Expensive gift that I don't like from my boyfriend ...

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I have been in a new serious relationship for seven months now. We had known each other as friends for more than a year prior to things becoming romantic.

Here’s the problem. He told me that he wanted to give me something really special for my birthday (important, and I got the impression quite expensive and something that he already had in his possession). He came to me with a bottle of champagne and gave me the gift. It was a very large (chunky) white gold bracelet with emeralds, sapphires and diamonds. I had told him in the past that I don’t like silver as the colour doesn’t look so good on me so I was a little taken back but didn't show it. It came with no information on where it was from, who made it, designed it etc. It is not to my taste at all (very costume). At the time that he gave me it I showed that I was very touched and thanked him repeatedly. I also asked where it was from and he said something to the effect of “never you mind”. He told me that I may want to keep it in a safe deposit because it is worth a lot. I then asked how much because I honestly have no idea about the cost of jewellery and he told me “some thousands”. The next day, I looked at it again and my feeling was A) I feel strange that there is no information about where it was acquired and who made it etc. B) I just can’t imagine wearing it - do I keep it in a safe deposit box (which I don’t have or need) and more than likely never wear it???

I decided to wait a day or two and then bring it up gently. I asked over dinner if he knew where it was designed or made. It turns out it was something he acquired from an estate in his job and that he had given one piece to his mother, one to his daughter and now one to me. I then very gently told him that I wasn’t sure where I would be able to wear it because it was not really my style.. He then said “well then give it back to me” to which I replied “yes, okay, maybe that’s better. I mean I am very touched but it’s worth a lot of money and I’m not sure if I can wear it”. Only to find this was kind of a trick on his part. He was deeply deeply offended and in more than a few words has said that it has changed our relationship. It turns out that giving me this expensive gift was so very symbolic to him.

Isn’t a gift supposed to make the receiver happy as well? The issue here is not that I feel uncomfortable with a very symbolic and expensive gift from him - it is simply that I just don’t like the thing. I would never ever choose it. Therefore it seems a bit wasted on me.

Advice is very much appreciated!!!

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@Annapiana,

If he's using this gift as a passive-aggressive move to make you prove ... something ... then it's a dick move on his part.

You did right. You didn't like the gift and thought it was far too expensive, and you gave it back without judgment. He's the one in the wrong here.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thanks so much Jespah. I do feel that I did the right thing but judging his reaction, I am now wondering about the advice that people sometimes give such as - a gift is a gift, accept it with grace etc...

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@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

I am now wondering about the advice that people sometimes give such as - a gift is a gift, accept it with grace etc...

Nope. A gift between lovers can have, as you have said, "symbolic" importance. The value and type of gift can make a statement of the giver's intentions about the relationship. If a lover of 7 months gave (or attempted to give) me a gift that was worth as much as (say) a fairly decent used car, or was worth one or more months of my salary, I would hear alarm bells ringing loudly. Even if it was truly something I would love to have. Either they are trying to put an obligation on me, or they are so unsubtle that it did not occur to them that I might think so or feel embarrassed or awkward. After you returned it, he said "it has changed our relationship." Well, maybe it needed changing or perhaps a strong light shone on it, which this episode seems to be doing. He didn't even choose it, it came as part of some business deal.

Quote:

Isn’t a gift supposed to make the receiver happy as well?

That's not always the only thing that gifts are intended to do.

1 Reply

@centrox,

Thanks centrox. You are right to point out the fact that this gift wasn’t chosen for me but was part of a business deal. I also think this is a bit tasteless though in this case I’m not the only receiver of one of these items apparently as his family members have also received things.

I‘m generally okay with the symbolic and expensive gift after seven months in this case (we have known each other for quite some time beforehand). But the fact that he seems to think it impermissible that I quite honestly and tactfully express myself about the fact that the gift is just not to my liking does seem quite suspect. I suppose it is making me rethink things and wonder if there are some power dynamics present that I am really not okay with…which makes your final point more poignant “That’s not always the only thing that gifts are intended to do.”

Thanks for your insight.

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@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

But the fact that he seems to think it impermissible that I quite honestly and tactfully express myself about the fact that the gift is just not to my liking does seem quite suspect. I suppose it is making me rethink things and wonder if there are some power dynamics present that I am really not okay with

That's what came across to me. Of course, I don't know either of you, and it is possible I am being unfair to him, and it is your relationship, not mine. But that's what I think. Also consider his thinking and saying, quite emphatically, it seems, what is appropriate or otherwise for you to feel.

Annapiana wrote:

I‘m generally okay with the symbolic and expensive gift

Symbolic of what, though? That's the thing. And to whom?

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Annapiana, Jespah said it all in many fewer words than I did.

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@centrox,

Of course you don’t know either of us centrox but I don’t think you are being unfair to him at all - the facts are the facts. He gave me a very expensive gift that wasn’t chosen for me and is not my style at all. I know I was careful in trying to explain why something this expensive that is not to my liking is not something I feel comfortable keeping. I hate to admit it but he acted like a child. Both you and Jespah have made me realise that I need to look a bit deeper and ask myself why he gave the thing in the first place…and why the ridiculous reaction (really, it was over the top and quite nasty).

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@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

over the top and quite nasty

Hold on to that. Consider what it possibly implies for the future.

