Deadbeat Dads

I'm not a parent but I can speak a bit from the legal end of things. These guys have parental rights, particularly if they're paying support and are doing so consistently. If you wish to sever your children's relationships with them, I suggest you do so through the court system - but be aware that you might lose child support by doing this. Certainly you could lose leverage over the Dads. But at least going through the courts assures that a third party is involved - one who is not angry - to help decide on what's in the children's best interests.

Perhaps the kids' relationships with their Dads will improve over the years. Or maybe not. But the kids will probably not like it if the opportunity is removed without them being able to try and do something about it (I'm speaking of the kids as older people, when they reach adulthood, of course).

I'd say that right now the cash - e. g. food on the table, roof over everyone's head - trumps your anger at the fathers.

I worry these relationships will cause damage to their emotional well being as young adults. I know the damage because I was abandoned by my own father at the age of 2. I feel the consequence of that in that I grew up to choose men like my own father. however the consequence could have been worse considering my father like theirs are alcholics and one is invoved with drugs.Had he been around I could have faced far worse circumstances. Of course I try to see to it his visits are supervised. These are not the role models I want in their life. Sure the child support is very much needed, I am in college and the lack of support would result in my having to get a job,but then my kids would not see me and that is not an option for the next 5 years. They would have no parental involvement at all.

Hmm I'm trying to understand here - are the fathers currently under a supervised visitation arrangement? Because if they aren't, you can push for that and, presumably, still retain the support agreement. After all, it's possible (even if it seems unlikely right now), that the fathers (or one of them) will straighten up and fly right in the future - supervised visits means that they would be able to maintain a relationship with the kids but you wouldn't have to worry about them being alone with the children.

Of course your concern is for the children over their fathers but I think that maintaining a tie - even a small one - could be beneficial to everyone in the long run. Also, there's counseling, and the presence of other role models in their young lives. For all of the bad or short or uncaring visits by the Dads, can you counter with better role models. What about Big Brothers? http://www.bbbsa.org/site/pp.asp?c=iuJ3JgO2F&b=14576 They can help to provide positive male role models.

They are not supervised by the court.I or family of the father (particularly the one w/ drug problems) remain with them. I know if supervised by the court their would be no visit at all. If they failed to make court visits, would they face any consequence? My stepfather is the male role model, but he lacks the emotional support they need, as well as I did. I am too nervous to send my kids off with a stranger,I have stayed at home with them for so long because of this fear. Uncles are great role models but they live out of town. Maybe they will staighten up but I have been waiting 6 years for one to and the other, well after getting out of prison, and missing so much, he still is on the same destructive path. So what will the courts do if they see how unreliable they are in their visits? I can get along with these men and have tried to facilitate the contact, meaning I have always been the one to call and set up visits. As soon as I dont, months go by with no word.Sometimes as much as 6-9 months.

I'm the guardian for a (nearly) four year old boy who has inconsistent parents (let's call them IPs) so I know where you're coming from. I stuggle with the same questions.

After a visit from an IP I often deal with extreme behaviors and I've yet to even figure out whether he is mad at me for letting him go or for having to come back.

It would certainly be easier for me if the IPs just quit coming around and I have to try very hard to make sure that I'm not projecting this onto him. I don't think it would be easier on him if they just disappeared. He does love them.

One thing I never ever do is announce a planned visit since, more often than not, the IP will no-show. That saves him some dissappointment. I instead wait until they knock on the door and say "Oh what a nice surprise! Mom/Dad is here to see you."

I'm careful to never say bad things about either of his parents.

Present of not, consistent or not, they will always have an impact on his life and I think that its better to deal with it openly.

Now, I hoping that someone can offer you, and me, some advice on the best way to deal with this type of situation.

I have a son who's father is rarely in contact with him and does NOT pay child support. He lives in CA and I live in Idaho with my son. What do I do in this situation? I call his dad on a weekly basis and have even had him come and visit and stay at my husbands and my home, so he could visit his son.

I guess what I am trying to explain is that no matter what they are the fathers and if your child is like mine he adores his dad and any contact with him is better then none.

should you have to make all the effort? No but if you don't it wont happen and your child will suffer for it. Once the child is old enough to keep in contact on his own he will realize that his dad is not making the effort and on his own determine if he wants to continue to try.

It is our responsibility as a mom (or Dad) to keep a relationship with the other parent until the child is old enough to do so. I do not like my son's father, he is not responsible, is just an ass. but I would NEVER tell that to my child or not keep in contact because of how I feel.

Do your best and hope one day these men will come around and realize what wonderful kids they have and how lucky he is that you kept contact.

I was just reading about the drug habit of one of the fathers, mine too had the same problem and I never let him take my child alone. Under no circumstances should you let your child go with this man if he is under the influence. You are the Mother and you have to put your foot down.

If the father puts up an argument then tell HIM to take you to court for visitation. most likely he will never do it.

But.. you should do all you can to help hims till see his child, meet him at a park and let him visit with your son, or Mcdonalds, or plan a dinner out at a favorite restaurant and include his dad. your son will thank you for it in the long run.