Full time working wife, came to blows with husband as he's lonely.

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I've been with my husband 6 years and we got married 4 months ago.I work full time and my job is quite demanding as my hours can be 10-10 for example.
He is currently leaving his current job and starting anew career, however he has a 3 month in between stage where he isn't working or really doing anything.
We came to blows last night, as he went out for drinks and didn't tell me and come back with a horrible attitude and said some horrible nasty things to me. So i called him a taxi to stay at his parents house as i didn't want it to carry on.
However this morning i've spoke to him...
He has said that we don't have a marriage. He is always alone and lonely with nothing to do (i've said i can't help that, is only work 38 hours a week)
He said he's had enough all of his family have spoke to him saying they are worried about him due to him being lonely and they don't see me as much anymore.
I genuinely don't know what to do?
I feel as though he wants me to quit my job or something?

I honestly didn't know he felt like this. I have been fine, my life is hectic, -as when i'm off work i want to see my family. But people work worse hours than me, and i don't know what to do????

We don't have any children, and i'm 24 and he's 26.

Please can someone help me?

We are supposed to be meeting up tomorrow (as he's at his parents still)to discuss, so would love feedback before then if possible please.

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@wife6816,

I always find arguments over working hours to be kind of ridiculous, TBH. After all, you're not out gallivanting around; you're trying to build a better future.

I'm not really so sure what you are supposed to do here. He's a big boy and can - surprise! - make his own friends. So long as he's not off doing anything illegal or cheating on you, then he has a ton of other options in the universe. He can take a class, volunteer, do work around the house, hang around a coffee shop and make friends, or play World of Warcraft, for gosh sakes.

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@jespah,

He sounds like a big baby - I don't mean to be mean about it, but it seems so childish to me. Has he no hobbies or interests? Does he exercise at all? Does he ever read books? He could take a drawing class, look at some travelogues on the internet and thus learn about the world. Start talking long walks and looking around..

My point is that he may lack curiosity if he can't find plenty of ways to fill his time.

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@wife6816,

Thank you for replying!

I began to feel like i am in the wrong and that i shouldn't be working so much or arranging to see my family and friends on my days off.

Last weekend he went out at 5ish and come in at 6:30am and woke me up. I questioned where he had been and he said 'i don't want to talk about it' and then the next day he told me he was with his friend and couldn't get a taxi...
I don't ever believe he would cheat on me, but there are so many questions i have unanswered...

After speaking to him earlier,
I'm not sure how we can go forward...

Last year he admitted he had a gambling problem and went to counselling as the extend was so bad.

So i believe if i don't help him, he could go back down that route.

Couple of my friends called me a mug!
Which i don't want! And i don't want to be walked all over however i feel as though i'm in the wrong and should be apologising???

Thank you for your replies. It feels so nice to get it all out and not be judged by people we know.

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@wife6816,

Apologise for what?

PS He's already hit you and has a gambling problem, he's nasty to boot. Why are you letting any of this happen?

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@wife6816,

this bit concerned me

wife6816 wrote:

-as when i'm off work i want to see my family.

you are a newly married couple. Is there a reason you are choosing to spend time with your family rather than your husband when you do have free time?

__

Why did you get married?

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@wife6816,

wife6816 wrote:

Thank you for replying!

I began to feel like i am in the wrong and that i shouldn't be working so much or arranging to see my family and friends on my days off.

Last weekend he went out at 5ish and come in at 6:30am and woke me up. I questioned where he had been and he said 'i don't want to talk about it' and then the next day he told me he was with his friend and couldn't get a taxi...
I don't ever believe he would cheat on me, but there are so many questions i have unanswered...

After speaking to him earlier,
I'm not sure how we can go forward...

Last year he admitted he had a gambling problem and went to counselling as the extend was so bad.

So i believe if i don't help him, he could go back down that route.

Couple of my friends called me a mug!
Which i don't want! And i don't want to be walked all over however i feel as though i'm in the wrong and should be apologising???

