5
   

Did he really love her during our seperation?

 
 
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 02:37 pm
Please no judge, I have so much on my mind and I need inputs and opinions. There is more to it but a quick brief idea for you. Please understand me, I typed this out too quickly,
In December, 2014…
My husband and I are currently 24 years old. While my nursing 3 years with my toddler, I’ve been irritable and easily anger or depressed, worse feeling in the world (happy that I am done nursing. And it’s due to thyroid level being high during breastfeeding believe it or not. So, we have been fighting quite a while, over every little thing, bickering, although we would hang out as best friends, we would have many disagreements.
At the same time, I’ve been texting a 46 year old trainer from work for I guess about 2 years on and off (not having an affair) and my husband found out, months ago. I guess the trainer asked me to meet him at a store.(weird, he is married with children) Which my husband saw before I did because I didn’t have a lock on my phone and my husband lost it. He honestly thought I was having an affair. (No I didn’t meet the trainer) we fought for days and he was confused and lost. He ended doing some drugs.. But had stopped.
Back in 2008,
When we first we married. We were 18. He had already had an almost 4 year old daughter from his ex (she’s a great person) he enlisted in the service instead of going to college right away. He did so. We were both excited. Right before he left, I was ok. But once he left. I became so depressed for some reason. Anyway he left.. We wrote all the time to each other. So I was hanging out with my friend, Steph to pass time, my family or working. Steph was hanging out with my other friends little brother, Shane, who is 3 years younger than me. So I was with Shane as well, whenever I was with Steph. I would talk to my husband on the phone or in the letters of the people I would hang out with. I told him everything. Nothing to hide, So my husband ended up being discharged from training, came home and to fast forward.. Quickly assumed I had an affair with Shane, Shane had texted me and called me hun and said some sweet things to me but he would talk like that to all girls. And it was not like I was giving in. I loved my husband more than the world. But to my husband, it looked like an affair or if I was seeing him, I also tried to make them friend when we would all hangout. But he thought that was fishy.
Fast forward to November 2014..
My husband gets bad winter blues (who doesn’t) since before I’ve married him. I know this and we’ve dealt with this. Ive been nursing for a while, have gained up to 190 lbs from breastfeeding and it was also due to the thyroid issue from breastfeeding (which is normal now) We had great times, we have children, we enjoy them, do our thing, ect. But also argue, disagree ect..Having really bad arguments, where he would storm off.. at the end of November, he was asking me to do marriage counselling and I refused said that I don’t trust it and we should be able to stop on our own. He was getting a little annoyed from my replies.
December 2014
Continued to argue.. He would go to bed late because he worked nights and I worked until 4pm. I would dislike the fact that he would be up all night and I tried but would fall asleep and he wouldn’t come to bed with me even half the week. We argued about that…My husband did work with me and almost got fired, that he decided to resign and he thought it was over the trainer, he would bring that up. Constantly and saying how he did that because he wanted me.. just down right accusing me of seeing him. Because I was texting him.. (which I know is wrong either way, he had a point. My husband would never talk to a girl unless it was one of his high school friends ect) I was hard on him either things but I still made sure I took care of my duties. We had plans to move out of his parents in feb and start college again in January together, get a minivan we had so many new goals. One day, on December 14th..we were in a argument over our sons 3rd birthday interfering with his nephews party, more than that but it’s an idea. He was getting so angry where he chased me up the stairs and roughed me up on the ground.. he did not punch. Slap, kick or bite. It was more of his body weight on me. His mom chased after him so he got off me and ran off to work.. he was super embarrassed and hurt since that day. Not just because of his mother seeing him that upset but as a man, he felt worn out and as an abuser. Even though he is not that kind of person. We were both at fault. I was hard on him with certain things and he didn’t like that, I know. He brought up the marriage counselling again and I said no..(I should have said yes) every day we had a calm talk about how roughing me up was bad and that we shouldn’t be together, it is not normal for that to happen and how he is not that type of person and us argeuing all the time is upsetting him and I told him I understand. I am all over the place ect. (doesn’t help that during the winter/fall he is super sensitive)
Any the same day he roughed me up is when he met, Denise and her mother while he was working (at dunkin donuts). Denise came into his job while she was in town. She is 33, so almost 10 years older than us. She has no kids, lives with her grand parents and also worked for dunkin donuts at the time. That’s why they talked so much that day while he was working. She came back into the store after her and her mom walked out to leave. She talked to my husband some more and his coworker was giving him hints to ask for her number because it was obvious she was hitting on him. So he did. She gave him her number. He was so mad that day that he didn’t care. Even his coworker told me recently that the day he met Denise was the same day he was so pissed off at me about roughing me up that he didn’t care what happened to us.
So he had her number, obviously, I didn’t know at that time that he did. We were both on the same phone plan so I have proof that he didn’t contact her until after we separated 12 days later… he couldn’t take the pain anymore, he was depressed, he has been thinking about relapsing for 2 months know, he thinks he is becoming a abusive person, he is bringing up the Shane thing from years ago. (even though he isn’t innocent) he said I was having an affair with the trainer, he didn’t know where we were going with all the fighting (even though I weaned our almost 3 year old off the breast and I was a completely different person, less irritable) ect. There was so much. And I didn’t argue.
