Expensive gift that I don't like from my boyfriend ...

Yes, perhaps that line you that quoted from me was a bit misleading. There were other items of jewellery not the same as the one I received and I thought exactly that - he was giving me an important gift as he had given other very important women in his life - really an honour that part. The problem was that I didn't feel that pretending I liked it was fair, particularly because it was worth so much.

I know what you mean ehBeth but I think in this case he did imply that it wasn't exactly easy to like but he also thought it was nice enough- the value was a significant part of it I think. It was obviously a significant symbol of his affection and I am sad that he was upset. But then he and I have many symbols of affection so I wouldn't have thought it would be so significant that I suggest it wasn't really quite right for me. Thanks for helping me to think this through.

Absolutely.

If anyone presumed to try to "step up" my style or taste, that would be terminal. Seriously.

It's something you see from many people in relationships. Buying the other person all sorts of things that they either they think will make the person more comfortable or suitable or happier or something.

It's not necessarily done with bad intentions so I find you have to step carefully in this area.

Yes ehBeth, I agree that the intentions in the giving are good, and, that stepping carefully is needed - that said, I thought I did step quite carefully. However, I feel like I am being pressured to say I like something when I don't. The issue here is merely about taste, style, and preference - not whether I love the man, so if I follow the logic, it's almost as if someone is telling me that my taste, style, and preference is irrelevant. If I ever wore something that my man didn't like, I would have no problem tweaking things and finding something that appeals to both of us. That would be compromise. It's a two way street. In fact, I wasn't even expecting him to take back the thing and go and find me something else. He is already very generous and I don't need more.

I am feeling the need to step carefully myself! I should perhaps clarify that my wife and I are middle aged, left-wing progressive arty types, in Britain, and we both have quite strong beliefs about equality in relationships. Furthermore, we don't much like "traditional" sex-roles in a relationship where the woman dresses and acts very "feminine", i.e. lots of makeup, coiffed to the hilt, lots of eye shadow, lipstick, jewellery, high heels, high-fashion, etc. Likewise for the man, (me!) acting "masculine", Rolex on a hairy wrist, etc, dripping with bling is out. Me being "her man" and she being "my woman". All that. And when I read you, Annapiana, saying things like "looking beautiful for my man", and again "my man", I think that perhaps I am out of my zone of expertise. Having said all that, I do sense that you are aware of an issue around being expected to "like" something that you don't actually care for. To me, this would be important. Jewellery, its style and the amount worn are personal choices, and that I feel comfortable in commenting on.

Years ago I dated a successful woman who earned 3 times what I did, and once she said "Come on! I'm going to take you shopping!" She wanted to buy me clothes, shoes, a watch, etc, to (I think) make her feel more comfortable being seen with me. Maybe other motivations? Mostly chosen by her. I dug my heels in and it triggered an acrimonious breakup, where she accused me of being ungrateful and just plain incomprehensible. She maybe was just wanting to be kind, but it made me feel very uncomfortable and anxious. That's why I reacted to comments above about "stepping up style and taste".

Hello centrox,

Your anecdote about the woman who wanted to take you shopping and dictate your style is a good example of someone crossing the line - good on you for digging your heals in. If I’m honest, there have been moments recently when I have felt the same - not always but occasionally.

I’m British (46) although I lived in the US for some years and now live in Italy. Yes, I know “looking beautiful for my man” talk can seem suspect and it’s not the type of thing I say often, more to express a point I suppose. I was born and raised in a very left wing household and I’m progressive in thinking. That said, I have found myself become more comfortable with a mildly traditional/gender conformist slant at times (but only when it comes to a few specific things). What I mean by that is that I do actually enjoy the feeling when the man I love encourages me to feel attractive and I don’t mind making an effort with him in mind (though it must also be for me too). That said, it has it’s perils and I find spending too much time thinking about how one looks generally distasteful and self indulgent, furthermore it leads to dissatisfaction in the long run. I am certainly not the glitzy glamorous type - probably I try for the more classical look though I am frequently just plain and practical.

But anyway, perhaps I do feel a bit of pressure from this man to “look right”. The problem is that Italian women are so bloody good at being stylish and it's all quite engrained in the culture. When it comes to this ordeal about the bracelet, I will also be digging my heals in but for the moment at least, the whole relationship is in question.

She said at one point "I was willing to spend a grand on you!", she was both cross and uncomprehending. This remark really made me sure I needed to end things. The whole plan costed out! and clearly, she felt, one that no sensible man would refuse! I really felt that her world wasn't mine.