Is he cheating on me?

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I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and have been living with him since the first month of our relationship; I am nine years younger than him and a full-time student. As of late I have been growing worried that my boyfriend has been cheating on me or that the situation I find myself in will lead him to cheat on me. Before we got together my boyfriend had a crush on his former coworker (who is three years older than me), but his coworker told him he was straight and not into experimenting. However, for the past two months his former coworker has gotten back in touch with my boyfriend via Facebook Messenger. Initially, my boyfriend explained the whole past situation to me and so I felt like there was no need to worry; however, my intuition got the best of me and I, unwilling to admit, went on his computer and read the messages on his Facebook account. The texts were quite flirtatious. I confronted my boyfriend about it and basically told me that I have nothing to worry about. But I have this overwhelming internal feeling that my boyfriend still has resolved feelings for this guy and will act upon them, although he already told me he wouldn't. I just don't believe him because he'll tell me that they were messaging and I will go and read the messages secretly and my boyfriend is being flirtatious with this guy. How do I confront my boyfriend about this? I know that if I were to tell him that I read the messages he would no longer trust me anymore. What do I do?

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@iLevan,

Well, you clearly no longer trust him, so I suppose you would be even then.

Be that as it may, what do you see as the endgame here? That he drops this friend? That you and he break up? Or wed? Or something else?

Because right now, from my barcalounger, it looks like you don't trust him, and he's not going to be able to trust you, and there's really only one way that this can end, and the third guy doesn't mean squat in this situation.

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@jespah,

I agree! You both have trust issues and that's usually the kiss of death for any relationship.

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@iLevan,

I don't believe that someone "in love" can have a crush on anyone. Someone dating only can. You moved in 1 month into the relationship, neither of you hardly knew each other.

He has told you obviously that his is Bi, did he tell you that by living with him, you both are exclusive only to each other?

You entered that relationship knowing of his past. It's natural to me that it would haunt you into your present and future. Any little trigger is going to make you snoop. I don't think this relationship was thought out very well from the inset.

My opinion is this. Stop snooping. What will be will be. If you snoop you'll get all sorts of mixed messages, not converse with him, back away from him, ruin the relationship. If he cheats, he ruins the relationship. You'll find out one way or the other. Concentrate on the relationship itself and hope that you didn't enter one whereby you are going to be cheated on, rather his " don't worry" is reality. There is such a thing as fantasy.

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@FOUND SOUL,

How do I stop snooping? I just feel like I know something is going on and I hate feeling vulnerable and like I'm going to be blindsided. I agree that I should stop but I need help in learning how to decipher which thoughts of mine are and are not irrational. Just knowing that my boyfriend is flirting with someone else is killing me on the inside and I don't know how to confront him about it.

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@jespah,

I acknowledge that me reading the messages were wrong and a violation of trust within this relationship but my intuition was not just a hunch--my boyfriend was actually replying to this guy in flirtatious manners and it's made me feel extremely paranoid. I need help in how I can confront him about it all.

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@iLevan,

I still think nothing good can come of this.

So you confront him.

And he knows you've been snooping.

And so the conversation (fight, most likely) turns from his flirtation to your trust issues.

Can you see how readily this can backfire and bite you in the ass?

Question: have you got independent proof of your suspicions, or is it just from ill-gotten information? If you have independent proof, then go with that. If not, then, like I said, determine what you want to be the result. And whether confronting him and owning up to snooping will get you the results you want. 'Cause I suspect it won't.

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@iLevan,

The violation of trust is an indication you don't belong in the relationship to begin with - regardless of what else happened.

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@iLevan,

Whether or not he's cheating/thinking of cheating/would cheat, you're snooping and have violated his privacy.

Quote:

What do I do?

I think you learn from this for the next relationship you are in. If you want to be with someone you can trust, you have to be someone they can trust. You're not that person right now.

______

Separately, I worry about someone who uses the word confront so often when they talk about how they speak to their partner (or plan to speak to their partner). You're not living on BravoTV, with Andy Cohen encouraging you to confront someone.

Confrontations aren't really a great way to think about communicating in relationships.

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@jespah,

In the past I he explained his history with this guy and I have told him blatantly that I feel uncomfortable with him messaging this guy (which usually happens when I am asleep because the messages are usually at an ungodly hour usually ranging from midnight to 4 in the morning), and he just shrugged it off and told me that this is just my insecurities showing through. Be that it may involve my insecurities, what he does not seem to realize or admit is that it is more than my insecurities playing a part in this; wouldn't anyone feel uncomfortable if your partner is messaging a former fling passed midnight who is constantly making advances towards them? And they keep letting it happen, although you have told them your concerns? I've been so worried that I'm practicing how to stay up later at night so I am actually conscious the next time they message each other.

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@iLevan,

Did you not read what the last three responders wrote? You seemed to have ignored it.

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Is he cheating on me?

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