Need advice about the loss of a loved one

Hi Spencer and welcome to Able2know.

I haven't been in your situation but I know that my own mother has, for her father.

My suggestion to you would be, assuming your mother is still lucid, to ask her what she would like. I know that sounds odd, but your mother, I am sure, realizes that her situation is dire. But she's also got very little control over things going on in her life (after all, if she were in control, she'd just get herself better), so it might be a comfort, odd as it sounds, for her to take some control of her funeral. I don't mean the actual calling, pricing and other arrangements, I mean just generic types of questions such as -

Mom, I know this may be a difficult subject and if you don't want to talk about it, I understand. But I was wondering if you had any thoughts as to the arrangements. (I don't think you need to spell it out; I'm sure she'll know which arrangements you're talking about)

If she's receptive, ask but don't overdo if she becomes tired, upset or irritable, such as -

Would you prefer a particular cemetary? Type of casket? Type of service? Would you rather be cremated? If so, where would you like your ashes to be sprinkled? Do you want a marker? If so, what do you want it to look like and say? I want to do what you like, whatever it is.

And then see what she says. She might want a plain casket, or a fancy one, or just to be cremated. Also, it's possible that she's already made some arrangements and has been waiting for you (or someone) to ask her about them.

But what if she says nothing, or is incapable of making these decisions?

If that's the case, then there are a few things to take into consideration:
(1) what does your faith (if you have one) say about such things? Me, I'm Jewish; we're required to have plain caskets so that decision is essentially made for us. Your traditions might dictate likewise.
(2) if not your faith, does your family have traditions or customs? Perhaps everyone is buried in a particular cemetary, or holds a wake in a particular manner. Ask your mother's syblings if they are still alive, or her friends, they might know.
(3) is your mother or your father a veteran? A union member? If so, certain benefits might attach. A veteran can buried (here in the US; I don't know where you live) in Arlington Nat'l Cemetary. If the veteran is buried there, the wife can be, too. As for a union membership, I recall my great-aunt was a union member and her union took care of some of the expenses. It pays to ask.
(4) you can also ask your sister, assuming she is old enough to understand and participate in such things. What do you think Mom wants? She (your sister) might be able to help out in this area.

Since your mother is ill, you may have some time to think about this and coordinate it. It may seem morbid to be shopping around, but consider the fact that it will be easier to do this now rather than later, when your mother has already passed and you are under some time pressures. If you can find the time, to break away from work and from care, to visit some funeral homes and do some pricing, it will be a great help to you later. Also contact the Better Business Bureau in your area (again, I'm assuming that you are an American), as, unfortunately, funeral home directors can sometimes be unscrupulous, and prey upon grieving loved ones who are not thinking about money.

It is not a bad thing to not have the most expensive funeral, casket and tombstone. It is no shame and it does not mean that you loved her any less.

Funerals, etc. can be costly. You're right to think of your sister's financial future. Now is the time to start doing the legwork, if you're emotionally up to it. Bring a friend, someone who can be objective and can ask the tough questions, or your wife or girlfriend if applicable. It will help to have someone to bounce this off of.

As for handling the estate, get into contact with your mother's lawyer and find out what being the executor (I assume that's the situation) means. That's if there's a will. If there is no will, then you are called the administrator of the estate and of course there is no lawyer but that does not mean that you cannot hire one. As with the funerary arrangements, shop around and also ask friends about who they can recommend. You can handle the estate yourself, but it is work and you may or may not be emotionally up for it. Here is an article on being an executor: http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/columnist/block/0016.htm

And my heart goes out to you, it must be a difficult time.

Hi Spencer,

I'm so sorry you're facing this difficult situation.

May I ask how old you are?

I don't have any immediate advice but wanted to offer my sympathy and bump this up so that more knowledgeable people could see it.

Welcome to Able2Know.

Oh my.

GMTA indeed -- that was a little freaky tho.

Thank you so much for the advice jespah. I do live in the US and luckily my Mom is open to discussing funeral plans with me. Honestly I've let myself get to busy to face it, but I know it must be done. The main thing I'm worried about is getting her estate settled properly and taking care of the assets. I'm just afraid that an attorney will be very expensive. I'm currently helping her through a divorce and possible bankruptcy after that so that we can conserve as much as possible for my sister.

sozobe,

My Mother is 52 and has had diabetes since she was four. As long as I can remember she has been preparing me to deal with her early departure. Even with her discomfort she has been a very positive person and always tries to help other people. In fact the hardest thing for her to deal with is the loss of independance and not being able to do things for others. She sees that as the reason she is still here well beyond what the doctors thought. I'm 29 but I feel that I have much in common with people who are 59. I seem to be facing similair problems like choosing elder care and trying to coordinate my mothers life. To complicate matters she was hit by a car in 2000 and has been unable to walk since which makes her mobility an issue as well. Luckily I have inherited my Mother's positive outlook and we try to enjoy every day that we can, I just realize that I have been avoiding planning her funeral and what to do as executor because it means facing her death is a very direct way.

