Parent-adult child relationship dilemma - What should I do?

FROM THE RELATIONSHIPS BOARD, just to help explain the situation better.

It's very frustrating to see someone putting up with this treatment, and to this day, I really can't answer why people do. My story is similar (as they all are.)

My first marriage was a mistake that should have never happened. It's a long story, but in summary, I was in a big hurry to grow up. I married my high school prom date with whom I had nothing in common. He punched me in the face on our honeymoon and it was all downhill from there. I was too immature to even know what to do (I was 20,) and by the time I was 24 I had two babies who had seen me beaten up in front of them for as long as they can remember. To this day I have no idea why I had gotten myself into playing grownup when I was in no way emotionally or financially able to do so. I guess I was just allowing myself to be swept along by the current of "what a grownup is supposed to do," and followed along like a sheep.

By the time I was in my early 30's I had made a game plan to stay for financial reasons (I had quit college after two years, like a fool, and didn't have any education to fall back on,) until the children were out of high school and then get out. My family is very religious and I knew they would be of no help, telling me "Jesus hates divorced people," and "It's a sin to break your vows." I knew I was on my own, so I had to plan accordingly. When my children were 10 and 12, I had an affair, which was completely against my nature, but looking back I think it was a desperate attempt to get out of a no-win situation. I could have handled it better, but hindsight's better than foresight. My then-husband found out since he was always going through my purse, my checkbook, and accusing me of having an affair anyway (meanwhile he was having one for years before that with our neighbor.) One night I was going Christmas shopping with one of my friends and he assumed (as always) that I was going out on a date. He threw me into the bathtub and held a gun in my face threatening to kill me. My then 12-year-old daughter called the police as I had done countless times before but dropped charges for fear of living in poverty and rejection from my family, but not this time. I told them everything and so did my daughter (such a brave little girl.) He was removed from the house and taken to jail. His mother bailed him out the next morning and he lived with her for years. Not because he loved or missed me so much, but rather because he didn't "win," my ex husband is now a broken down bitter old man who revolves his life around "making me pay" for humiliating him and leaving the marriage.

He seldom works, drinks constantly and has no regard for his health (I have no contact with him, this has all been relayed to me by our daughter.) I have moved four times in four years to four states to stay one step ahead of his finding my whereabouts. Hopefully he has no idea where I now live. He had ostracized me in our community as part of my punishment by starting rumors that I'm a prostitute, a lesbian, in jail, dying of AIDS, dealing drugs, deceased and those are just the stories that have gotten back to me. I have no idea what else is flying around, but no one in my former community will be seen dead with me, which is just what he wanted. I surmise that he figured that if he had cut off any potential support system that I may have had, I'd be forced to come back. More likely he was trying to make me look worse than he did, so no one would "look down" on him because his wife left him. Who knows.

He has since turned my son against me, and I haven't seen or heard from my son in over 5 years. My ex had encouraged him to steal from me while he was living at my house and I do have proof that he had. Still I miss him terribly but I doubt that I will ever trust him again. My daughter has grown into a very smart, independent young woman who knows she doesn't need to depend on anyone if she has her education. Her father has paid for none of it. My current husband and I have paid for her college tuition, car payments, cell phone, credit cards, food, rent, insurance, you name it, and plan on continuing to do so until she completes her bachelor's degree and is able to work full time and support herself. Her father just says, "tell your mother and her cute little boyfriend to pay for it." And we do. This is not her fault, but he uses her and her brother as weapons against me time and time again. He's the master at playing the victim and coming out smelling like a rose. He always has been and I'm no match for his acting ability. I just try my best to assume my parental responsibilities for our daughter, and stay the hell out of his way. He's a force to be reckoned with, that's for sure.

I have since remarried to someone with values and goals similar to mine, and am finally working on earning my bachelor's degree. The experience of my divorce was the turning point in my life. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had accepted that situation and stayed there. I probably would have been killed by now, or in a mental institution. That experience showed me that the first person I should always depend on is me, and I've never forgotten that. I had missed 15 years of growth, discovery and enjoyment of my own life, but on the other hand I wouldn't have the children I love so dearly without having married that man, so nothing is completely bad. I learned from this experience more than I've learned from any other, and even more important, my daughter did too and I am certain that she will never have to go through anything like I did. That's a pretty good feeling, actually there's none like it.

I would call him. You are right, no one should abuse some one else. But we are talking about a life threatening injury. Perhaps this may be an awakening for him. If he starts to abuse you again, then hang up on him. It's true, no matter what your children do you still love them. As mom told me about my older brother, I don't like, but I will always love him.

