Raising a resilient child

Until recently, resilience was thought to be an entirely inborn trait, giving rise to the notion of the ''invulnerable child,'' now recognized to be a mistaken idea.

Resilient children are not invulnerable to trauma or immune to suffering. But they bounce back. They find ways to cope, set goals and achieve them despite myriad obstacles like drug-addicted parents, dire poverty or physical disabilities thrown in their path.

As Dr. Robert Brooks of Harvard and Dr. Sam Goldstein of the University of Utah put it, being resilient does not mean a life without risks or adverse conditions but rather learning how to deal effectively with the inevitable stresses of life.

Herein lies an important concept: learning. To be sure, some of what makes up resilience is inborn.

But resilience can also be learned, say experts like Brooks and Goldstein, psychologists and authors whose newest book, ''The Power of Resilience'' (Contemporary Books), provides lessons in ''achieving balance, confidence and personal strength.''

They are lessons of considerable importance, as there is no such thing as a life free of losses and setbacks. People who lack resilience are less able to rise above adversity or learn from their mistakes and move on. Instead of focusing on what they can control and accepting responsibility for their lives, they waste time and energy on matters beyond their influence.

As a result, the circumstances of their lives leave them feeling helpless and hopeless and prone to depression. When things go wrong or don't work out as expected, they tend to think ''I can't do this'' or, even worse, ''It can't be done.''

Children learn to be resilient when parents and guardians enable and encourage them to figure out things for themselves and take responsibility for their actions. When Ray Charles lost his sight at age 7, his mother insisted that he use his good brain and learn how to make his way in the world. In the movie ''Ray,'' she watched silently after the newly blind boy tripped over furniture, cried for her help and then struggled to his feet unaided.

Children need to learn that they are capable of finding their way on their own. Parents who are too quick to take over a task when children cry ''I can't do this'' or don't insist that children learn from their mistakes are less likely to end up with children who can stand on their own two feet, take responsibility for their lives and cope effectively with unavoidable stresses.

The same applies to parents who provide children with everything they want instead of teaching them limits and having them earn their rewards and to those who make excuses for their children and repeatedly defend them against legitimate complaints.