@rosborne979,
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me rosborne This is all a bit overwhelming for me.. I really should have done this in the first place and shared how it is I came to be here, asking these questions. I honestly had no ill intent, though after thinking about it I realized I have responded entirely too harshly to many of the those who have come in with unnecessary force. For that I apologize. Here's my dilemma. I got saved in my late teens. Things were really good for a long time. Then the pastor of that church died and the one who took over... Well, things started getting quite confusing. He was pretty power hungry to say the least. He was actually abusive in some ways. In my mid 20's despite all the bologna that was being taught, God healed some physical scars from a childhood abuse.
In my late 20's I move and began to see what the rest of the church was like... And boy was I in for a surprise. Man. If I wasn't being treated like a leper because I didn't know someone who was in a clique that went there, they were begging for my money, and I even went to one where they passed out tithe buckets to the homeless people they were "ministering" to, telling them it was their responsibility to support the ministry to keep it going! All kinds of wacky doctrines, and the primary thing I noticed was everyone seemed to just blindly follow whatever the preacher said, because he said it.
This went on for many years. I do have some stories. I have seen it all. From being accused of being possessed and actually faking my way through an exorcism to try to keep those "Christian friends" two months after being saved, to people rolling on the floor roaring like a lion. No joke. After a while it all just became too much. The judgement, the criticism, the self-righteousness, hypocrisy. I left the church as a whole. I even made a futile attempt to sway my thinking to anything but God. I just couldn't. So then I spent several more years just trying not to care about anything. Still just didn't work.
Which leads me to right here. I came here after that discussion honestly just looking for some answers. I know that I know that I know that there are still some twisted things in my brain. I want to weed them out. I've been trying to do it on my own because I don't like asking for help. Primarily because I have spent the last 15 years being wacked from every angle you could think of and I am tired of it. I do still believe in God, but I also know there are greater truths to be discovered due to some of the false things I have believed. I just want help doing it, that's all. I am sorry to those I have been harsh to or about. It really was unnecessary on my part. It's almost like a PTSD reaction sometimes. My lips are quicker than my brain... Lol I do hope you all will forgive me. I'm doing the best I can, but to be perfectly honest, I am feeling pretty spiritually exhausted at this point and it can indeed cause me to be unpleasant at times.