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Sun 4 Dec, 2016 05:09 am
I feel like my life is on pause. Like nothing will ever get better or worse, no matter what I try. I'm in the military so I'm limited in what I can do and where I can go, and it's been the biggest thing stunting me really. I have tried to change myself and my mindset, but it doesn't seem to help or do anything for me. I'm a boiling cesspool of emotion and sexual desire, and I live in a situation where that has to be pent up and suppressed. I spend most of my free time drinking beer and watching TV, which is not really the best thing I can do with my time... I know I want to do more with myself, but I feel like there isn't a point. The only time my filter comes down is when I'm black-out drunk, but then, I feel like there's no point in having experiences I don't even remember, either. I hardly ever talk to my family, too. I barely remember their faces or voices anymore. Every once in a while I'll text my mom, that's about it. I feel like a romantic relationship would put some fire in my heart, but, I don't really see a point in it either. I've always been shy, but I give myself a little credit at being attractive. It's just that, if I really could find a girl/guy to share my passion with, I fear my job would just tear that away. Any relationship or potential relationship I've had in the past-while being great experiences-have all ended because of the military. I've taken up hobbies, tried exersising-which did make me feel good- but eventually I got bored because I'm stuck in an environment that is just incredibly gray. I have friends among my coworkers, and it's fun hanging out with them, but I feel like we genuinely don't really give a darn about each other. The ones I do feel like I actually kind of care about are the ones I'm attracted to. But since they have girlfriends and they're not Panromantic hedonists like myself, I just stopped caring about that too. I don't feel too unhappy with myself, not too happy, just kind of stuck in a place of boredom and confusion with my life. I am capable of caring for myself, I don't hate myself, I'm just bored of myself, I guess.
What should I do? Is there another way to change that I haven't thought of? Or should I just endure this until I get out of the military, when I'll be free to pursue my pleasures? That'll be a few years..
@Skeleton ,
I would seriously advise seeking counseling on base.
Getting black out drunk at all is a big-time red flag, and it sounds here like you do it more than once in a blue moon.
@jespah,
I don't know how I'd go about it. I've never spoken to a counselor or therapist for anything before, I don't even talk about my feelings with close friends. I've learned that telling my feelings to people close to me just gets me judged and mocked, excessively.
@Skeleton ,
When I was in the military I felt somewhat the same, like whatever I started I wouldn't be able to finish because of how often I was moved from place to place. Not that I was actually moved, but the possibility was always there. The one thing you can do that won't depend on your location is education. Take some classes in something you're interested in. Or just go to the library and educate yourself. As far as relationships go, be careful. You already seem to know the pitfalls, so just bide your time until you're a civilian again. Good luck.
@TomTomBinks,
I did take interest in learning a new language. I seemed to lose my motivation, but I can pick up on it again. I could try to learn more about my job, but it's painstakingly boring and dry. Most people are excited to live in a giant hunk of metal on the water, I just take it as normal and live as if I've been doing it before it was cool. I'm 21 and I feel 50, lol. I've been stuck in a mindset that anything that takes time and effort is a pain in the ass and probably isn't worth bothering with.
@Skeleton ,
Then make an appointment to go skydiving next time your in port.
@TomTomBinks,
I'm not suicidal, lol. Just kidding. Sounds fun but idk if they have that here
@Skeleton ,
It's a blast! You'll never forget it. (If you survive)
@Skeleton ,
It's easy.
Base has a psychiatrist. They all do these days. And you won't be mocked; this is the therapist's job! And they can't tell anyone what you discussed. You have therapist-patient privilege. This isn't like talking to a friend.
You go and you talk - and you mention about getting black-out drunk. Because that can kill you. Doesn't matter how many times you've been lucky with drinking. Blacking out is a massive red flag and it absolutely can end your life.
@jespah,
I've already put forth some effort to control my alcoholism. I haven't drank enough to black out for at least a month. I stick to a few light beers a night now, or span it out through the day on weekends. I don't really need a psychiatrist to tell me drinking is bad. It just gives me a temporary good feeling, I guess..
@Skeleton ,
You sound like you might be depressed and using alcohol to self-medicate.
There is a reason most military services provide counselling services. Use them.
@Skeleton ,
Skeleton wrote:
I feel like my life is on pause. Like nothing will ever get better or worse, no matter what I try. I'm in the military so I'm limited in what I can do and where I can go, and it's been the biggest thing stunting me really. I have tried to change myself and my mindset, but it doesn't seem to help or do anything for me. I'm a boiling cesspool of emotion and sexual desire, and I live in a situation where that has to be pent up and suppressed. I spend most of my free time drinking beer and watching TV, which is not really the best thing I can do with my time... I know I want to do more with myself, but I feel like there isn't a point. The only time my filter comes down is when I'm black-out drunk, but then, I feel like there's no point in having experiences I don't even remember, either. I hardly ever talk to my family, too. I barely remember their faces or voices anymore. Every once in a while I'll text my mom, that's about it. I feel like a romantic relationship would put some fire in my heart, but, I don't really see a point in it either. I've always been shy, but I give myself a little credit at being attractive. It's just that, if I really could find a girl/guy to share my passion with, I fear my job would just tear that away. Any relationship or potential relationship I've had in the past-while being great experiences-have all ended because of the military. I've taken up hobbies, tried exersising-which did make me feel good- but eventually I got bored because I'm stuck in an environment that is just incredibly gray. I have friends among my coworkers, and it's fun hanging out with them, but I feel like we genuinely don't really give a darn about each other. The ones I do feel like I actually kind of care about are the ones I'm attracted to. But since they have girlfriends and they're not Panromantic hedonists like myself, I just stopped caring about that too. I don't feel too unhappy with myself, not too happy, just kind of stuck in a place of boredom and confusion with my life. I am capable of caring for myself, I don't hate myself, I'm just bored of myself, I guess.
What should I do? Is there another way to change that I haven't thought of? Or should I just endure this until I get out of the military, when I'll be free to pursue my pleasures? That'll be a few years..
Transference. This is a great opportunity to do some self analysis. Why are you desiring what you are seeking? Do deep insight into what's motivating you to drink or watch TV. What motivates you to want deep friendships. This is a perfect time to do this because you don't have the opportunity to chase them. The solution arises from deep understanding as to why these things you feel you need or want are present. That's my only suggestion.
@Krumple,
I drink and watch TV because it's an easy and mindless way to keep myself occupied. I desire companionship because I'm tired of being alone. I'm perfectly capable of managing and taking care of myself alone, it's just being alone is awfully boring and unfulfilling.
@ehBeth,
Ding ding ding
Alcoholism and depression are pretty damned serious illness - and depression may very well be telling you that everything is fine if you just coast and don't make any efforts to help yourself. That's because depression is a liar and a killer and it will basically make you not want to help yourself at all.
Look, you're a grownup and you can make your own decisions. But switching to a few light beers isn't really 'controlling' alcoholism. And this malaise may very well be undiagnosed depression. But we aren't doctors, whereas the doctor on your base is.
Best of luck to you - depressed soldiers still have access to weapons and that's never good.
You seem very bright and very bored with everything.
You seem to want someone else to do something to make you feel better.
What have YOU done to get out of this mind-set?
Even talking to a counselor would help identify what's going on.
@PUNKEY,
I'm just asking for advice. My own attempts just wind up being a temporary fix and I end up in the same place.
@Skeleton ,
Talk to a counsellor on base.
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