too worried?

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I have 4 boys ages 3, 8, 14, 16. When I was young I ran all over the neighborhood and had lots of fun. unfortunately one neighbor was a molester and sexually abused me. Now with my own kids I constantly worry that someone will hurt them. I tell my 8 yr old every morning when I drop him off at school not to talk to strangers and as i am driving away I envision him getting in someones car and being abused or tortured. Same goes with my older boys, I have always told them before they leave the house never to talk to strangers and never to go into anyones house. they look at me like I am nuts.

All I can do to scare them I do. I told my older boys there are men out there that will torture and abuse them and then kill them if they are not careful. It seems that every time they are out of my sight I worry. With the jeffrey Dahlmers of the world and all the kids coming up missing am I wrong to stress this point to them to the extent I do?

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sigh....I can honestly say" I don't know.

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All you can do is warn them and pray. It's hard, having experienced what you have, not to go overboard but you don't want to raise social misfits, afraid of each new person that enters their lives.
Do they know of your experience?

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My god, your kids are going to be so scared they won't even leave the house. You're going to give them all complexes. Relax! You cannot be everywhere with them.

I can understand you being concerned, you're a mother and that's what mothers do, but you can't scare your kids into understanding what you're talking about. You'll make them so that they can never trust anyone. I think you have some issues you still need to work out from your childhood.

Kids need to be protected but not smothered. At 13 and 16 they know better than to go with someone if you've explained it to them, and by your post you've definitly expressed yourself in that department. They need to know that some people are not good and that they need to be aware of their surroundings. That is what my parents taught me and I turned out ok. Just be aware of your surroundings.

If you feel you need to perhaps have them take a self-defense class. You can't be with them all the time. You need to let go just a little with the older ones.

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You have my sympathy.

Remember, your kids' safety depends on whether they can trust your word or not.

If they find out that you tell them some things that aren't so, they may well assume that everything you tell them isn't so.

Have you told the 14 and 16 year old--and possibly the 8 year old--that you speak from personal experience?

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I have told my older ones I know from experience, the younger one's might be a bit too young. I am just so afraid that something will happen to them I can not stop myself from telling them over and over not to go with anyone.

My eight yr old every morning tells me "I know mom" because I tell him every day. He worries me the most because if someone told him something that interested him he might just go with them.

My older boys go run around the town with their friends but i still worry if they don't check in. They also know that they have to be in by dark:) They do not like that but unless they are with a group of kids I know they are not allowed to be out after dark.

When I was their age I ran all over the place with my friends but I just can not let them do that for fear of them getting hurt.

I think I am scaring the hell out of my 8 yr old because he is scared of everything, he will not go into our basement, my bathroom, or our attic, he says he is too scared...

what can i do to stop this??

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Oh-oh. Your fears are affecting your boys? And you can't seem to control them? You really should talk to a rape counselor, for yourself as well as your children. My guess is, your situation is not all that uncommon.
All the best to you.

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eoe wrote:

Oh-oh. Your fears are affecting your boys? And you can't seem to control them? You really should talk to a rape counselor, for yourself as well as your children. My guess is, your situation is not all that uncommon.
All the best to you.

I have been this way with my two older boys and they were never afraid of anything, I don't know if it is me or just normal for my 8 yr old to have fears. It was so long ago, do you think counseling would help? I don't have any problems as far as what happened it is just that I don't want it to happen to my kids..

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I think counseling will bring up a lot of feelings you haven't dealt with in a long time but you need to get to the root of your problem, and sorting out your feelings, perhaps just being heard, will help.

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Giving your local Rape Crisis Center a call is a good idea.

As for your eight year old--some kids are more imaginative than others. Imagination is a blessing and a curse.

Quote:

I think I am scaring the hell out of my 8 yr old because he is scared of everything, he will not go into our basement, my bathroom, or our attic, he says he is too scared...

Practical steps:

Give him the biggest flashlight you can find. (Tell him you will replace the batteries ONCE and ONCE only--if he leaves the light on and needs further batteries, they come out of his allowance. This isn't Fear Buster stuff--this is Veteran Mother on the subject of flashlights)

Start some mild deconditioning. Which is the most inconvenient feared place, the basement, the attic, or your bathroom?

Go with him--and the flashlight--and take one step inside the frightening area. Count to three and retreat.

Tomorrow, two steps.....

The next day, three....

Eventually, it is just your son and the flashlight....

Good luck. And call rape crisis. Bad enough your slimy neighbor damaged you--don't let your memories of him damage your kids.

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I've read that a better strategy for training kids is to help them learn SAFE people to look for when they sense trouble, or their lost, or whatever.

Teaching them to be active in finding help, (for example, in my city, all of the bus drivers are trained help children who seem lost or in trouble so I always point them out to Mo) and teaching them that it is okay to say "No!" (even to "authority" figures) will go further, I think, in preparing children than frightening them.

