it's just a difficult thing for me to do. I've spent my whole life being mostly silent and bottling my emotions, not even my parents ever sat me down to talk about how I felt, about anything.
I know exactly what you're writing about here.
For me, I wish therapy was writing not talking. I get overly nervous on many therapy days (not even overly thinking about going into the day's session) but weary and anxious that I'm frustrating and maybe even wasting my therapist's time because a lot of awkward silence is happening in many sessions because I still can't verbalize much of my feelings and thoughts and concerns and issues.
I often blame it on being overwhelmed by my tinnitus.
I often force myself to say inane things like listing what I did the prior week socially in order to say ANYTHING and to avoid the awkward silences of my own making.
I hide my feelings on instinct. That's why I vent online.
That's why I personally taken to the internet like a school of fish in a safe coral reef. The internet is both my savior and my social and emotional crutch/drug of choice.
Sometimes you have to force yourself to spit out these feelings and hope that one day it will come as second nature.