Reply
Sun 14 Nov, 2004 08:08 pm
Target Occupation:
Salesperson
Qualifications Summary:
People oriented person, who can communicate in four languages. Makes favourable impression, follows through on tasks and is empathetic towards others. Can be taught new necessary skills easily. Has proven to be helpful, patient and cooperative with all.
Experience Highlights:
Sales
Has accumulated a great deal of experience delivering presentations. Audience included: co-workers, prospective clients and section leaders.
Presented items to prospective buyers with excellent results.
Organization/ Coordination:
Coordinated and communicated between different departments in the past.
Handled multiple drafting projects simultaneously, meeting deadlines on all. Can therefore be responsible for several duties around the store.
Teamwork:
Worked as part of a team on nearly all projects in past occupations. In turn has built excellent team skills.
Dependability:
Completed projects by assigned deadline.
Excellent attendance, with very few sick days.
Professional Development:
Completed High School
Completed Architectural/Technical School
Community Involvement:
Assisted teachers in elementary school, particularly assisting kids in reading. As well as participating on field trips while supervising students.
Too much passive voice used. Specific accomplishments missing.
Now, I deliberately replied in what they call telegraphic style, because I think you are overusing it. I was tempted to put that into the passive voice, like "the telegraphic style has been over used."
Actually, you present excellent qualifications, and the style may work for as many as not. Check back later. I will try to bring your request to someone who has reviewed any number of submissions.
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