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@centrox,

That's only 'cause I was precoffee.

Better you know now, Annapiana, know what I'm sayin'?

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My wife says that any item of jewellery that she wears has to be chosen by her. I have bought her things in the past, and she has always told me exactly what to get and where to get it. It's a personal choice, she says, and that's an important point to me (and her). This guy is muscling into your personal space by seeking to make this choice for you and his reaction to your refusal is significant. That's what I think this is about. One sees controlling men who make their wives or girlfriends dress in a vulgar and flashy way to show off their wealth and, possibly, ownership and control. You could wind up being a pretty bird in a golden cage.

Quote:

he had given one piece to his mother, one to his daughter and now one to me.

There you go.

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@centrox,

Yes, as my expressing that the gift was not really my style only happened last night, and what followed were several hours of fairly wrenching conversation, I reached out to you all for some kind of sense and common ground which you have given me - thanks for that. Unfortunately I could not find such a sense last night - it all struck me as very irrational.

I spent the day alone thinking and have found myself muttering “what a jerk” or worse. Oh and I took the bracelet out of the drawer to have another look at it and it really is quite gaudy! This is a man I have been quite madly in love with for some months now. He has been very generous, not only with paying for things but also with affection, care and love. That said, it seems he can veer off into infantile territory and be quick with his tongue.

Centox, your arrangement with your wife that enables her to choose her own jewellery is emotionally sophisticated but also it is the obvious thing to do if you ask me. And about your pretty bird in a cage remark, it opened my eyes a little further - what can I say - the fact is that this man probably has been doing a bit too much plumping and pluming at times. On the one hand this is nice because every woman wants to feel beautiful for their man and I enjoy looking good but if I’m honest there have been moments when it has made me uncomfortable.

Ugh, it's all a bit disappointing. Thanks again.

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@Annapiana,

I am sorry for the disappointment you must be feeling now.

Annapiana wrote:

I spent the day alone thinking and have found myself muttering “what a jerk” or worse.

This guy is a dick:

Quote:

He told me that I may want to keep it in a safe deposit

Annapiana wrote:

Centox, your arrangement with your wife that enables her to choose her own jewellery is emotionally sophisticated but also it is the obvious thing to do if you ask me.

It goes to the root of what we both want our relationship to be. We don't have a lot of truck with wedding rings and stuff like that. She does like hand crafted silver stuff. Understated. It shouldn't be seen as sophisticated or special, but rather (like you say) the obvious thing to do.

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@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

I also think this is a bit tasteless though in this case I’m not the only receiver of one of these items apparently as his family members have also received things.

They probably have more to lose than you do, in the long term, by refusing his gifts, anyhow they are family assets and they can always sell them. You'd be surprised how often showy jewellery has a second-hand value much less than the purchase price.

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@Annapiana,

I'm curious. Does he like the piece? does it seem like something he'd admire for its beauty in general?

Is he a bold dresser? generally appreciative of bold dressing/appearance in others?

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

You raise s a very good point ehBeth. Yes, he is a good dresser, bold, very stylish, he is Italian and so it comes naturally. I think he quite likes the bracelet though he did acknowledge that it wasn’t exactly easy to like it. Overall, I think he felt it was nice enough for me to wear and that it would make him happy to see me wear it. This is what is difficult here - I love that he likes to see me feeling beautiful and I am talking less about pure aesthetics and more in a general sense, but given that it is so significant in value, I just didn’t feel comfortable with it because in all honesty, it really is something that I would pass on without any doubt whatsoever. I didn't feel like pretending. I'm sad that he was so hurt, so much so that he lashed out quite a lot, but I also feel that I should be able to be honest with him. I suppose I thought it might be a bit uncomfortable but become a joke between us rather than a full melt down.

1 Reply

@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

I am now wondering about the advice that people sometimes give such as - a gift is a gift, accept it with grace etc...

I will say I tend in this direction with one very specific exception - clothes that couldn't possibly fit and even then I try to find a way around rejecting the item completely

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@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

I also think this is a bit tasteless though in this case I’m not the only receiver of one of these items apparently as his family members have also received things.

interesting

I look at almost the opposite way - that he thinks enough of you to give you a gift similar to / related to something he gave to the most important women in his life

1 Reply

@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

And about your pretty bird in a cage remark, it opened my eyes a little further - what can I say - the fact is that this man probably has been doing a bit too much plumping and pluming at times. On the one hand this is nice because every woman wants to feel beautiful for their man and I enjoy looking good but if I’m honest there have been moments when it has made me uncomfortable.

this is very significant

more important that the gift itself in that it's making you look at the relationship carefully

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@Annapiana,

Annapiana wrote:

. Overall, I think he felt it was nice enough for me to wear and that it would make him happy to see me wear it.

interesting

from your posts I get a sense that he thinks of it as something much better than 'nice enough'. saying something is perhaps difficult to like is a suggestion that you need a certain level of taste to be able to appreciate it

he may have been trying to step up your style/taste and thought this was a good opportunity to do so

sounds like it was ham-handed at the very best

__

not at all sure I'd have handled it as you did but he does have to know that side of you as well as you needing to see him react negatively in response to your comments

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Expensive gift that I don't like from my boyfriend ...

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