The next day after we separated, December 26th, 2014, around dinner time, I stormed out of his parents’ house without telling him. I know the kids were safe with him. He called me so much that I didn’t answer, I didn’t want to talk to him. He was worried I was up to something or seeing someone. I went and stayed at my parents for the night. That same night is when he reached out to Denise … she had asked him to pick her up from work later because she was working at the dunkin donuts that is an half hour away and he did. He also had our almost 3 year old son with him in the car to pick her up. So I don’t think he had plans to see her or he would have made an arrangement for him to be babysat.
That night he drove her up to her grandparents’ house, walked her to the door. (my husband is a very shy guy. Im surprised he did all this) They talked, she leaned in like she wanted a kiss, so he kissed her back. She then kissed, bit and pulled on his neck, leaving a hickey on it. He wasn’t expecting that and he pushed her off because he is not into biting ect. But he was not aware of the hickie. (I did go through his old message and that night he did yell at her through text saying” holy sh**!~ you left me a effing hickie, ect. She said” why does it matter?”
She knew he was married with kids because he called her once after a huge fight to say hello to her, nothing more, never even texted her. And I texted her number after I saw it on the call log and said I know who you are talking to my husband paul ect. But after I saw that in the call log. He said someone random used his phone and I actually believe even after I called and texted her all that.
But anyway, I came home the next day after I left for the night to gather our things to move out of his parents and I saw the hickie. I didn’t know where or who he got it from but I automatically thought that he left me for someone else. I went in a craz started yelling at him throwing things at him. He was denying that it was a hickie. Ect. I took the wii u, that made him even more mad. As I was driving away, he texted me saying that I am over reacting.. I need to come back and talk and I refused. I told him that I had a date with the trainer..even though I didn’t. He believed it and said enjoy his wrinkle balls ect.. I know I added flame to the fire but I was sooo upset. He took me off the phone plan once I took the wii u away. Probably so I wouldn’t have access to the acct either. So I went and got a prepaid phone. He was pissed. No he had no one to help him with that bill.
So since then he was talking to Denise and I did some research on her because he added her on fb which is how I found out it was her. The research wasn’t nice either..He said the hickie was from someone else. Even though later on he told me it was from her. They talked from December 27th til January 19th. He said out of those 24 days, he only saw her 10 days other then when she came to his job to bug him. She lived half hour away. He said their visits were mostly in her area. He said on Jan 2nd that they stayed at a hotel right away and attempted. But he would barely get it going after she showed him a video of her and another guy doing it and she was too manly about it. She wanted It a way he wasn’t use to so they didn’t end up finishing or anything. He was telling her how much he loved her and how he never thought could love anyone as much as he loves her. He spent his new years day with her. He was posting lovey dovey stuff on her facebook. In between all this, anytime he would see me, he would get super-hot for me…we actually ended up seeing each other sexually every weekend.. he would ask me if I was doing it just for sex and I would say yes. Even though I knew he was talking to her he said it wasn’t serious. But how could he be telling her all those nice things and be having sex with me?! My husband is the type of guy if he seeing someone he would be faithful to them , so maybe it wasn’t serious to him
She said on fb that he promised her marriage, kids and a house.. he said he said things that should have never been said but he never promised her those things.. he said that she talked about having that so often to him that maybe she thought that.. She was getting controlling with him within those weeks.. Telling him what to wear, music to listen to, etc. Telling him to man up to me and take the kids away from me. Etc. Just so much. So he ended up relapsing into drugs again (he is clean now) during the middle of the separation and divorce. I knew there was something wrong with him. This lady Denise ended up giving my husband her prescription and he illegal medication as in Klonopin, Ativan, Vicodin etc. for him to hold and said to him that he can take a few to ease some stress. He did. He actually ended up taking all of it.. he was so depressed from before he left me and until after. He made it seem he separation was going to make him better but it actually did once we were back together. We learned a lot in those 3 weeks. But still, it doesn’t stop bother me that he talked to this lady and said all those things to her. HE did say that it was for an easy distraction and she was willing to do anything because she was desperate to have someone.. she is lonely and has no one.. he doesn’t talk to her anymore since Jan. he actually just stopped talking to her on his own without telling her and she was stalking him at his job, calling his friends that she doesn’t know etc. But she ended up making a police report on us saying that we were harassing her and that he stole her meds. He then wanted his family back. That the separation was worth less and he doesn’t want to go through this. I almost said no.. but if I had a chance to have my family back and make it better, I took the chance.
So questions is… I know it doesn’t matter because its been 5 months but…
did he really love her? Did it seem like he left me for her?
Men.. What is your input or even the ladies.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 777 • Replies: 10
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 02:39 pm
@kminelly,
I have consulted the Magic 8 ball.

