14 year old son

Sounds like he needed a slap. Where is your ex now? Is he concerned? Can he help? Any other men around? He needs a man to straighten him out. Alot of the time that's what it takes. Testosterone. Can you get him involved in a mentoring program?

Question is...what's going on at school? Does he have good friends?

What are his interests? Has he been doing well at anything lately, outside of school?

Good point Jer. There may be a specific reason why this boy doesn't want to go to school.

Thanks eoe. Just figured that we might want to get a whole lot better picture of the boy before jumping to conclusions. I don't think it's that uncommon for a 14-year old to be a problem or to swear at their parents -but if he's acting out as much as it sounds like he is, there's probably something going on somewhere in his life that's really bugging him.

Best to find out where the problems lie and to work at fixing those problems.

Perhaps he's got an undiagnosed learning disability. Maybe he's upset because of a divorce. Maybe all the kids at school call him names. Maybe he feels stupid, which makes him not want to try...cause if he doesn't try at least that way he's not 'putting himself out there'.

Maybe he hasn't been given enough independence throughout his life and he's rebelling against being overparented. Maybe he's been using drugs. Maybe a girl he likes doesn't like him back...

As far as school and failing goes, it wouldn't be good to fail grade 9, but if it were to happen it wouldn't be the end of the world. Many successful people have been held back at school at one point or another.

There are a ton of maybe's...probably best to start by asking yourself and bunch of questions and then by asking him what's going on.

Why do you think he called you what he did?

I agree. He wouldn't act that way if he was happy. Any recent changes in the family structure? You mentioned an ex?

As far as your son calling you names, the answer is very simple. He learned that behavior from your ex. You say that he is very smart. Had he done well in school before this year? When did you separate from your ex? Sometimes a kid will react adversely when his parents split.

Is there any possibility that he may be using drugs? Think about it. Has he changed his group of friends? Are there any other changes in his behavior?

If the problem were just the name calling, but he were doing well otherwise, I would be less concerned. Fourteen is a tough age. My concern is that he is failing in school. Something is going on, and I think that you need to talk to a professional counselor to sort things out. Don't wait......If his problems are not addressed now, it will only become more difficult as he gets older.

I think, and I may get lots of flak here, that it is not necessarily hugely important that your son called you what he did. It's part of growing up and asserting himself as an individual. My sons have on occasion done this, and I found the best thing was NOT to rise to the goad - because they are doing it for effect. If you could laugh, even better.
BTW all my 3 sons are in their early 20s, very loving, and doing well in their careers - but if you'd judged them by the way they were at 14, it might have looked very different!

Part of being 14 is doing badly at school too, but this if obviously more serious. It may be that his peers are disinclined to work hard and he wants to be cool and fit in with them - any other schools available to you?

Support him and try and understand him. Don't make it a constant conflict - that just drives a wedge between you.

Clary,

I like the way you think