Crad Kilodney for President

Although originally published in 2000, the issues still stand

Crad Kilodney For President

What America needs is a President who is a mean son of a bitch, and I'm it. Therefore, I am asking American voters to write in the name "Crad Kilodney" on their ballots in November. Although I have lived in Canada since 1973, I still have my U.S. citizenship, so I'm fully qualified. Furthermore, I am untainted by scandal, if you define it very narrowly.
Basically, my platform is pro-business. Business creates wealth, and Americans deserve to be rich because they are the world's most superior people.

Here's where I stand on important issues:

Foreign Aid

There will be no more foreign aid because it just gets stolen by gangs and corrupt officials anyway. Any country that is still wallowing in poverty after decades of foreign aid obviously needs to be governed better, so these countries will be invited to become American colonies. We take over, fix everything, and have a suitable dumping ground for people I want to get rid of.

Foreign Policy

Anybody who tries to jerk America around gets stomped.

Immigration

Immigration will be based on physical beauty. What's the point of letting in a lot of short, brown, ugly people who look like toads when there are millions of hot Russian and East European babes eager to emigrate to the West?

Human Cloning

Same policy as Immigration. Porn stars will be first in line.

Animal Rights

Animals have no right. Farmers and drug companies have rights. "AR" activists will be rounded up and sent to Guam, where they can make friends with the many interesting varieties of snakes.

Resource Development

Mining, forestry, and energy all rule! People in these industries are the best you'll ever meet, not like those radical environmentalist bastards, who are going to find themselves in the middle of Alaska in February in their underwear. Fast-track permitting for all resource projects -- 30 days max.

The Environment

It looks clean enough to me. Anyway, let local government worry about it.

Global Warming

It's all the Brazilians' fault for cutting down their rain forests. Anyway, there's nothing you can do about it except take your summer vacations in Canada, where it's somewhat cooler and you get about 45% premium on your U.S. dollars, except in certain donut shops that launder money for the Russian Mafia. Canada will benefit at first from global warming because farmers will have a longer growing season, but then the goddamn Indians will figure it's something else they can sue the white man for.

Defense

More defense spending means a stronger America, and only traitors are against that. We don't want to end up like the Canadians, who are flying 30-year-old helicopters that keep crashing.

Civil Rights

Obsolete issue. Forget it.

Taxation

The main change will be that tobacco and booze will no longer be taxed. Hey, have a good time!

Education

Any high school student who cannot pass a basic literacy test will be shot.

Drug Abuse

"Free drug" colonies will be established in remote areas, where addicts can go and live and get all the drugs they want for free. Eventually they'll die, which is the whole idea.

Crime

Have Congress declare war on all criminal organizations, from local street gangs to the Mafia. That way we can use the Armed Forces to wipe them out and not worry about their Constitutional rights.

Labor

I live off the stock market, so I don't know much about labor, except that I don't like unions.

Agriculture

Hemp will be legalized as a cash crop. It's versatile, easy to grow, and profitable. All legal actions against cigarette companies will be dropped to help out tobacco farmers. Americans will be encouraged to eat more of whatever we have too much of ("Put pork on your fork and you'll have a big dork!"). Weird stuff like ostrich farming I don't have a clue about.

Genetically Modified Food

If someone served it to you and didn't tell you what it was, you couldn't tell the difference, so what's the problem?

Homelessness

Liberals will be offered a tax credit to take a homeless person into their own home for one year. Inevitably, one of them will kill the other, which is a win-win situation as far as I'm concerned.

Poverty

Poverty is relative. If you say the poverty line is $10,000 a year for one person, you have so many poor people. If you lower it to $1,000 a year, you have a lot less. Anyway, the fact that they're still alive means they're getting money from somewhere, so forget about it.

Cuba

We almost had a nuclear war because of that bearded ********** who gives 6-hour speeches and blames all his problems on the U.S., so **** Cuba. What have they got that we need? Smoke White Owls -- a good, cheap American cigar.

China

I bought a pair of shoes made in China, and the leather split after two weeks, so **** the Chinese.

The Space Program

McDonald's and Starbucks on the moon before the end of my second term! Go for it!

Third World Debt

Pay up, or send us your best-looking women.

The National Debt

Don't worry about it, it'll go down.

The Trade Deficit

Don't worry about it, it'll go down.

Social Security

Americans will be told to put their retirement money in the stock market and don't worry about it. In the long run we're all dead, but the stock market goes up, too.

Medicare

If our medical schools would simply graduate a lot more doctors, the glut would bring prices down.

Presidential Morality

I intend to hire Monica Lewinsky as my live-in hostess, since I'm unmarried. She's my type, and I haven't had a blow job in six years.