feeling lost and alone making tough decisions

Wow, it's hard enough when a parent ages to a point where their offspring have to set up care for them, but to have the added issues of your being an only child and your mother needing serious meds makes thinks even more difficult.

My mother and her siblings are still dealing with this. They kept my grandparents at their own home until my grandmother died, my grandfather who'd been bedridden by strokes went to live with one of my aunts at that time. The home care was a lot of work for my mom and her sibs. And they used up a lot of money to do it. But, I think they all totally agree that it was worth it.

Sorry, I'm rambling and not giving you a lot of advice.... others here will have much more info and advice for you. Good luck.

pinkyroo--

Welcome to A2K.

Your children come before your mother--particularly since your mother can't be trusted to be a responsible adult to and in front of your children.

Getting a companion for your mother might be ideal--if your mother behaves like a person a companion would want to stay with for room & board and a bit of money.

Before a nursing home is necessary there are Assisted Living Homes. Your mother would have to be physically independent--able to take care of her personal needs--but someone would be on hand twenty-four hours a day in case of accidents.

The psychotic condition which has plagued you all your life may turn out to have some advantages. If your mother has stopped taking her meds again--at 75--this will "prove" that she is incapable of living alone.

It will also "prove" that she is not an ideal granny to move into a house with young children.

Check the Internet to see what is available in her town and in your town. She deserves choices--informed choices--and she can have choices: Her town or your town.

If you want to vent, we're here. Good luck.

Welcome to the sandwich generation (and to A2K).

I think you need to talk to a social worker in your mother's state. They can fill you in on a lot of services you may not be aware of.

You also need to think of what is best for your mom - living with you may not be the best thing for her.

If she has the money but is not willing to spend it, and, if she has a psychiatric disorder you may be able to gain Power of Attorney. That way, her "cheapness" might not be a factor.

Good luck.

Vent away.

You are in a hard situation.

thanks
thanks for listening. I feel like no matter what I decide, I will be the looser and frought with guilt. Have her here, gulity for what my kids face, in a nursing home, guilty for abandoning her, at home, scared of caregiver abuse. ugh.

anyway, thanks for listening. I'm calling the doc and social worker we delt with from the psych ward tomorow so hopefully, they will be of some help.

Anybody have any advice for finding a live in caregiver?

BTW I'm in Canada.

pinky

As a secondary issue here, you might want to talk with an estate planner as well. If you end up going the nursing home route and it becomes a long term care situation any government financial assistance she'd get (i.e. nursing home subsidy) involves an assesment of her financial assets and, if she owns a home and transfers it to you later (before passing) then it could have a pretty significant impact on her finances. Other assests can effect how much of a subsidy she'd get too. The impact probably wouldn't be as much but it might be smart to find out now (if you haven't already) instead of waiting.

pinkyroo,
I too am new to this site, but I have been dealing with this type of problem for several years now.

First talk to a lawyer, one that has some experience in elder care or estate planning. I found that I could not rely on what the medicare/medicaid people would tell me ( not to say yours would be as 'uncooperative' as mine were -- but I got a whole diff level of cooperation after I had some legal advice!)

Have you visited some nursing homes? They are not all as bad as you might think! Most have a range of social activities for the residents, and if your mom is physically active, there are always home visits or day outings with family or with the nursing home staff. ( Plus they will administer her meds and monitor her condition)

Her doctor may be able to help you, and if she is hospitilized there should be a social worker at the hospital to give you some advice. It is usually easier to get someone admitted to a nursing home if they go there directly from a hospital stay. ( At least it is here)

I know about the guilt, but there is no way I could give my Mother the level of care she needs. ( She was partially paralyzed by a stroke) And my Grandmother actually loved being with all those people her own age! Bless you and good luck!

Does your partner's employer have an EAP, pinkyroo? They often provide help to family's who are struggling with exactly these issues.

pinkyroo--

How are things going? Have you found any help?

Pinkyroo--

Hope all is well.

Next to the wonderful sex and companionship I had from my ex wife when we were together the thing I miss most here in old age since she left me is her opinion. She kept me out of many problems by providing me with good advice.

Lately I have had some fairly critical, personal decisions to make. They involved whether or not to have a liver biopsy, selecting new doctors, decisions to purchase oil paintings and whether or not to purchase an expensive car.

I think I made the right choices and I am not losing any sleep because of them. Yet, I would feel much better had she been here to second my decisions.

Noddy is right on the money to suggest assisted living.
Assisted living VS Nursing home is a big difference.
In assisted living, people live in an apartment setting vs a shared 'hospital' type room. They maintain their dignity, have their privacy, their own lives, but have access to a nurse, nurses assistant, medical technician, and emergency medical care if ever needed.
The nursing staff check in periodically through out the day , MORE of then then they can at a nursing home. It would be the same as hiring someone , yet , the nurses are there 24-7 , unlike a hired in home help who clocks out and is out of reach for hours on end.

I have worked in both settings.
I am a nurse who has worked with Alzheimers, Schitzophrenic, Bi-polar, Demented, and paralyzed elderly patients for over 9 years.
The decision you have to make is going to kill you emotionally. It is never easy to decide what to ' DO' with your parents. The percentage of elderly people who need structured care in their later life is something like 15%.
So the options are minimal. Let me see if I can outline them for you and give you a good understanding of them.

im going to speak very bluntly.. please don't be offended.

