Teen gone wild

Stop bailing her out. No more help of any kind.

Suggest to your husband that he write her a sincere letter--telling her how he feels.

He loves her--but he won't feed into her self-destruction by allowing her to treat him disrespectfully--so, she may call to talk, but the first abusive word, and he will hang up and not speak to her for another week--or day--or whatever he thinks is right.

While she is living a life that he had grave concerns about--he will not underwrite that life. No money, no how, no way. If she would like to know the characteristics of a life he would support, he'll be glad to tell her.

If she continues to call and cuss--get an unlisted number.

Nothing but the most stalwart consistency will stake out your position to her.

If you bail her out ONCE after this letter--it is hopeless.

People condition other people to treat them a certain way. Your reaction conditions her--she knows she'll eventually get what she wants--and nothing bad will happen to her--no matter what she says, or how she treats him. Condition her to know she will be frozen out--and barred from your presence if she does certain things.

Right now--she's 19--you have to pick your battles. Forget the old man and moral stuff. Stake out your position on living responsibly--getting a job--doing that job, keeping that job--performing like someone with just a little sense.

I'm sorry. This must be a frightening situation. Its hard to see them floundering. But, she needs to suffer. She needs to need his help--and not get it for a while. She'll change her tune.

I agree with Lash...but I also think you might have her drug tested.

Do she do this kind of behavior face to face? The yelling and cussing?

She's a very angry lil girl...and taking it out on those that love her. Sounds like to me, that they all need counseling....as a group. But as Lash put...I would put a stop to her getting a "rise" out of anyone in your household. Thats what she's aiming for anyway...is attention, like the 2 year old...they will get attention one way or the other, regardless whether its good or bad.

I wish you and yours the best.

mommie2more--

1. Wild is now a legal adult.

2. You are a stepmother of fairly recent standing. Judging from the timetable your marriage was one of the factors in changing Wild's behavior. While you may have the best of intentions, you may be part of the problem--not because of anything that you've deliberately done to antagonize Wild, but simply because you exist.

3. Wild has two parents. Your proper role is the old fashioned on of Helpmeet to your husband. You may feel mommie-like to Wild. She does not consider herself to be a daughter to you.

4. Neither you nor Wild's father can control Wild's mother's behavior--all you and her father can do is set policy for your house and your phone and your sanity.

5.

Wild's life belongs to Wild. You can't control her behavior. You can't control the pursestrings. You may be able to find her a job, but you can't force her to keep a job.

There is more than one path to adulthood and Wild seems to be choosing an infrequently traveled road. This is her decision. All you can do is be there when she changes her mind.

Meanwhile, support and console your husband. His heart must be breaking.

Good luck.

Lash, makemeshiver and Noddy,

You are all correct... I am a firm believer that people need to hit rock bottom to realize what they have. We've done that to Wild and it's been a while since we heard from her. This is the second most difficult situation I've had to deal with in my life... The first was getting me and my two boys out of a bad marriage at the very young age of 23. I remember thinking I couldn't ask my parents for help because they warned me about all the things that could (and did) go wrong. Like all teens I thought I knew more and that I had to prove everyone wrong.

My parents have been married for over 35 yrs, we are a close family and they have been there for all of us when we needed them. My father always told us, "as long as you are living under my roof and eating my food you will do as I ask and follow the house rules!" There was no room for much arguing, we had to earn their trust and respect. We all helped around the house, we all had to graduate from school... My goodness that wasn't even a choice, it was a given! Because we all turned out okay I'm raising my boys the same way. So if when my boys grow up and they got into trouble I will try to help, however if they get into legal trouble then they have to face the music. That's the way I feel because I'm not the one with a wild teen.

Now I'm married to a man who is 9 yrs older than I and has a 19 yr old daughter who is mad that I do exist. I know her feelings towards me are not personal but it's hard to accept. I feel bad for her because she and her sister have been put in the middle of all this, when her parents mom filled for divorced it was hard on her. My husband was very open and honest with me about the divorce; he said he had an affair. He told me because he said he didn't want to keep carrying the guilt inside anymore. He said he wanted to start off with the truth. Anyhow we dated for a while, and then I met Wild. During our first encounters Wild and I got along great, she eventually told me that her mom had told her why she was divorcing her dad. She said they had a mom and daughters meeting, keep in mind at the time Wild was 15 and sister was 6. Mom told them she wanted to make sure the girls knew what their dad had done. Not only did mom tell them about their dad's affair but, she also told Wild the only reason they got married was because she got pregnant with Wild.

All this happened before we got married; I did suggest that they all go to therapy. I told my husband that therapy had helped me and the boys cope with our situation and that it might work for them. Wild went but mom wanted nothing to do with it. Mom and I talk, I love my husband's kids and it really breaks my heart to see him suffering. It's been a while since Wild has contacted either mom or dad… All we know is that she lives in Riverside, and is traveling with this older man across the country.

I tell myself not to get involved but that is easier said than done. We are afraid she is involved in drugs and drinking… We had talked about doing an intervention but when my husband asked her mom if she'd interested she said no. She couldn't even tell us where she is…
Thank you all for your advice and letting me vent. I hate talking to my husband about all this because he bursts into tears. I try to be as supportive as I can but now I feel like I'm in the middle of it too. I know that she will grow up and call when she is ready; it's just hard to sit and wait.

m2m--

Helplessness is very difficult for a parent, step parent, grandparent....


Welcome to A2K. We're here if you need to vent.