The Great Leap Backward (SOTU address tonight)

Tonight, Our Leader gives his first major speech since the official launch of the Glorious Conservative Cultural Revolution. I'm sure that it will be a speech that will be remembered long after we're gone. It will a speech that will be required reading for generations of history students (in universities where conservative values have displaced liberal ones). It will be a speech that will be forever compared to such stemwinders as Calvin Coolidge's' Remarks to the Akron Rotary and Brigham Young's Great Tirade Against the Evils of Dominoes. It is a shame that most decent Americans will be unable to hear his words because they'll be in church, but that was why TiVO was invented.

That said, I have a few ideas to make the speech even better:

The Theme

Every great speech has a theme. Our Leader should shape his speech in a way that reminds us of his glorious victories and urges us forward in pursuit of his goals. In the last four years, he implemented a foreign policy based on the values of the McKinley Presidency and gave us an economy reminiscent of Hoover's America. The domestic agenda he will outline tonight will also hearken back to the golden eras of Victorian puritanism and social Darwinism. Indeed, it will be a return to earlier values, a Great Leap Backward if you will. That should be his theme.

Social Security

Our Leader's plan to undermine the New Deal is faltering. He needs to inject his Social Security initiative with the tonic of fear to nurse it back to health. With that in mind, I've created the following talking points:

1. Social Security will kill you. Nine out of ten people will die within twenty years of the time they start collecting it.

2. Social Security supports terrorists. Somewhere, a member of the Weather Underground is waiting for his check to arrive so that he can buy groceries and maybe even the parts for a bomb.

3. There were Social Security checks on the planes that hit the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

4. Social Security has weapons of mass destruction. Sure, logic tells us that Social Security is a concept and is therefore incapable of possessing anything, but Ahmed Chalabi says it has them.

5. Social Security is trying to homosexualize our children by promoting its pansexual philosophy.

6. Yes, because efforts to sell the plan to Congress are failing, Bush had to fired the person responsible (well, he had to fire someone eventually). Donald Rumsfeld will now take over. I'm sure he'll repeat the many successes he had at the Pentagon.

Family Policy (now speaking in the first person. This means you, George. Say 'I'.)

1. I'm a virgin. My twin daughters, Jenna and Jenna's sister, are both virgins. And my wife became a born-again virgin after she ran over the last guy who had sex with her. We want all of you to be virgins too.

2. We need to build strong family relationships. I come from very close family. In fact, we're so close, we all look alike (except the brown ones in Florida). My mother looks like Barney and my daughters look like my brother, Neal.

3. Abortions should only be available for your Honduran maid.

4. If you're ever in Thailand, don't open your hotel door.

5. Ny-Quil and aspirin will give you a buzz.

6. Porking your Secretary of State doesn't count as sex. It's one of those diplomatic liaison thingies.

Foreign Policy

1. Our mission is still accomplished in Iraq.

2. Iran harbors terrorists, possesses weapons of mass destruction, and hates freedom. We must invade, disarm, and torture them.

3. Massachusetts harbors terrorists, possesses weapons of mass destruction, and hates freedom. We should invade, disarm, and torture them.

4. Cartoonland harbors terrorists, possesses weapons of mass destruction, and hates freedom. We should invade, disarm, and torture them.

Economic Policy

1. Welcome to the ownership society. If you have not been assigned an owner yet, please report to Iran for duty.


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