Sibling rivalry and defiance among toddlers.

It sounds pretty normal to me, especially with a new baby coming. Not that it makes it any easier to deal with! But that sounds to me like Steven is unhappy for some reason and is just kinda venting, trying (and succeeding) in getting your attention. Have you talked to him about the new baby coming, what it will mean? He already has a baby brother, but how he'd react as a 1-yr-old is a lot different from how he'd react as a 4-yr-old.

That in fact could explain some of his attitude towards his baby brother, too -- he was too young to really think about it one way or the other when Brendan arrived, then when you got pregnant again he thought about it anew and decided he'd prefer he was the only one getting your attention.

I only have one (3.75 yr old) so these are guesses. But I've spent a lot of time with my daughter's best friend and his little brother, and every parenting board I've participated in seems to have a slew of questions that go something like "my little angel is acting up all of the sudden!" and end with "why yes, I am expecting a new baby, how'd you know...?" (Your username gives it away here though... I hope! Lemme know if not.)

Unfortunately for your sanity, children who are being obnoxious generally need more attention. Steven is a Big Boy at Nursery School--and this is a strain. New experiences are wearing.

Also, while he's being a Big Boy at Nursery School, his little brother is home with you--possibly eating pop tarts and fingerpainting the whole live-long day.

And the baby coming.....

As for the Ask and Weep...try a little humor.

Steven: Wanna glass of water.

Mommie: Here.

Steven: Whaaaa.

Mommie: Oh dear! Oh deary me! This isn't enough water for my Special Steven
camel boy!

or

Oh dear! Oh deary me! My special Steven is going to fill a cup with tears. Salty water is yukky to drink!

or

Oh dear! Oh deary me! My special Steven needs a hug RIGHT NOW.


Remember, this too shall pass. Good luck.

I agree, this type of behavior is a sign he needs more attention to deal with his life stressors (school, siblings, p/g moms.) Can you give him some "Steven time" when he first gets home from preschool?

Then about the water-or-juice, want/don't want thing... What I did when mine were the age yours are now is get a whole bunch of sippy cups w/lids and put juice in one, milk in another, water in a 3rd, and leave them where my kids could reach them. Then they can decide and that will cut down on the number of times he throws that particular tantrum (but in all likelihood he'll replace it with another type.) At my house, when tantrums continued, I declared that my child must be tired, and take them in for a bit of a rest. I would try to make them both come lie down w/me if I were p/g b/c I'm sure I would need the rest, too... Resting in the crook of your arm is the magic solution for tantrums from 3s or 4s.

Good luck! PP

I think everyone gave you good advice. One other thing though I would suggest is to NOT to give a drink when your child cries for it. It is only encourages them to cry for a drink in the future; you are rewarding the behavior you do not want. I would suggest instead to tell your little one to ask for it like a big boy and then tell them how a big boy would ask for it. "Could a have a drink, please." Once he does give him the drink. If he continues to cry, walk away and do not give him attention until he calms down. This sounds easier than it is because it is a drag on the nerves, but he eventually will learn he will not get what he wants while he is throwing a fit. Also, if he changes his mind and wants something else simply tell him this is what you asked for and you can have it if you want. Put it within his reach and walk away. It is difficult on your nerves, but better in the long run.

Also this behavior with his younger brother is normal. I have a 5 year old and a 22 month old and they will play nice one minute and fight the next. I suggest that when the older one plays nice with his brother to complement him on it. Say what a good big boy you are for sharing with your brother or similar. Give positive feedback when they do nice things. If they fight separate them.

I have slightly different advice.

1. Steven has been sent off to school. He has been ousted from his home, sent away by his own mother perhaps because of his little brother and the new baby on the way - from a 4 year olds point of view. To me, that is the issue. He feels like he is being pushed out.

2. Positive reinforcement for good behavior is ALWAYS more effective than punishment for bad behavior or the threat of negative consequences. Try catching him being good and comment, hug, ruffle his hair each time he is acting appropriately. He will want to keep being good so he gets more of your attention.

3. This also comes into play with the drink issue. He doesn't care if your attention requires good behavior or bad, just as long as he gets it. Your task, as mentioned above, is to not provide the attention he wants when throwing a fit. You should notice some kind of build up to the fit, such as getting irritated, louder, more rambunctious. When you see this starting to build, give him a direction that distracts him AND requires good behavior so that you can reward / compliment him. An example would be that Steven is jumping up and down around the living room talking loudly. You say, "Steven, I'm trying to fix you a snack, but I can't reach the jelly. Could you please hand me the jelly?" When he does, you have diverted his attention from the fit he was building up to AND you have made him a part of fixing his own snack (big boy without having to say that he is a big boy since that is what he is fighting) AND you have given him attention and behavior that you can compliment him on.

4. I didn't have a problem with my two fighting, but I have seen it in plenty of their friends families. Probably the biggest difference I noted between parenting styles is that I did not a) place them in situations that encouraged competition with each other, b) I did not take sides, and c) I never stepped in uneccesarily to "break them up." Their arguments were their arguments. Their desire to play with the same toy was between them. I let them work it out so that they could learn to negotiate, and learn to give and take. I don't recall it ever escalating to physical - and if it did I would have stepped in, but even then not judgementally or showing favoritism to one over the other. I think it is very important to let them do this on their own, with minimal interference. If one says "Mommy, Stevan..." I would say "I'm sure you can work this out. I would like to see the two of you find a way for both of you to be happy." That means I didn't allow tattle tailing either.

5. If one child has already been diagnosed with ADD, it might be a factor for Stevan, but more often than not I have found that kids with the behavior you have described here simply need a change in how their needs are being addressed.

Hope this helps.

You all have given excellent advice and I am very grateful. The fit that Steven threw was in a doctors office with no books or toys or anything. So alot of the suggestions wouldn't work. He dosen't usually do it at home either. Just in public. Maybe he was also showing out because his new bus driver was in the waiting room too. As for him feeling pushed away, I don't think that would be it because it was his choice to go. I even asked him to stay home but he insisted on going. I have given him the option to not go to school but he wants too. I never thought about Steven having a problem with the new baby coming. I was concerned about Brendan, thank you for that advice, since then Steven has been helping me get the baby's things together and now seems to be excited about his arrival. I am still very open to more advice and thanks for the advice that you have given, it has been very helpful.

Expecting#4--

Glad we could help. Stick around--you may be able to help someone else.

The only thought I have on fits outside of the home is to remove him. Basically carry him some where away from everyone until he calms down. Fortunately for me, the tantrums are rare outside the home. But I did experience one while shopping. I simply loaded my kicking screaming girl in her stroller, strapped her and quickly brought her outside. Not sure of your situation, but typically this happens when my kids are tired. So if you can avoid bringing them in public when overtired it may help.