I feel like a lost soul sometimes.

10 to 12 inches is all i have to say... i am so done with snow for freakin' ever! it's coming down as if tomorrow was christmas. grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
camus i liked. when i was 16. haven't read him since. don't have the urge either. do you like it so far?

So far, yes, I think I do. But I haven't read any book that wasn't an italian dictionary or grammar textbook for the past eight months, so I am starved for anything different. In fact, I'm going to read some right now. G'night, kid.

So I just stumbled upon this thread and the first thing I read is Dag saying "10 to 12 inches is all I have to say", so of course I'm laughing now, when I read that she's talking about snow :-D

Dags shocking post was the only one I read, so I'll be back later to respond to the origional post.

A response to somebody who said that suicide was the only honest option (Sartre, maybe? someone who didn't kill himself, at any rate...). I kinda think it is most humane option, but, damn it, I like this walking around and seeing the sun and breathing and shagging and whatnot deal.

Okay, so tonight I am again thinking about the direction of my life. I feel like big changes are coming my way very soon. I'm not sure which way it's going to go...I think there's a possibility that I might be headed for a complete nervous breakdown.

I need to figure out what the f*ck kind of life I want.

What do I want to do with the next chapter of my life? What things would I have in my life if I could? What would I like my life to be?

Maybe it would help if I just forgot about the job part, and started with my fantasy life, then work backwards from there, paring it down to the closest I can realistically get to it.

Hmmm...I would like to live someplace where it is always summer. I would like to live on or near a beach, or at least work on or near a beach, and be half naked and at some kind of party half the time. The other half of my time I would like to fill with the following: I would like to write. I would like to play the guitar. I would like to watch TV. And not anything good, either. I'm talkin' all reality TV, all the time. I would like to just. hang. out.

I would like to have a job with as little responsibility as possible.

Now how much of this can I make happen? How can I do it?

Well, could you be a DJ in Miami?

Miami is nice. The DJ idea though...definitely not me. I tried to be a DJ once. Hated it. I guess that's just not my kind of party.

Surfer dude?

just play guitar on the Miami beach and write romantic poems for couples for pay.

Or, just maybe, you could find a 'real' job that doesn't suck the life out of you. Then you could really enjoy your free time. Hey, how would you like to travel for 6 months out of every year for a job?

Well, I hope you feel better soon, kicky, I have to go to bed.

Hey kicky,
It's not what you do but how you do it.









Really.

Love - it sounds as though you are really in the pre-change phase - which is exquisitely uncomfortable and confusing.

Hang on!

I never followed up with the flow thing, did I?

My point was that there are a lot of things that sound great from an overworked, office-bound perspective, but if there's no flow to them, they'll get old fast. Really.

That doesn't mean you can't find flow in there someplace --DJ'ing for example would have to be a flow experience, challenging and then you get your feedback right there, how the crowd reacts. But watching a lot of reality TV is opposite of flow. There's no challenge, there's no feedback.

Doesn't mean you can't do some of it of course, but it won't contribute as a whole to happiness, will just dig the hole deeper.

Anyway, this whole idea has been very useful to me as I make decisions about what I want to do. All things being equal, all I ever want to do is curl up on a chair and be left alone and read a good book. I've had to force myself out of that, because when I've indulged it it hasn't been good news.

I always start some new challenge kind of grumpy, not wanting to do it and wanting to just sit around and relax already, but I always, always feel goooood after I've gotten through some kind of challenge.

So that's part of what I was getting at with the meter reading or whatever -- it would be both novelty and challenge at first, you'd have to learn that stuff, but without flow (challenge, feedback), it wouldn't be sustaining for long. My dad, a few credits away from a master's in history and self-styled intellectual, had a very similar idea when he became a mailman -- hated it. Hated every minute of it. Couldn't wait to retire -- which he did a couple of years ago. And you know what? RETIREMENT is a struggle for him. In sum, I think he's more unhappy now than ever. He says it's about politics, I think politics are just the prism through which his unhappiness is being focused.

So. Doing something that is interesting AND challenging AND provides instant or nearly-instant feedback is what I recommend, whatever that may be.

What job would that be?

You could always start a job as a male escort...then you'd have all sorts of variety and plenty of interesting things going on.
Not to mention you'd get laid a lot.