Nursing homes are a last resort for alot of reasons.
1) They are HORRIBLY understaffed and 90% of the people who end up in them are there to die. their families have walked away from them and left all the care to ill equipped nurses. The ratio is usually 35 patients to 1 nurse. Those same 35 people have only 1 nurses assistant . The nurses assistant is the one who does the grunt work. They have to change diapers, give showers, feed, clothe , and attempt to help with exercize for these people. Needless to say, basic needs are not always met.
The nurse is responsible for medicine, Dr communications, basic cleanliness, charting, Iv's, colostomy care, and over all health of 35 people. Again, things don't always get done.
Nursing homes are depressing. People do not have privacy, they do not have dignity. Because of the understaffing and lack of basic help, the residents are often "cared for" in the presence of OTHER residents. Meaning.. showered in the same room, changed in the same room etc.
Nursing homes are built so this happens.
If your mother still has her mind and is able to speak for herself, do for herself , and is able to socialize, nursing homes wouldn't be an optimal place for her. Nursing homes are usually reserved for the people who are physically and mentally incapable of caring for themselves. They can not feed, clothe, bathe, or bathroom themselves because of medical reasons. They usually can not speak for themselves nor are they AWARE of anything anymore. They require someone to get them out of bed, dress them, feed them etc. Basic life needs , they can not meet.
I am NOT saying all nursing homes are like this.
there are exceptions to every rule.. just not many

Assisted living is usually a community of older people living in an apartment like setting. They have their own rooms ( sometimes shared rooms...) and their own 'life plan'. Most still own their own cars and have full lives. The staff ratio is smaller in an assisted living setting. Something like 1 nurse, 1 nurse aid to about 45 - 55 people. Simply because the residents of an assisted living don't NEED intense monitoring. They can usually ask for what they need ,and just need someone to remind them of their meds, and check in on them every few hours. Most of them cant do simple life tasks because of arthritis or loss of mobility. They need the extra hand , but live their own lives. They are aware of themselves and able to function on their own most of the time. It is like an apartment building , but with nursing staff.
With the lack of assistance the residents of assisted living facilities need, you get better nursing care. The nurses and nurse aids are not running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They develop friendships with the residents and have time to TALK with them about what they need. They have plenty of time to DO regular checks on the residents and tend to be part of that facilities staff for many more years then they do in nursing homes.
What the nurses convey to the doctors of residents in these facilities is usually met with less question then in a nursing home. Alot of times in the nursing homes, the medical decisions that nurses are required to make are WAY out of their league, but are required because the nursing home is so crammed.. noone else can make sense of what is going on.
In an assisted living facility, because the nurses get to spend much more one on one time with the residents, and the residents can SPEAK for themselves, when the nurse recommends a med change to a doctor, 9 times out of 10 the request is filled with no questions.
Doctors make more regular scheduled visits to assisted living residents then they do in nursing homes.
There are more activities and options for socializing in an assisted living facility as well. The atmosphere is perfect for people who are still ' living their lives' then in a nursing home.
In this situation, it sounds to me like assisted living is the optimum placement for your mother.

The other option is having an in home nurse.
Having an in home nurse can be GOLD. They deal with only one patient, develop great friendships with their patients and are able to report everything and devote their entire time to you and your mom.
Biggest down fall... THEY GO HOME at the end of the day leaving you to pick up the slack. Either with another nurse or your own time.
The benefits of an in home nurse out weigh assisted living in a few ways.
The reports the in home nurse makes of their patient are immediately sent to upper staffing ( usually an RN or NP ) If there are any significant changes, the upper staff either calls a doc for a med change or investigates themselves. Reaction time is quicker because the staff is able to respond faster. In an assisted living, the nurse has to wait for a doctor to OK her decisions and that usually takes a few days because doctors are SLAMMED. In home nursing care usually has an NP ( nurse practitioner ) on staff who can do med changes themselves and don't have to wait for a doctor. NOT ALWAYS! but a good majority of the time.
In home nursing is also the cheaper way to go and is mostly covered by personal insurance. The one on one care and relationship you get from an in home nurse beats ANY other option out there. The only problem is that they will not be there 24-7 to keep your mom on her meds. There is a time you will have to pick up the slack. Because of that, i don't think this is a great choice for you.


But.. these are my opinions and my experiences.
I am not 100% accurate.
I just wanted to offer what I have been through and what I have seen in these facilities and I hope I have helped you some..
Good luck in your decisions.

Good stuff to know shewolfmn. I see things in these areas about the way you do and it is nice to read it from someone with real experience.

I live in a nice retirement community. I know of at least two people that appeared quite able to take care of themselves yet they committed themselves to a nursing home. Both had relatives but neither were close to them.

One of these two was a retired Army Colonel. He drove a late model sports car and usually drove to a breakfast place every morning. I believe these people simply got lonely and got tired of taking care of themselves or were to lazy. Granted they were up in years (late seventies or early eighties) but they were "up and about" people.

I have aches and pains like everyone does as a result of age and more than likely they will become more severe. When I am ailing, the last thing I need is to have people around me. Especially strangers. I was in hospital a couple of times during my thities and forties and nothing is worse than being in a ward on a Sunday during visiting hours when you are not feeling well!

No, for me I have heard too many bad tales about nursing homes and when I eventually need assistance I am going to arrange something in the line of home care. Even if I cannot have someone here full time I will have an individual to clean and cook. To me the most important considerations to make when you become old and gray are to be independent and dignified. I'm pretty certain I can do that with a little help here in my own home.

Nursing homes are toxic to a persons mental health.
They are dreary, somber and scary.
I have only seen a handfull that appeared diffrently.

But , for some people, they are a necessity and a god-send.