Was it my fault? Was it Rape?

Reply Tue 14 Nov, 2017 08:15 pm
I met this guy at my workplace. He was a customer and he caught my eye since he was looking at me. He would come back every now and then to see me. He finally asked for my number and I gave it to him because I wanted to get to know him better. At first he seemed normal but after a week of talking to him he was starting to get really serious. He told me he loved me and wanted me to move in with him. He was going to fast and I panicked. I told him my feelings weren't developing that fast and it was going to take time for me to open up and trust him. He started to become possessive of me like coming into my workplace every time and worked staying for hours. He became jealous of me working with my male coworker. If I didn't respond to him quickly he would blow up on me. It was coming to a point were he was starting to scare me with his behavior because it became obsessive. He would give me flowers and say I love you every time he saw me. I never said it back though. At this stage we had made out a couple of times but never had sex. I was still a virgin at the time. When I told him that he said he wouldn't pressure me and would wait as long as it took.

I realized that I was more afraid of him as the days went by and I tried communicating with him that love is not something that can be forced or brought. He never listened though and had to constantly ask me questions like do you love me, why don't you love me, why can't you say it back. etc. So I decided I needed to end it. That night he had a big argument with me saying that I wasn't fighting for him and he knew I wasn't any good. Then he told me he would kill himself if I left him because he didn't have anyone else. So I calmed him down because I was scared he was serious. So we didn't break up and I stayed. Later on a mutual friend told me that she needed to tell me something. She told me that while he was "with me" he had been hitting on other girls everyday and trying to get them to sleep with him. He would do this publicly. I was very upset because I felt like I had been lied too. I confronted him about it and he said it wasn't true and was upset that i asked him. So i dropped it once again to not anger him because I was afraid of what unpredictable thing he would do.

A couple days after that, he came to my work and went into the break room where I was eating lunch. He came unexpectedly. At first we were just talking then one thing led to another and we were making out. Then he said he wanted to give me oral sex. I told him he was crazy because I was at work and in public. He kept insisting so I gave in. Also he kept the lights off and door closed so know one would see or hear. In the moment he started to take his pants off. I told him I was not ready not once but a couple of times. It was like he wasn't listening. In the moment I told him he could just put the tip in not all the way. I was hoping he would stop pressuring me after that. So he put it in but went further than what I had reluctantly told him. Soon enough, when it was all said and done, we left the break room and he still wanted to be around me while I worked. I didn't want him near me or touching me at all. I felt so terrible and he saw it too but would not leave after I asked him multiple times. Meanwhile, I was getting this fever inside me and I could feel it grow. Eventually my manger saw that I was acting weird and told him to leave and he did. I was confused on what happened and I was in disbelief that I had just lost my virginity like that. I stopped talking to him and he was getting frustrated.

I was scared to confront him about what had happened in the break room because I felt he would have blamed me. I told one of my closest friends and said that is was rape and should report it. I eventually got the guts to ask him he didn't stop after I was hesitate on doing it in the first place and that I felt pressured. He replied by saying he did not see me hesitate and he didn't force me to do ****. I was furious and didn't reply, he texted me back saying I had played him and that is why he was suicidal. I never replied back to him because I am absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. After he told me he didn't force he to do anything I felt like it was my fault and had me questioning myself. Is it still rape if I said yes to come to a negotiation and give in to his pressure? I am really sorry guys this is really long but this has just been killing me on the inside and I am lost. Thanks for any advice.
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Reply Tue 14 Nov, 2017 08:24 pm
I'm so sorry this is happening.

I'm not so sure it's rape specifically, but this guy is an obvious abuser and probably a stalker. Tell local law enforcement (and they may have a differing opinion re it being rape - and their opinion should hold more weight than most others'). Get them to open up a file. Change your locks, block him on social media, and for God's sake, tell HR.

This guy is hazardous. It is only going to get worse unless you do something about it. You can do it.
Reply Tue 14 Nov, 2017 08:32 pm
Thank you for telling me you advice, I feel less alone now..I think that is the best option I have right now.
Reply Wed 15 Nov, 2017 07:25 am
Stay safe, hon. You can do this. I have every confidence in your abilities.
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