my POA and opened another account, telling me she could never trust me again and that I humilliated her. I've since sat with her and the Dr. talked about how bad the sweets are for her, she agreed to do as he said. His recommendation is that she not be alone, and she refused assisted living, and in home health care. so I went and got her yesterday on release and I feel stuck. The nurses at the center yesterday told me they could not beleive I was taking her, but I don't know what else to do. Do I just wait to dind her on the floor when I get home from work, or do I take control and just get medicaid started and assisted living? She is extremely manipulative, has always been. My dad always gave her her way , and she is so resentful if I can't (i.e. taking off work to take her shopping no kidding....)
Anyway I am ready to give up, any and all comments are welcomed!
Yikes, lifesundone.
I don't have any experience with this kind of thing - the difficult mom, the medicade, that kind of stuff - but I thought that I can at least bump up into the active category and see if someone who does know will pick it up.
But I do think this --
When you made your dad that promise he never expected your life to be undone.
You have done your best with a difficult situation.
I think I would suggest getting a third party involved via family counseling. Just hearing things from someone who has no emotional stake in the matter might help clarify things for both you and your mom.
You should also see your doctor because, girlfriend, you sound ready to snap.
When my dad was dying everyone kept telling my mom "if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else".
She felt very guilty about taking time for herself but later she realized that it was true.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
lifesundone--
Welcome to A2K.
Remember, you are a daughter--not a parent, not a keeper, not a superwoman.
You promised your father you would take care of your mother. Your father would not expect you to do the impossible. Your father understood that you were human.
Quote:I don't know what else to do. Do I just wait to dind her on the floor when I get home from work, or do I take control and just get medicaid started and assisted living? She is extremely manipulative, has always been. My dad always gave her her way , and she is so resentful if I can't (i.e. taking off work to take her shopping no kidding....)
Can you say, "Mom, if you are not happy living here with me, we'll have to find somewhere else for you to live"?
Let her make her choices--but don't let her dictate yours.
You need to decide who will pay the price of your mothers stubornness and manipulation.She doesnt seem to care what your going through.I read this to my 89 yo grandma and she doesnt know what to say
Can you talk a little more with the doctor that saw your mother? He might have some useful comment.
It's a problem not to have that durable power of attorney, and she ( and you) should also have other legal paperwork. That she would tear up the power of attorney over the cookies is possibly a sign of mental deterioration - or not, as you say she has always had a tendency to be this way.
See it every day
I am an Administrator in a Assisted Living Community, and I see this every day. You feel on one side of it " She is an adult, it's her right!" and your right it is. You feel like you just want to yell at her, and you can't. I understand, I care for my residents deeply. What I can say is this. You have a couple options 1) Give in, but tell Mom it's her choice 2)Fight, sit down with mom and have a "Come to Jesus" meeting with her. 3) Speak with a Doctor and include a major influencer in her life in meeting and find out if there are other options. More insulin? Diabetic desserts?
As far as Medicaid, its an Awesome program! It seems wrong because Mom & Dad worked so hard to be on a limited income. But, care is there, supplies are there, and recourses are there! Reach out and use them. If not, ask me I'll give you my opinion may not be worth much! but its mine
Phoenix--
Congratulations on an uninterrupted trip!
Hold your dominion.
Hi everybody, hi lifesundone, and welcome. I know and feel what you
are going through. My dad is hemiplegia and he's 83 now. My brother ( 2
years older than me ) is quadriplegia. There are both home. Not to
mention my mother who was a lot of help before, not now anymore.
Just try to do what you see is best for her, I know it's tough to deal with
old people, believe me.
Hold your dominion ( Thanks VERY much Noddy )
Navigator--
I'm glad my words are useful.
I admire your attitude.
Hold your dominion.
Hi Noddy, I'll post another more ordinary, and horrible nightmare .
The story begin here
nightmare
Lifesundone--
How are things going?
Lifesundone, I agree with Phoenix on this. Your mother has a right to her autonomy and power, even if it kills her. Do what you can to inform her of the likely consequences of her suger-"transgressions", but do her the honor of respecting her autonomy. Once she's dead you'll be (or should be) glad you did. And if there's a conscious afterlilfe, so will she.
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