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What to say to the other woman that doesn't know of you?

 
 
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 01:40 pm
My BF and I have been together 4 1/2 years. We got pregnant really quick and everything was good for pregnancy and until baby was born (except the sex went away). We now have a 3 1/2 year old. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs but he still comes home to me/us (my daughter and I) we do things together and spends money on us as we are a family.

My biggest problem is he is very closed he doesn't like to talk. We've had a few conversations about things and it always goes bad. When I ask his friends why things are different he tells them I'm not the same girl I used to like to party and drink and now I don't. I used to be this fun blonde. Yea since I heard that I went back blonde lol. But my priorites changed we have a kid. Did his? No he still goes out on his nights off and stays out till last call recently more so had a few nights he didn't come home till 5 or 6 or 7 in the morning. But he always has an place he was.

I found out about 10 months ago he was on POF and still using it. I had a friend tell me. I told him he told me he would delete it but now he has the app on his phone. Oh, and his phone is a whole other issue he's very private about it but when we first got together I didn't have a smart phone and he let me use it for facebook etc. Not anymore if I am caught touching it he goes crazy.

We had a conversation about me snooping in the beginning but I try to catch him leaving it around and maybe 1 or 2 times a month I can get my hands on it. I really don't want to as I see what's going on.

I went through a 4-5 month period of him sleeping on the couch and could hear him talking on the phone he'd come in late sneak the door shut of sleep on couch. Well one day I got smart and listened through door and even opened door and listened heard things I didn't like I addressed them with him. He to me lied but he could be telling the truth. But I also don't believe what happens in vegas stays in vegas either... not that he said that but it's along the same lines.

More recently I have found various names with POF at the end letting me know he met them there. I find them sending him nudes. Talking about things in the most inappropriate matter. But more recently this 1 girl with a local area code concerned me that I used my previous background as a background investigator to use. I took the number found out everything found everything on FB and even got her local information. It pisses me off cause she is here in the area and this one is easy to get to or call for a date.

I got his phone and looked through the pictures and found some of what looked like his land on a female body. NOT MINE. And I lost it inside. I read all the time that they talk and he wants to kiss her lips and how beautiful she is. These are all things he doesn't tell me anymore.

Now before you judge me I am the kind of woman that will tell her man just be honest with me and we'll be good. I am also the kind of woman that will work on something till it burns me (yes that's the bad part). I will forgive way to much and I don't just let things go without a fight.

He is the type of man that is very clsoed doesn't like to discuss things or talk about them so I tippy toe around the facts and let stuff eat me alive. If I talk about the wrong thing at the wrong time or send him a long text message he looses it like "I'll get another long text message from you" and he never responds.

So talking to him isn't the issue. I found this a while ago and had an app on my tablet and messaged anonymously these people. And he did bring it up one day saying one of his friends said they got a text saying something like. "They said they got a weird text saying someone they know might not be truthful with them they may have a whole other life" .... i said something like that not directly.

So with this one since I feel they meet up for dinner, I know she's a single mom, she knows he has a daughter but no idea what she knows about me. Probably nothing I'd like to anonymously contact her and say something to the like. I've thought about having a friend do it but why. I know of a app I can use to anomalously text her but I have no idea what to say. Sucks that deep down she's getting hurt just as much as me cause she probably has no idea. In my eyes a smart woman would always look into someone new in there life like that but... women don't think smart when it comes to men sometimes. I know I don't.

I don't need to know I need to leave him. I want to address the problem I know how his brain works. As I said I believe in forgiveness and working things out. I think there can be hope for someone regardless it's always worth a try.

So what should I say to this "other woman" that has no idea of me, and I'm pretty sure of that. I believe they met on Plenty of Fish. Her FB profile is very private. I dont' think I could do that anyway. And the only way it would work is if it was anonymous. I've thought about asking a friend but I think that might make it even weirder cause I can't control the conversation. So what should I say or do. Keep it simple or just say you've been talking to xyz he's got a girl and a kid and a whole life with them. SO CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED

 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 01:51 pm
@f4ntasy774,
f4ntasy774 wrote:
So what should I say or do. Keep it simple or just say you've been talking to xyz he's got a girl and a kid and a whole life with them.


does it matter what you say to her? she doesn't care. she is in a relationship with a guy who is pursuing her.

what are you going to say to this guy who continues to have relationships with other women?
f4ntasy774
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 01:57 pm
@ehBeth,
She's not in a relationship with him. They are just talking if anything. Saying something to him about it is not how it will work. He learns only from getting burned and mistakes. I bet she does care cause she's been hurt the same way before. Why she's a single mom.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 01:58 pm
'I will forgive way to much and I don't just let things go without a fight."

And, what's the reason for feeling like THAT? What are you fighting for?

What in god's name does he give you except suspicion and heartache?

Kick his ass out - just after you have seen a lawyer and lined up your child support and split of any assets you have accumulated with the guy.

Then get some counseling as to why you sacrifice yourself over this man who is neither a father or a husband.

PS. This "other woman" will find out soon enough about him. No need to tell her.

tibbleinparadise
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 02:51 pm
@f4ntasy774,
Rather than applying effort to your husband and his relationships, focus on your own mental health. In this situation, you really need to worry about yourself and your child first and foremost. Your husband and his business will sort itself out on its own.

Find a good counselor and stick with it. Work through why you've allowed this to go on for so long.

And while you're doing that, find a good lawyer and file for divorce based on your husband's persistent infidelity.

Get yourself and your child out of that situation, continue counseling, and stay out of any type of relationship until you are divorced and your counselor feels like you are in a good place to start dating.

