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Fri 26 Feb, 2016 04:08 pm
I’m a male PhD student and have a crush on another grad student that works across the hall from me. I started chatting with her via facebook and we had several days where we would talk off/on throughout the day. At times she was very playful, we would exchange funny links/pictures, etc. But, out of the blue, I noticed that her facebook profile said “In a Relationship”. Up to this point, her profile had not said anything about her relationship status. It just APPEARED one day. I’m not sure if it is real or not. We were chatting yesterday on FB over a period of several hours and it was going great until she suddenly stopped responding. I was telling her a story about something that happened at work and then said: “It’s such a long story. It’s a story full of lawyers, racism, nasty emails, etc. I can tell you over coffee sometime as there is some entertainment value". She saw the post, but didn’t respond. I'm concerned that maybe I was too forward with implying we should get coffee. Did I make a fatal mistake? Should I back off and let her initiate the next conversation?
Some basic facts about her/us for the record:
- She is a native of the phillipines and moved here 9 years ago (shes 26 now); she speaks good english
-We both are PhD students and are busy
-She told me she was introverted (shes quiet most of the time and walks with her head down).
-Sometimes when you initiate conversation with her in person she is very nice, well spoken, a little nervous, etc. Yet, other times I will say hey to her in the hallway and she seems cold and closed down.
-I'm aware that our work as phd students (we both have oppressive bosses) could likely make her this way.
Any thoughts or advice for me would be most appreciated. I'd like a female opinion as I've heard 100 different thoughts from my guy friends.
@SCgent16,
None of it matters except "in a relationship".
She either is in a relationship or wants people to think she is.
In either case, it's a sign to back off on any romantic pursuit you were considering.
It's really not that complicated.
@ehBeth,
I guess this is a good situation to just be friends with her and see what happens down the road....
Thanks for the response ehBeth
@SCgent16,
Being friends is a good thing. It's also the best way to develop relationships.
Friendship first.
@SCgent16,
not entirely related - and purely anecdotal - but none of my Filipina friends have ever hesitated in letting a man know if they were interested, it's usually the other way around - they come on a bit strong compared to North American women
@ehBeth,
So at this point, should I stop initiating contact with her and just back off until she says something to my last messages?
@SCgent16,
What is it with men? If you cant kiss her you cant be friends with her? Do you enjoy her company? Or is it just limited to a physical relationship? If you truly care about her, you care about her...without being freaky. If she has a boyfriend, you can be friends with him too. I dont advocate stalking her life or anything, but being supportive of her. Did you ask her about her status on FB? Oh? You have a boyfriend? Whats he like? But....be a friend! Not freaky stalker type.
@Lilkanyon,
I like her genuinely- not about sex. I personally don't care to meet any boyfriend, but I can be a friend to her and let things flow naturally.
@ehBeth,
Was my bringing up the topic of getting coffee what may have turned her off? I'm just curious - I don't want to repeat a mistake again later
@SCgent16,
Cant say, I dont know the girl. Start with being her friend...if she considers you one she will invite you someday. My husband now, of 18 years, turned me down when ai invited him out with friends one night. Maybe it just wasnt the right time?
@Lilkanyon,
I thought I would just give an update. As I mentioned before, my last message I sent to this girl was last Thursday or so - I heard nothing back from her all weekend despite the fact that she was online. In any case, at work today, my coworker and good friend came up to my desk and began a conversation with me by saying "so you like this chick?". Right as my friend said that to me, the girl that I like walked down the hallway past our office and she clearly heard my buddy say "so you like this chick?". Maybe I am overthinking the situation, but I didn't know if this meant anything.
About 5 minutes after that happened, I received a response from her to my last message. I understand how facebook messages are easy to lose track of, but I thought it was an interesting coincidence for her to have messaged me back right after hearing my coworker ask me "so you like this chick?".
Anyways, thank you all for your advice and attention - means a lot.
I thought I would just give an update. As I mentioned before, my last message I sent to this girl was last Thursday or so - I heard nothing back from her all weekend despite the fact that she was online. In any case, at work today, my coworker and good friend came up to my desk and began a conversation with me by saying "so you like this chick?". Right as my friend said that to me, the girl that I like walked down the hallway past our office and she clearly heard my buddy say "so you like this chick?". Maybe I am overthinking the situation, but I didn't know if this meant anything.
About 5 minutes after that happened, I received a response from her to my last message. I understand how facebook messages are easy to lose track of, but I thought it was an interesting coincidence for her to have messaged me back right after hearing my coworker ask me "so you like this chick?". Does this mean anything?
Anyways, thank you all for your advice and attention - means a lot. God bless.
@SCgent16,
My god man! Just ask her out for a coffee! Parsing FB posts as a sign of maybe or not is as bad as poking through goat intestines for a sign. Just ask her to coffee! Please?
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