Sat 5 Mar, 2016 06:56 pm
Hello everyone, this is my first time reaching out for advice. Now to make myself perfectly clear, I'm not looking for someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that I just need to move on. Because that's not going to happen. Sooo lets start with some back story because there is a LOT. I'm a 19 year old girl. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and 6 months in about two weeks. I was in 10th grade when we started dating. Before we met, I was in a pretty rough place. My parents had recently split up, I had gotten out of an extremely toxic relationship and I had been molested the summer before I started high school. So he came into my life at a point when I was in a very low place. He treated me so so well. We started out as friends and we got close so quickly. Then we started dating. We were high school sweethearts. We're were in a school sport together so we saw each other 3+ times a week. He was 2 grades younger than me so we dealt with a lot of people talking about us and trying to create issues but we made it through. We've now been together for almost 4 and a half years and over the past few weeks he has been acting distant. We do not live together since he is still in high school and I'm in college, we both live with our parents. After about a week of trying to make plans and him saying he couldn't for this reason or that I told him I was outside his house and that we needed to talk. He came outside and we talked and he said he just doesn't know what he wants anymore, he needs more time with friends ( which would be totally fine except this consists of him and his best friend going to two girls houses where there is drinking involved) but I said if that's what it takes for us to stay together and work through this, you can have as much "friend time" as you need. He said he still wasn't sure and that he thought that maybe it would help if he took a break because instead of feeling like he "wants" to hang out with me, it has gotten to the point where he feels like he "has" to hang out with me. And I don't want to make him feel that way so I felt horrible. I don't mean to always want to hang out and be with him but I don't really have any friends that I hang out with outside of school. I have plenty of friends that I talk to at school, but I just don't have the desire to hang out with them outside of school, not to mention that I also work 20+ hours a week while going to school full time, so in the 3 or so nights I have off a week, I'd rather spend them with him. We have been on a "break" for 2 weeks now and we've been talking a little bit but only saw each other the other day for about 15 minutes before work and today just in passing to hug and kiss quick before he went to work. There's just too much back story to give.. But that's the gist of it. I do not want to, and will not live without him. If we do not fix things and stay together, I will find a way to end my life. He was my first for everything in like and I was his first as well. He is my best friend, he's the only person I trust and he's the person that keeps me sane. He has always been there for me when I needed him. Else were the definition of relationship goals up until 3 weeks ago. I didn't even know anything was wrong, I honestly had no idea. Now I have no idea what to do or how to fix things. So now I'm looking into alternatives invade this doesn't not work out. at first I was thinking about shooting myself in the head because that was quick and easy, but getting access to the right gun and doing the job correctly... I'm clueless. I know nothing about guns and all that stuff. I considered hanging and co2 poisoning but I do not want to look disfigured when I'm found, I also obviously don't want to choose a method that's going to be extremely painful. I know that my family loves me and that this is going to hurt them so I don't want them to find me purple or red, I want to look like I went as naturally and painlessly as possible. I just want the pain to end. I am completely lost without him and it's only getting worse as this "break" goes on. Any advice is appreciated but I am serious about this matter, I'm not looking to just stay strong and get over it, if we do break up I will be ending my life, not just because I am upset. But because I do not know how to live without him, I do not trust other people, I could never love anyone else, and the fact that I cannot get through the day without crying several times whenever I think about him or memories that we have together. My life on this earth is not a happy one without him and I know that it would just be painful forever... Thanks for listening.
I urge you to contact a trusted adult and tell them about your suicidal thoughts. This can be a parent, a teacher, a doctor, a member of the clergy. Or call a suicide hotline.
In the United States, this is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255
I know you are in pain but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
You can get through this, and the other side of it does not have to be the barrel of a gun.
I hope you will get the help you need and be able to talk to a skilled professional.