Things you hear at work

me: I need you all to sign this petition for National Onyelle Day in one of our monthly office meetings. There's about 110 of us there.

I circulated the petition - not everyone signed it.

---------------------------



I signed on the dotted line.

With my green roller ball pen.

My boss, complaining about one of our scientists who (he believes) shares too much information with visiting vendors:
"Then there's Dr. NAME, who was vaccinated with a phonograph needle . . ."

Used to work for the NHS in public Health admin. You hear all kinds of wanky crap, especially in the endless meetings they hold about nothing in particular.

I always hated,

"...at a grass-roots level"

and

"...it's a top-down approach"

I work on a committee that is one of those thankless jobs. A big part of it is assigning out the monthly work to our group which is across different locations. One location, my contact is some one that is very difficult to work with - she doesn't like to compromise and find a win-win solution which is my goal. Often times I have to be extremely firm and frequently decline her requests. When this happens she sends out emails explaining the groups situation loaded with crap that basically says nothing with made up projects and committees that no one else knows about.

Here is one (slightly edited to protect the innocent)….

"There is a business need in our location with respect to establishing a FIC infrastructure. This objective cannot be achieved without the dedicated resources of the FIC Team Members. Additionally, at the manager meeting last week, it was discussed that resources would be needed to work on the DR project over the next couple of months, and some of the names that were mentioned were those who work on the FIC funds."

"Business need" is frequently used by this individual although no one in her area is aware of the need; there is no FIC project described (other than in her head) and the DR project includes individual at all sites and it is a limited time resource. I keep these emails as a laugh and usually they are much longer than this and I usually don't even read them because they do not make any sense.

I work for an auto insurance company. Many years ago I was a CSR and a customer was telling me exactly what he would pay in insurance premiums (we have to follow strict rating regulations in charging premium). He complained and complained for a good long time until I finally told him. "this isn't Burger King. You can't have it *your way*. Luckily he had a good sense of humor.

Laughter is not allowed here.

Written In a Note About a Kink In a Small Water Pump hose by a 50 Year old Man At My Job who has Absolutely No authority Over me whatsoever and is NOT my boss:

To sunday/Monday crew,
GOOD JOB!
If your too lame / Or? Lazy To Use This without Messing
It up the dont use it,Okay?


Yeah,I took the note and slid it under my boss's door To show him what an asshole this guy is......but Ive yet to hear any comment on it.....

variation on a theme --

in response to the tiresome question, "how's it going?", this guy J would always say, "same ****, different flies..."

Following a lengthy and sometimes heated discussion with an employee on the topic of cost-of-living and cost-of-labor, which once again looped back around to the employee emphatically restating that we needed to pay according to the "cost-of-living".

My response was, "It sounds like what you're really saying is that you want to find an employer who is willing to pay you according to what you spend."

The employee paused, thought about it for a few seconds, and then slowly walked away, without uttering another word.

russian dude next door says "yeah but" a lot.
A LOT.
he prefaces most sentences with it.
usually comes out as "Yeeeeeeeah-butt".

it's getting old real fast...

I was at a safety team meeting and the mgrs were going on and on about putting emphasis on safety. Like what to do in case of fire or robbery, etc. How to keep working environment safe, like cleaning up spills and how to dispose of toxic wastes.

Well, the meeting room was extremely crowded while they were talking, so when they asked if anyone got questions, I was like, "How is the overcrowded break room safe?" It got everyone laughing.

J__ and T__ were talking just now...



J__ : "hey, T__... whaddaya think?"

T__ : "i don't think, i just work..."

A teller at work (who was remodeling her house at the time) asked the cashier “what does double-hung mean?” He said “I thought you’d never ask,” and pretends to unbutton his pants. Luckily she wasn’t very sensitive to such things and had a good laugh.

"Was that suppose to happen?"

"plan the work, and work the plan..."