Thank you for your replies. It feels so nice to get it all out and not be judged by people we know.

I wasn't going to reply since several of the posts here are right. But then I had a thought. Although I agree he is behaving a little childish the problems in a marriage are always double sided.

I don't think you are wrong at all in working however perhaps both of you have become TOO familiar with each other. No surprises, no risk, no excitement. You said he had a gambling habit, which is based on the thrill of the chase.

I don't think he's lonely but instead has no thrill in his life to stimulate him. I know it's not your responsibility to be that for him but it's something to keep in mind.

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@Krumple,

In regards to 'hitting me' that didn't happen? i didn't say that?
I'm guessing you indicated the 'come to blows' as that however... We pushed each other and that kind of thing. No physically hitting directly.

In regards to seeing my family...
I don't see them regularly due to my working hours and theirs as my brother lives away and is in the navy, so it is hard to see them and my niece. So i do try every other week to have my niece for a few hours etc.

I do believe the excitement can go after time...
So i would like to bring it back.

And he has been discharged from his current job. Due to separate ankle and shoulder injuries. So his work colleagues have progressed and moved on etc...
So there is a lot going on for him, but i don't know how to progress from this?

2 Replies

@wife6816,

ehBeth has a good point there (I haven't read your reply yet), though seeing family if you can is also important (not news to ehBeth, she's quite wise), but maybe your time with them leaves him feeling like second fiddle.
I still picture him - not knowing him, I admit - as having a sort of blank slate in his brain.

I've a bias from my teens on, that I have long liked interesting men as friends or lovers or husband. Maybe I'm putting what would be my own boredom on to you, and maybe "engaging mind and personality" is not one of your personal key factors.

I do hope you don't sell yourself short re this being mostly your fault.

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@wife6816,

Ok, it sounded at first that your time with family was more than that. What you described to Krumple re seeing family is normal.

1 Reply

@ossobucotemp,

ossobucotemp wrote:

Ok, it sounded at first that your time with family was more than that. What you described to Krumple re seeing family is normal.

Not to talk about her as if she's no longer relevant to the discussion but I think she is fine. Her husband has some issues he's not dealing with in a mature way blaming her for them.

This is SO common in marriages when both people become too familiar with each other. They get bored and develope outside habits to fulfill their needs.

His drinking to late hours. Claiming the family is being neglected. Losing work over an injury. All signs of poorly handled crisis management.

I don't really even blame him, it's easy to fall into this self defeated feeling when uncontrollable life events happen. He needs help on how to handle these issues instead of blaming her for doing what's normal. How can working be the bad part of this? She's making up for him and not complaining. He's lucky to have her but doesn't see it like that right now.

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@wife6816,

Oh, my apologies, I kind of leapt to a conclusion that blows meant hitting. My bad.

1 Reply

@jespah,

I can't think of anyone that didn't make the same leap.

1 Reply

@roger,

I didn't, but I get making it.
Besides, pushing? who started that?
I admit I take this guy as a lug but may be mildly offbase.

0 Replies

Do you have sex anymore? Maybe take him on a date or give him some cuddle time or have a steamy makeout session. Something that says "You shouldn't feel lonely, I care about you."

I dunno. Take it how you will, or don't. If I was in your situation I would treat him to something special to keep him happy.

Also, I'm not saying he isn't being selfish for complaining about your work hours. You should be able to work and see your family and not get complaints from him.

Do something passionate I guess. Rekindle that fading flame, take him for a wild ride, remind him what he has, I don't know, teepee someone's house together and have sex in a barn or some unusual setting.

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@wife6816,

Just my 2 cents, but pushing will lead to more physical abuse. Drinking and staying out all might will lead to cheating, if it hasn't already. His unwillingness to talk about says that something went on that he does not want you to know about.

My favorite quote: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time!

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Full time working wife, came to blows with husband as he's lonely.

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