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Fri 7 Jul, 2017 11:51 am
I am sharing this because I need someone to tell me if I'm crazy. I need to name this "thing." I need this to be labeled, so I can decide what I should do, how I should work through it, if I need to at all.
The first thing I need to put out there, and I need to underatand:
When I was 19, I was friends with these two guys, I worked with both of them (I know that in itself was dumb, but 9 years ago, I didn't think about that) and I told them we could hang out and drink, but I said hey, if I come over tonight, I do not want anything to happen. No sex, no messing around, just drinking and hanging out. They agreed that I didn't have to worry about that, they would respect that. I always viewed this as oops! Guess I got too drunk! That sucks! If I wouldn't have been drunk this wouldn't have happened! But now there's this whole culture that is okay with talking about rape...assault...consent...and it's amazing and liberating as a woman to see that these things are being considered and talked about, but it's terrifying to look at my life and think okay, what really happened? I need someone to tell me what happened.
I got completely wasted, and I remember one of the guys moving my head towards his dick, the next thing I know we were having sex. This guy was 25. And then his friend joined in, he was my age, 19. They were taking turns on me, Both having sex with me, and I remember one guy moving my arms because I was so out of it and just laying there and he said something about how I should atleast show that I liked it. I don't know what I said, but I didn't say no, until I freaked out and started crying, which I vaguely remember. I don't know what I said, because I don't remember that night. If I was sober, it would not have happened. I remember making them stop, crying, sitting in the other room, freaking out, and then waking up wanting to erase what had happened, but I couldn't. I told myself that it was okay because in my 19 year old mind, in some way I owed it to these guys because they wanted it, and I didn't stop it, and I got drunk. So basically, I said no when I was sober, I told them I didn't want anything to happen. Who knows what I did or didn't say when I was drunk, I don't remember but bits and pieces. I blame myself because I drank. I chose to drink. I put myself in that situation.
Since I worked with these guys, I went to work the next day, and everyone knew. They all knew that these two guys ran a train on me, and we had a "threesome," or whatever, and how could it be wrong if everyone knew it had happened. No one but the three of us (and my best friend at the time) knew that I had previously told them I didn't want anything to happen. When I was sober I had said hey, no matter what, I do not want to have sex tonight. But no one thought it was wrong, maybe because no one knew that part, or maybe because it wasn't actually wrong.. And I DEFINITELY couldn't erase it because everyone knew.
The one friend who knew I was going over there that night, I had told him previously that I was going over there to drink with them, and that it was safe because I told them I didn't want anything to happen, and they would respect that. My friend told me it was rape because I had previously said no.
I didn't talk about it for 8 years, and then I told my friend a week ago what happened and he also said it was rape.
In my mind, I let it happen. I got drunk. Maybe I said yes and I don't remember, but I didn't forcefully say no. Also they didn't force me to continue once I freaked out and went to the other room crying. I never would do that sober. I didn't even think I would do that drunk.
I can't explain why, but I need someone to tell me unbiasly, was that wrong. Was it rape. What was it, because it feels bad now, but maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I made that happen. Maybe I'm making it into a bad "thing" when really it was just a drunken mistake and then you move on.
So now, I sit here going over and over in my mind asking myself what happened, what was that. Was it rape? Was it a drunken mistake?
Was it me just making allowances? Because it feels like rape. But it feels like a mistake I could've avoided too.
The second thing I need someone to explain to me.
The precursor to that, and the other situation, was a bad relationship, where the guy constantly told me that I did owe it to him. He was 26, I was 18. The thing with the two guys happened when we broke up when I was 19, and then got back together months later. He told me that because I was his girlfriend I had to have sex with him. That I needed to just "let it happen," and then he kept bringing it up and even when I said no, he would gently (the gentle part makes it better, right? *sarcasm*) push my legs open when we were laying on the bed, and even if I would say hey not right now, he would just keep trying until I just didn't say no, but I didn't say yes, and I did just "let it happen." This happened for two years. I would just zone out, I would just give him what he wanted because he would keep asking anyways. So then what was that. Was it abuse? Was it rape? Was it manipulation? Was it okay? Was it me not standing up for myself and just allowing these things to happen?
I refuse to talk about any of this, because I don't know what it was. I don't want to say it was rape and be a liar. I could be crazy. And I don't want to be a girl that cries wolf and discredits women who experienced real rape- forced rape. Who really said "no" and no one listened to them.
But I need to label these things, so I can work through them, and move on. So I can close the chapter, I guess, know what it was and if I can stop blaming myself, or forgive myself, or whatever.
I don't care so much if someone answers about the relationship... but the situation with the two guys. I need an answer to that. So if you choose to answer on one situation or the other, please give feedback on that one- the drunken thing with those two guys. I need input, I need someone to give that a name give it a label, or just tell me I'm crazy and I was a dumb drunk girl.
I am a man. In my opinion you were raped. Those guys are criminals. I think maybe you need to talk to a flesh and blood person about this.
@Lunabear,
Sounds a lot like rape to me. You might want to talk to a counselor about this.
@Lunabear,
This can apply to any situation in life, including what has happened here...
If something happens to you that leaves you with conflicted feelings, it's something you need to address. Things, events, whatever, don't need a label for you to seek help in working though them.
This rape (it is what it is) is something that will be a constant source of conflict and unrest until you "deal with it". Find a professional, a counselor or therapist, and sort through it. It'll be painful to get started because you're going to have to feel things you've kept locked up. You WILL come out of it on the other side with some sense of peace.
Good luck on your journey.
@Lunabear,
Sure that meets the definition of sexual assault according to all the experts I am sure, real people may or may not say so, but here is the thing......you now know that they cant be trusted.....right?
I say that you have a obligation to yourself to make sure this does not happen again, which means no drinking with these two, especially if you dont have a buddy.
You must remember if they were as drunk as you were.
I say this because having that you can't remember if later you say "yes" for having sex", they as well might or might not remember what you said when the three of you were drunk, of what you said before.
The point is that your lack of memory is the reason why you must not proceed to a rape charge (yet), because your memory gives you sporadic moments of the event and in no one of them you said "no", but only before, when the three of you weren't drunk yet.
If you can't remember that you offered resistance to the sex encounter with them, your intentions of charging them with rape might not be accepted.
Check first what they have said about that moment. Find witness of their testimonies.
I say this, because from your part you have almost zero evidence.
On the other hand, if you find witness, this is to say, people who heard them saying that they raped you when you were drunk, then you have a solid case.
If the witness of their version said that they told them that you agreed with having sex with them, then you -in reality- changed your mind when you went drunk and you just don't remember about it, but they surely do.
As you can see, it is a priority to consult with the rest of people who heard from them what happened that day.
@cameronleon,
I don't want to charge them. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's lives. If there were no substances involved that may be a different story, as it is far more black and white than this situation. I probably still would never press charges on anyone. But anyways- They were not as drunk as I was. I know that for a fact. They were on coke, and drank some, but were not wasted by any means. I'm more making a case with myself in order to process what what happened and identify if it was wrong, what parts I can own, and what parts I need to let go of because it was not on me, etc., and what I can label that as so I can figure out how to accept it and work through it.
@Lunabear,
Well they surely was not gentlemen but I am not sure that they was rapists.
If you had gotten into your car and drove drunk you and only you would had been responsible for any bad outcomes of that drunk driving.
You have drunken sex where all the parties was willingly under the influence to one degree or another so the question come in where was your responsibility in this matter.
I would hate to be part of a jury on such a case.
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