Exercise, yoga, healthy diet, find a new hobby where you can be around other people in a positive environment (a book club or something), find things that will help restore your confidence and self image while you work on yourself.
f4ntasy774
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 07:00 pm
@PUNKEY,
Guess it's easy for you to walk away from something and not believe that something can be corrected. That you learn from your mistakes. And guess you never went to church. I don't practice anymore but was raised in the church forgiveness was a huge thing for me and my familiy and acceptance for me growing up. He gives me so much this is the only negitive part of our relationship. If it where not for this it would be fine. He's also a great father.
0 Replies
 
f4ntasy774
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 07:02 pm
@tibbleinparadise,
Not married luckily but I have been in therapy and we're not finding any true reason why I should just walk away when I believe in something. All of those things in the last sentence I already do so ... plus I do concentrate on myself and my daughter as #1.
tibbleinparadise
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 07:36 pm
@f4ntasy774,
Apologies, I thought I had read you were married in there! These kinda posts come up frequently so they all sort of blend together.

I'd say your guys behavior is a pretty good reason to move on, he sounds terrible. I'm not sure I understand why you are keeping yourself in a situation where your partner has so little respect for you.
tibbleinparadise
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 07:42 pm
@f4ntasy774,
And I get that you believe in your relationship and believe in forgiveness. I respect that you have those beliefs. I don't feel like your partner does though, otherwise he wouldn't be on dating sites talking to other women in secret.

If he just has female friends and it was all on the up and up, it's no big deal. That's not the case though. He is deliberately hiding these side relationships from you and lieing in the process. The foundation of any good relationship is trust. If you can't trust your partner it is time to move on, otherwise you are going to continue to be hurt on a deeply psychological level.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 09:50 pm
I dont get it: you want to know if you should call this woman up and tell her that he is cheating on you. So you DO admit he is a cheater.

Then you defend him and try to list his good qualities.

She could call you up and tell you the same thing, you know.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 10:00 pm
@f4ntasy774,
Look - it's pretty clear he's not really into you any more.

Depending on your jurisdiction, you may already be considered married under the common law. It's easier for him to stay with you and only have to maintain one residence than to completely break up with you and have to contribute to your child's support and maintain his own home.

You are a convenience.

If you want more from him you are going to have to deal with him - not with the women he has developed / is developing new relationships with. They owe you nothing.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 10:06 pm
@f4ntasy774,
f4ntasy774 wrote:
I don't just let things go without a fight.


So talking to him isn't the issue.



here's the thing

talking to him is the issue

he had a relationship with you

if you want to restart that relationship you have to deal with him

he's on POF - he's not just looking for someone to chat with

top 10 hook-up sites

http://ca.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-hookup-websites_2.html

Quote:
POF offers a good alternative to dudes who are looking for a hookup (or more) on the cheap.
f4ntasy774
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 10:16 pm
@tibbleinparadise,
This is the only real non respectful thing he does or has ever done. Other than that he's a great father, boyfriend he takes care of us and works really hard to do so. Every relationship has issues or problems just so many people give up without trying to fix it. I think that's why divorce is so high.
f4ntasy774
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 10:21 pm
@PUNKEY,
So cheaters can not be forgiven they can not learn from there mistakes. In the long run I'm just a different woman than you I'm willing to put up with it and work on it. I'm not asking if I should call her I'm saying how I should handle it like should I be ligit up with her boom in your face or just gental say you might want to check yourself. I defend him cause this is the ONLY thing wrong in our relationship if it wasn't for this everything would be really nice. She could never call me and tell me the same thing I'm the babies momma I'm sure he's got some story about me already to her. Plus I live with him in the same house share the same bed etc she doesn't and I have 4 1/2 years of history with him she doesn't she's the side girl. If she did I'd say good to know so hopefully you realize I am rweal and walk away instead of being a home recker. i doubt that would ever happen though
0 Replies
 
f4ntasy774
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Jul, 2017 10:25 pm
@ehBeth,
No common law in CA doesn't exhist.

I can't start with him I have to have him get it else where he won't talk about it.

I highly doubt it's convienance cause he wouldn't tell me that he still sees us one day getting married but we still need to work on things. He wouldn't tell me that he sees that things have gotten better in the past year.

He's always had POF before we met. So it's not like this is new to him. He also says he's just on there for dating nothing serious but.... they don't give you that many options my gf is there just to find guy friends and hers says the same thing. However that not being the point I'm trying to figure out what i can say to her a or b. Not that I need to talk to him. That's sort of a given but it's not going to happen first.
tibbleinparadise
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 05:32 am
@f4ntasy774,
I surrender.

Talk to his side girls, current, and as you find new ones. Be polite and kindly explain that your boyfriend is a great guy, but he can't keep himself off dating sites, or away from other women. Since this seems to just be something he does, you'll just have to stay on top of it.

Eventually one or both of you will get tired of it and either settle or leave.
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 08:22 am
@f4ntasy774,
No common law marriage, but California does recognize palimony.
http://www.cadivorce.com/news/common-law-marriage-myths/

Why is he telling you he can see you two married? Because it keeps you hanging on and it keeps you from fighting with him, kicking him out, and telling him where he can go. It's easier to just tell you that.
f4ntasy774
 
  0  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 09:46 am
@tibbleinparadise,
Thanks for your advise. I already know that every woman in the world would leave this guy.

It's called addressing the problem this is how I have to address it with him, the question was never what should I do it's what should I SAY!
0 Replies
 
f4ntasy774
 
  0  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 09:47 am
@jespah,
That's kind of a given we have a child together so Palimony would = child support.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Fri 21 Jul, 2017 10:17 am
@f4ntasy774,
Palimony and Child Support are not the same. He'd be on for both.

It's to his financial advantage to stay with you and have his POF girlfriend/s.
 

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