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Fri 10 Jul, 2015 01:25 am
Hi. I have an article that I wrote and I sent it to proofreader.
I woder which version is better (they both got "fixed" by a proofreader).
VERSION 1:
Cancer. That one word that can make you stop dead in your tracks. That single syllable word that will make you want to run to the nearest hospital to get the checkup that you have avoided for the longest time. It’s that word that can make your blood run cold.
No one in this world who is in their right state of mind would ever want to be told that they have cancer. Everyone knows how this disease has taken millions of lives through the years. With its different faces and different stages, cancer is undoubtedly one of the most notorious causes of deaths.
Version 2:
Cancer. That one word that can stop you dead in your tracks. That single syllable word that will propel you to rush to the nearest hospital to get the checkup you have avoided for the longest time. It’s that word that can make your blood run cold.
No one in the world who is in their right state of mind would ever want to be told that they have cancer. It’s common knowledge that this disease has taken millions of lives through the years. With its different faces and different stages, cancer is undoubtedly one of the most notorious causes of deaths.
What do you think? which version is better?
@anonyman,
anonyman wrote:
Hi. I have an article that I wrote and I sent it to proofreader.
I woder which version is better (they both got "fixed" by a proofreader).
No offense, but I don't think the proofreader was on the ball. I like the latter version better, but I'd still edit it to look like this:
Quote:Version 2:
Cancer. One word that can stop you dead in your tracks. That two-syllable word will compel you to rush to the nearest hospital to get the checkup you have been avoiding. That word can make your blood run cold.
No one in their right mind wants to hear that they have cancer. It’s common knowledge that it has taken millions of lives over the years. With its different faces and different stages, cancer is undoubtedly among the most notorious causes of death.
Good writing is concise.
Also: can*cer.
Thank you for your reply?
I am not a native - The versions I gave you. If you would read them, you would think that "American" wrote them?
@anonyman,
I see. You're doing VERY well for a non-native speaker/writer! I seem to recall thinking that I was reading something written by a young native speaker who loved to use idioms too much.
@anonyman,
Quote:Cancer ... That single syllable word...
"Cancer" is a two syllable word. Can-cer. If your proofreader missed that they aren't very good.
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