To me it is worth the chance - the worst thing that can happen is he calls you a name again. At least you know you tried.

Oh, Sue, that's terrible. I'm with Linkat. I think you need to try, because you'll probably regret it a lot more if you didn't. So try - and if he calls you a name, just hang up. You'll know you did the right thing, and can have a clear conscience. If he's too foolish and stubborn to be able to allow you to mother him when he's had a life-threatening injury, well, let's just say the fault here is absolutely nowhere near being with you.

I am sorry to hear this has happened to you in such a short life span. JEeeezzeeee most people would have just turned belly-up by now and gave up everything. You have a back-bone now. Good for you! I hope you never loose it.
I would suggest not calling him. Simply because in my opinion ALONE , you calling him is allowing yourself to be abused again. YES he is your son, but heis NOT respecting you. Send some flowers, a card, SOMETHING but dont send you. Tell him you love him. Tell him you are there for him no matter what. But dont put yourself in arms reach of him. He will only hurt you if he still doesnt want you around. If he has changed his mind or just wants to see his mother, he will respond to the flowers , cards, etc and tell you so.

Please, my opinion is mine alone. If it helps you giving you that idea then great! If I offended you I do apologize. I have asked for alot of advice on this forum and i always appreciate diffrent opinions no matter what they are. Maybe mine will help you.

Blessed be.

I definitely agree with all of you. You all have some great ideas and reasons! This is all just so confusing.

I've been thinking. Should I do this?

The woman my son lives with was in a lot of kids' activities with our daughter when they were growing up. I knew her mom, but it's been at least 10 years since I've seen her.

I tried to find her phone number or even an address, but they must be unlisted. I was thinking that if by some act of God I'm able to find any contact information on her mom (they don't live with her, so my son would probably never know I've done this) should I call her and see if my son's okay?

Who knows, maybe she's been told I'm a crack addict or a jailbird too and would hang up on me.

Is there any way on line to find someone's phone number or address if they're unlisted?

Should I even bother doing this at all?

I know there are some search companies that will find this sort of information. You could try a google search for these types of websites if no one here knows an exact one.

From the sounds of it, you seem to really want to get some sort of contact or at least some sort of conformation that your son is o-k. I would suggest trying any way you feel comfortable with. I don't see why you shouldn't contact her. As long as you are polite and just say you want to make sure you son is o-k, why would any reasonable person not want to answer you even if they think the worst of you.

Try www.411.com

Is there some food or treat that he adored as a child? Actions speak louder than words and material goodies with auras are somewhere in between.

If this just happened today, he's probably still in the hospital, and you can reach him there. I would call him, or stop by to visit; as Noddy said, maybe with his favorite meal or cookies you made. I have not been in a position where anyone in my family has written off anyone else, so I'm not speaking from experience here, but you will always be his mommy, and if you don't visit him or call, I can't see the situation ever improving. I would certainly expect my mother to show up.
But maybe I'm a martyr. I just would never give up on a child. Take any opportunity you get. He was raised by an abusive father, this is one of the ramifications of that. I hope it all works out for you.

I spoke with my daughter last night who said that my son was released from the hospital and seems to be doing okay. He has to take two weeks off work and no driving (obviously) in that time period either.

He lives pretty far from me, 100-200 miles away. I did use the 411 search engine (thanks, Linkat!) but couldn't find his phone number. He just moved into this place so I doubt that his information has circulated much yet.

However, my daughter did say that his girlfriend wanted my phone number. I always got along with her and was her cheerleader coach when they were younger. I'm surprised she ended up living with my son. Funny how things come about years down the road.

Anyway, my daughter hasn't given her my number yet, but on the 411 search engine I was able to find her parents' phone number and will call her mom today. I'll just take it slowly and not force the issue.

I'm thinking about sending my son a gift basket customized with some of his favorite childhood goodies (thanks, Noddy and Suzy - great suggestion!) or a card and then leaving the ball in his court. I really don't think I'm going to contact him personally, at least for now. He's very angry and very brainwashed and when I've tried in the past it only made matters worse (I'm not offended at all, SheWolf. You're right!) Right now he really really hates me.

For the time being, I told my daughter to let him know that I love him and am very concerned, and that if he needs anything at all to contact me, as she has my address and phone number that she can provide to him, and I'll be happy to do anything he needs me to do to help. You're right, Jespah. I really feel a strong need to "mother" right now.

I'm just glad to know he's okay and will slowly try to reestablish some kind of a relationship over time without forcing the issue. I have to do this very carefully.

You guys are great. Thanks so much for all the help and advice.

Good to know he's out of the woods. Your idea's a sensible one; hope it works out.

Good luck and I wish you both the best.