Sun 14 Jun, 2015 07:28 pm
hi my name is brad,i'm white and guilty. growing up my parents where never really racist but they moved around a lot i was unfortunate enough to grow up around a lot of racist assholes. i remember when i was like 5 i had one black friend and we were tight but he ended up in the other grade one class so we drifted apart, and dated a black girl, but aside from that i never really had a lot of black friends. this probably had to do with growing up in private school for most of my younger years with no black people. when i was in 4th to 7th grade i was one of those white kids that loved hip hop, listened to excessive eminem, cypress hill, snoop dogg, etc. and basically walked around walking and talking like the stereotype of what i thought a black person was. i got clowned a lot, and my mother had some deeper rooted issues and used to verbally abuse me for listening to hip hop, and punish me excessively, frequently, and unnecessarily so when i was in the 7th or 8th grade when my parents split for whatever reason i stopped playing hip hop and started playing marylin manson, johnny cash, pantera, and other metal country and southern rock and grunge bands. i moved to a primarily white private school with under a hundred kids in it. i befriended a few kids that had racist tendencies and before long i was using the word nigger over a hundred times a day and telling countless black jokes. i kept it up until i reached the end of grade 9 when i saw the movie american history x an decided i should change my ways. that summer i was living in a sketchy neighborhood and was repeatedly broken into by a group of psychopathic individuals who happened to be black. while one of the guys who was very lightskinned was casing my house i told a black joke without realizing he was black. i always felt bad about that even though it became clear to me afterwards that they were planning to rob me all along i always looked back on it and felt that my being an asshole for 10 seconds caused me to lose every material possession i ever had, caused my dad and i to move, and traumatized me for a year and a half. after that i started listening to hip hop again because i realized that what rappers go on about in their lyrics isn't a myth or a novelty, its real and when i lived in that neighborhood i got a glimpse of it. i not claiming i'm from the hood or anything but i lived close enough to it and hung around the bus terminal near where i lived at long enough to see it was existed. after that i stopped being racist and completely hated myself for ever being racist. it still pisses me off today that i was taught to think and believe in stereotypes and every time i talk to a black person i feel horribly guilty which in turn makes me feel even more guilty that i can't make friends with black people. then i feel like **** for thinking i have to make friends with a black person because they're black or something. then i call myself racist even though i am firmly against racisim and frequently watch videos on the internet discussing white privilege, and problems within black community. what do i do with myself?
Get counseling and talk to a professional about how you feel.
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post! I hope you've found the support you were looking for.
I'd love to explore the possibility of featuring you on Reckonings (www.reckonings.show).
Would you be willing to email me directly?: [email protected]
What the hell we all are racists and tribal some more some less...the first step is recognized it and enlarge our sense of group and belonging. respect for the public thing (for the Res publica), for the diversity of genetic material, for the diversity of cultural povs and behaviour, respect and tolerance with the odd, the awkward, the different. Growing towards a global enriched civilized culture can't be done by pushing around. We assimilate and are assimilated, naturally.
You have gave already the fundamental step. Think guilt will only serve to deter you from having a natural relation to anyone around you. You deserve better they deserve better. Guilt is useful to remind you for the rest of your life to not judge easy or to not jump to convenient conclusions...Transform guilt in a function for better yourself in all areas, see it as a reminder, don't let guilt consume you.