I think it is important to note that the person who molested you (the $#%& (*%^% bastard) was a neighbor - not a stranger. Sometimes it is people that they know that are the real danger to kids.

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Very much agreed with Noddy.

I do understand how hard it is though, I escaped my girlhood unmolested (mostly) and I worry about this a ton myself. One thing that I keep reminding myself of -- a strange thing to take comfort from I know, but it has an effect -- is that a large percentage (most?) sexual abuse is committed by people the child trusts.

I try to just instill my daughter with more general concepts: her body is hers and she has a say over who touches it and how; she has a right not to do anything that makes her uncomfortable; and general confidence things, harder to describe. (I just told a story about her interrupting her class full of 17 kids and 3 teachers to "correct" the way the teacher was making the number "3" with her fingers.)

Anyway, it's tough, and good luck.

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Oh I had missed boomer's post. Yes, exactly.

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boomerang wrote:

I've read that a better strategy for training kids is to help them learn SAFE people to look for when they sense trouble, or their lost, or whatever.

Teaching them to be active in finding help, (for example, in my city, all of the bus drivers are trained help children who seem lost or in trouble so I always point them out to Mo) and teaching them that it is okay to say "No!" (even to "authority" figures) will go further, I think, in preparing children than frightening them.

I think it is important to note that the person who molested you (the $#%& (*%^% bastard) was a neighbor - not a stranger. Sometimes it is people that they know that are the real danger to kids.

It is a horrible thing that we can not trust our own family or neighbors. I worry day to day and I am VERY leary of where my kids go. I will not let my 8 yr old go over to his friends house for fear of something happening to him. We live in a small town and neighbors are not close. I just do not want to take the chance of something happening. I can not know who to trust and not to trust. His friends come to our house and are there for hours with no one coming to check on them. One boy who comes over, (I have never met his mother) stays all day. no one calls to check on him or stops to see if he is ok. I do not think that I could EVER let my child go to someones house without always checking on him.

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I can understand how you feel, but you need to get a handle on your own fears. It's not fair to smother your children because of something that happened to you years ago.

I have a 10 year old boy. When his friends come to play, their parents never check on them while they're at my house. There is no need...I am supervising them. And I never check on my son when he's with his friends. He knows how to call me if he needs to. If his friends' mothers started calling my house and dropping by while they were playing, I'd think they didn't trust me, I'd consider them paranoid and rethink whether I really want my son playing with their kids at all.

We all take risks just getting out of bed in the morning. But it is your job as a parent to make your children feel secure, not fearful. I'm afraid you're imposing your own fears on your children. And that's not fair.

I think you should talk to a counselor about this. It doesn't matter how old the issues are if they're still affecting you.

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I agree with Eva. There is a very small chance of something happening to your son -- I understand that the chance seems larger because it did indeed happen to you. But while there is a small chance of something happening to him, being raised to be so fearful has a much larger chance of having a negative impact.

To give an example even within the context of your fears, it has been shown that predators are less likely to go for the person who is striding along purposefully, looking straight ahead, shoulders squared and confident, than the person who is looking around fearfully and showing insecurity in his/ her stance.

I completely understand how your experience would shape your behavior in this way; just, I agree with Eva that counseling could help you get a handle on it.

Good luck!

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I agree with what the others are saying.

But I wouldn't let Mo head off to just anybodys house - I definately want to know the people, the parents, the siblings, and whether they keep guns, and whether they have mean dogs, and whether they have drug and drink problems.

Once I know these things I'm pretty comfortable with Mo visiting their homes.

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Thank you all for such good advice. It is very hard for me to let go of my fears. I suppose some sort of counseling might help with that, but I am not sure. I am just always so fearful of someone taking one of my kids or doing bad things to them. As a mother I feel if they are hurt and i am not there I have failed them.

I have ugly thoughts and I don't want anyone hurting my child. I can not get these horrible pictures out of my head that when I am not with them they are not safe. As long as they are with me I would do everything in my power to keep them safe.

I am such a nut case... Thank you all again. I know you are right and it is not fair to them that I smother them, I just want to keep them safe.

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Yes, but in keeping them safe, you teach them how to swim and
not stand by and hold their hands, so they won't drown.
You need to trust them in order for them to trust you.

I have only one child, and my 9 year old is as precious to me
as your sons are to you, however, I will make sure that she can
handle herself should she ever get into trouble. She has gone
to Karate and she knows how do defend herself and knows how to
act if she's approached by strangers.

My own mother was a bit like you and she instilled all her fears
into me and it took me years to get passed her fears and my
own aquired ones. I make damned sure, my daughter doesn't
ever have to go through fears that I created for her.

I'm sorry to say that, but you're in desperate need of professional
help.

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too worried?

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