Hi Spencer.

I lost my grandmother to cancer in 96'. I was too young then to learn how to help or what to do. So from that stand point.. im sorry I have no advice.
Though reciently , my husband lost his father ( last februaury) He died suddenly sometime during the day. I found him later that evening in his studio.
From the outside looking in , I learned / watched / and argued about a few things that happen when someone dies .
( Understand this.. I did not know my husbands father so if I speak of him as just another person with no grief in my comments.. it isnt because I dislike him.. I TRULY did not know him. so forgive me if that happens )

One thing I saw that just FLOORED ME. Was the prices of burials. My FIL ( father in law for short ) was ex military. He was in the airforce a few years .. had a heart condition and had to be discharged ( pacemaker ) Even with the government assistance ( 518.00$ ) a simple burial was over 5,400 dollars. This did not include the plot, Gov paid for that. This was just casket, services, body transport. Ridicilous amounts of money. In the funeral home and with the funeral directors.. I saw things happen that were sickning.
These people were saying things like " I know you love him ( to MIL ) so why not give him the best. " Then pushing casket prices at her.
Truth be known, ( hopeffully not harsh ) the dead know nothing of the casket. 10,000 on a casket is not a necessity. There is no reason for 'comfort' for the dead. 200 dollar pillows are not necessary. Beauty.. they can not see. But all of this was pushed at this poor woman as she sat in thier office just hours after the funeral home came to pick up her husband.
I am not in any way trying to sound rude, harsh , or inconsiderate. I just want you to know the possiblities of the funeral home in thier sales tactics. Through tears, grief and uncomfort, they can make you spend tons of money by simply saying " give them the best." Please.. watch out for this. Being that financial stability AFTERWORDS is of utmost importance to you, Jespah is right on the money . Shop around now. While there IS no tears to blur they typing on thier information packages. Get what your heart wants, and nothing more. I am not saying that each and every funeral home is like this. I am not even saying the one that was used for FIL was awful... Just be careful.

Another thing I learned first hand. have a copy of your moms death record ON HAND. Actually make several copies. After she is gone creditors may/may not still be seeking her. When FIL died, he had thousands of dollars in debt that MIL was unaware of. He was always making payments, always current.. she just never knew. She had to argue fuss and fight with these people because they refused to ' just take her word' that he had passed. With the death certificate , she was able to cancel out all but one creditor. She had to repay none and was never held legally responsible. Creditors need proof.. the certificate is what you will have to hand out.

I know I have rambled alot. I do apologize if anything was inappropriate. I just hope somewhere in my ramblings you can find some info to help you.
I am sorry you are going through this. I am also glad to hear that your mom has remained realistic about the situation and that you dont have to sneak around to get things done.

Good luck to you and your family through this time.

Thanks for your advice shewolf I'm going to be speaking with my Mom later today about her arrangements and then I will start calling funeral homes in the area to get their options and prices. I agree with you about being careful and I think taking care of things now will make it harder for anyone to take advantage of me in my emotional state after she passes.

Stay strong Spencer and know that you're not alone.
I lost my brother to cancer last September. The A2K crew helped me through it all, from the time he was diagnosed, through my fear and reluctance about going home to see him, my feelings after visiting him, until the end when he passed away.
Know that we are here for you.
Welcome.

Thank you, talking to people about this makes me feel better. It is amazing what some people must endure. It's wonderful to find a group of supportive and informative people such as this.

Thanks for the help.

Spencer--

Is Hospice care available in your area?

Americans are no longer used to dealing with death. From your posts as I gather that your mother was either well ahead of her time (or sensibly old fashioned) raising you to recognize that death cometh, soon or late.

Not all women are as sensible.

Check the blue pages in your telephone book--Aging is a likely heading--to find hospice facilities in your area. Most of hospice costs are covered by Medicare. The terminally ill can stay in their own homes and be visited by qualified nurses and sympathetic health care aids.

The hospice staff is also very helpful with advice and with finding community resources.

Good luck.