Need some good advice about my sexuality and career

Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 02:25 pm
So here I am, on a forum like so many I have read. I really need some help. So over the course of my life I have had attractions to men and (as I thought) women. I had repressed the gay thoughts for years, entered college. I had my first sexual experience with a girl that I had become best friends with and was attracted to (at least until I started questioning my sexuality where all of my thoughts and attractions were called into question) I then lost my virginity to some stranger I did not know. She was nice but a one night stand. Over the course of the next 3.5 years I had more hetero sexual experiences, most very enjoyable but none that I wanted past the sex. The only heterosexual experience that I really felt a connection to was that first girl. So anyway.

Right before I lost my virginity, my brother (2 years younger) came out to me as gay. This was tough because it forced me to look at myself and ask the same question. That soon got pushed out of my mind because I started having sex with women and I would think, "well I enjoyed that so I must not be gay"

Recently while having sex with my most recent girl I had some performance issues and could not maintain an erection for as long as I wanted to please her. This brought back my worries about being gay and stirred up what I like to call the "thought cyclone" that doesn't end and prevents anyone who is a little obsessive from sleeping. Over the past week and a half I have slept maybe 35 hours, and I have been getting a ton of anxiety and here is why.

I believe I have somewhat settled the question and that I am "mostly gay" or homoflexible? I guess that is the term. I have struggled to accept this in myself. It gets more tricky. I go to a military academy and I am 3 months away from graduating and becoming an officer. All of my friends think I am very straight and they do not know what I am going through. This is an impossible atmosphere for me to figure out myself because I am constantly surrounded by my friends, and this hyper-masculine environment, who don't know the real me, and most days I cannot leave.

I fall asleep for maybe an hour. wake up and toss and turn for the rest of the night usually and it is taking a toll on me and my schoolwork and my social life.

I have had intense urges to just come out to everyone whether that be a public announcement at our lunch or via facebook or something. I also feel like I may not be ready to do that.

TO make matters even more complicated, the girl I had performance issues with was with me a few days ago when I was looking at some sexuality forums on my phone. I thought she may have seen, but I put it out of my mind. Just today I got a random text from her and it was a picture of a flamboyant man with a couple baguettes and the caption was "your a faguette". So I believe she knows I am not straight. This has caused so much turmoil in my life and I am extremely afraid of what will happen if I come out (it could seriously affect my future job), but also living in the closet is causing me just as much angst.

I could really use some help and advice on this because I am struggling hard core to keep my head above water. Thanks

Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 04:21 pm

First off, your school is incredibly tough and so kudos to you. I have no doubt it is a ton of pressure no matter what.

Note: I am not a doctor. I'm not even a Boston Terrier in a pink bunny suit.

Second, performance issues do not = being gay or really any specific sexuality.

Next, that gal does not sound too terribly nice, so no wonder you were not having the easiest time with her. This is not to say that things will be easier with every other woman on the planet, but it might just be her. Plus you said you weren't connecting, which can also give one anxieties. Maybe that's the issue, that you're with women who you don't connect with. There are plenty of folks who are like this (and there is nothing wrong with it); it's generally looked at as a subset of asexuality. As in, folks who only get their boat floated (er, you know what I mean) by a specific person. And in your case, when it comes to you, you might really have a specific person, but she ain't it.

On the other hand, maybe you are gay or bi, and both are perfectly fine things to be. All of this is utterly valid, but understand that you might not be completely settled at this stage of your life. And that is cool. If you want to come out to your friends and family, then do so. And if you don't want to, or you're unsure, that's good, too. Personally, I think everyone should come out with their sexuality, no matter what it is and take the onus off folks of one stripe or another.

Hence I will now come out as hetero, a fact which I presume makes my husband (I am a dudette) happy. Smile

But I digress.

No matter what the real deal is for you, not sleeping is horrible and it is a big threat to your health. The US armed forces, and the armed services of many nations, offers comprehensive counseling for pretty much anyone who needs it. It's confidential of course, because you have a physician-patient privilege as well as a therapist-patient privilege.

So, my suggestion is, talk to the base doctor. Even if you don't want to talk about wedding tackle and where you would like to place yours, I suggest you talk about your insomnia as a starting point, and your stress. Because that sucks and it's bad for your health and of course you also want to pass and graduate.

Finally, no matter what you decide, and what you feel you are, that is the right decision. What you are is what is right, C.
Reply Wed 8 Feb, 2017 09:49 pm
First things first.

You dont need to make any decisions right now but you do need to get thru school and get some sleep. Try some melatonin or advil pm to help you.

Stay away from that girl. Dont get into a discussion with her about your sexuality or her shaming you. Shes a creep and very cruel.

Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2017 02:49 pm
Thank you so much for your response. I have talked to the doctor here and am trying to work through my anxiety. I have been able to talk to a couple friends here about my struggle and that has helped a little. I really appreciate the advice!
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Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2017 02:52 pm
I have been taking some low dosage sleep aid, and that helps on some occasions. When my anxiety is really bad though it doesn't do anything. And I have taken your advice and stopped associating with that girl. I hope it was just a horrible coincidence and that it was not an intentional slander. Thank you again for your response.

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