Soz, I understand what you're saying, but when you say the word "challenge", I tend to shy away. I don't want my work life to be hard anymore. I just want a simple life now, with enough money to live. Just for a while. Not forever, just for now.

But that in itself is a problem. I really want to just do something non-stressful and non-challenging until such time as I get sick of it. But the problem with that is that it really would be a bridge-burning kind of thing. I don't know whether I could ever go back to doing graphics again. That's scary. No safety net is scary.

I feel like I haven't really articulated very well what I mean here, but I'm at work and I just can't concentrate completely on this. I'll come back later with more thoughts.

So why don't you? Get a job at a coffee house or book store. If you are afraid you won't get back into graphics, maybe you don't really want to be in graphics.

Maybe you'll get to Italy and just decide to stay there. Maybe for a short while longer, maybe a long while.

Or, maybe you'll get back from Italy on schedule and go back to your job refreshed, or go back to your job and quit.

Or, maybe you'll decide that the five year mark at work you've been holding out for was the light at the end of your tunnel and it will free you from feeling sucked under. Sometimes just having the freedom to make a change provides a lift. If that's the case though and you decide to stay in NY and stay in your job you should get a new focus or interest.

You've been looking forward to your trip and the 5 year anniversary for a long time now. Once those have taken place you'll probably want to set a new goal. Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I wonder if some of what you're feeling isn't related to having your goals come to pass soon and nothing new in site?

Let's pretend I know what I'm talking about, here's what you need to do:

Leave New York - it's gotten stale for you and even if you were offered a different job in a different company or moved to a new apartment in NYC, you would still feel less than happy.

You need a fresh start somewhere else. I am thinking it's not Italy. Although you are excited about your upcoming trip, I'm thinking that moving completely to Italy is rather bigger a step than you are comfortable making. How about the vicinity of California or environs?

For a new job - how about writing a column for a magazine/newspaper/rag? You would make a fantastic Agony-Uncle. Someone that would provide a good "kick" in the ass as needed, a no-BS type who will give advice to other men and/or women who cannot get their **** together and need a bit of light relief in seeing their problems humorously answered. Column should come with a warning! I remember seeing a movie once called "Good Advice" starring Charlie Sheen and Angie Harmon and it was pretty funny (more of a chick movie, so you'd probably hate it) but I could picture you doing an advice column and making men and women spit their morning coffee out, laughing.

Keeping the graphics alive might be possible (if you're scared shitless of getting stale) by keeping your hand in by designing websites or what-not. I dunno, not sure what your skill-set or area is when you talk about graphics per se.

I am thinking you are feeling a bit "lost" because you do think deeply (quite deep is our kickster), about all sorts of things. I can't speak for anyone else but I thought I was the only one that was different like this and had these blasted ponderances that totally screw me up. I do see lots (most) people around me with spouses, children, big homes, large mortgages, jobs I'd slit my wrists if I had them, huge responsibilities, yada yada yada who SEEM to be merrily happening along. I sometimes wonder if I'm missing some genes that make me want to do the same things and why can't I be blissfully living life like I know what the hell I'm doing. But I have finally come to accept myself, my many many flaws and all. I realize that I would hate me if I met me but that's okay, I have learned to love my own ****.

Kicky, if you don't already, you need to learn to love your ****, and don't be afraid to take a crazy leap if that's what it takes to turn your life in a new direction. Actively look for some happiness, it's not gonna jump up and bite you. Who's to say it won't be a crap-shoot. What's the complete worst that could happen? Fail? Be Unhappy? So you pick yourself up, move on to another experience and learn from it. At the end of your days wouldn't you rather look back and chuckle at the time you did some unexpected things like - move to San Francisco (to have your pick of the large selection of women the gay-men didn't move in on), tried your hand at posing nude for a college art class and found your likeness on a portrait years later by one of those students that became a fabulously famous artist, got stranded on a desert island with littlek (a reality show we could all watch).

40 is just a number. If you live to 80, then this is the middle of your life. You could have another 40 years to go. After a certain age you won't physically be as able to do stuff you dream about doing. Do them now before too many more years slip away and you get used to putting off something that might make you happy.

Oh my god, what a load of bullocks. I have to go lie down now, I feel completely drained. My god man, you sucked the life out of me with that Q.