Wed 3 Oct, 2018 10:56 am
I'm a high school senior and the previous year was my first year in the school i'm currently in. When I first started I saw a girl that was from my year but from a different class and I found myself very captivated by her, the more I learned about her the more I was drawn into her. After a month of distant admiring I finally interacted with her and we became very close for the rest of the semester, it was actually quite confusing as I'm not sure what label should be put to what we had. See, she had her circle of friends as I had mine but we shared a very intense and passionate tie between us, with a lot of flirting, teasing each other around and clinging on each other and it had even went to a point where she dragged her friend all the way to where I was sitting with my friends during a football match and immediately sat on my lap in front of the entire school even though there was plenty of space for her and her friend, she sat down later but kept on repeating that "the bench is too cold" (it wasn't) until I finally caught on what she was trying to say and told her to sit back again. Through the entire time of observing her before, she never acted so intimately like that with anyone, not even her best friends. But, at the same time we weren't as close as to share deep conversations and secrets. Still, I had a very strong urge to confess to her but the fact that we live in a homophobic country and I don't know what her views are exactly, despite everything, held me back.
When the second semester came by, she oddly cut off ties between us for no reason at all, although I would often catch her staring at me quite a lot when she thinks I'm not looking. We basically became strangers but I was very busy with my exams so it distracted me from that fact. I thought I moved on but when this year started and I saw her again, all feelings came back to me harder than ever yet she was avoiding me more than ever. Before, she would go out of her way to be with me and now it's the complete opposite. Her indifference towards me hurt me badly and she's all I can ever think about it's turning me insane. After some time I was convinced that I've already fallen in love with her so hard I haven't been able to catch feelings for absolutely anyone but her, it's always been only her ever since I met her, I can't imagine anyone else taking her place at all.
I desperately want answers and reasons for her actions but I can never directly talk about it to her, much less even catch her alone as she's always with a friend. I really want us to get close again before we graduate and I can never see her again, which is a thought the really terrifies me. I've seen a lot of people, crushed on plenty, but never had as much passion and love as I have for her and I just can't and refuse to let her go. But at the same time, revealing it all to her might put too high of a risk in such a homophobic country. I'm really not sure what to do so thoughts or advice from you is highly appreciated.
This is just a suggestion, but if you see her staring maybe try and smile shyly or slightly bat your eyelashes. You could could also try holding eye contact for a few for seconds, just to make her notice. I also feel so much pity for you and I am so sorry that your county doesn't accept your completely natural and beautiful way to express love.
seems to be confusing enough. She may be embarrassed by her own act and thought you didn't like it. Talk to her and sort it out what she thinks and why she act like that.
thank you sweetie! feels nice to be met with support instead of hate for once. I'll make sure to try that out and see what comes out of it.
yes I do suspect that as well and been wanting to tell her that but I'm unable to catch her alone thus far :/