It says he would love it if you would stop making duplicate topics.

kthxbai
kminelly
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 02:46 pm
@jespah,
No replies. I have no idea how this works
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 02:49 pm
@kminelly,
I understand but I do hope you'll realize that answers aren't always immediate, particularly to long questions.

As for what's in his heart, who the hell knows? The best person to ask about this would be the owner of the heart in question, e. g. him.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 05:09 pm
@kminelly,
A quick idea?

Please learn to write in paragraphs to give a reader a break.

I'll try to break your text down to readability. I don't mean to be insulting, just that long texts with no visual breaks in them are hard to want to bother to read for many people. I get it that some magazines don't skip spaces either, but online here, it reads as a wall.



Please no judge, I have so much on my mind and I need inputs and opinions. There is more to it but a quick brief idea for you. Please understand me, I typed this out too quickly,

In December, 2014…

My husband and I are currently 24 years old. While my nursing 3 years with my toddler, I’ve been irritable and easily anger or depressed, worse feeling in the world (happy that I am done nursing. And it’s due to thyroid level being high during breastfeeding believe it or not. So, we have been fighting quite a while, over every little thing, bickering, although we would hang out as best friends, we would have many disagreements.

At the same time, I’ve been texting a 46 year old trainer from work for I guess about 2 years on and off (not having an affair) and my husband found out, months ago. I guess the trainer asked me to meet him at a store.(weird, he is married with children) Which my husband saw before I did because I didn’t have a lock on my phone and my husband lost it. He honestly thought I was having an affair. (No I didn’t meet the trainer) we fought for days and he was confused and lost. He ended doing some drugs.. But had stopped.

Back in 2008,

When we first we married. We were 18. He had already had an almost 4 year old daughter from his ex (she’s a great person) he enlisted in the service instead of going to college right away. He did so. We were both excited. Right before he left, I was ok. But once he left. I became so depressed for some reason. Anyway he left..

We wrote all the time to each other. So I was hanging out with my friend, Steph to pass time, my family or working. Steph was hanging out with my other friends little brother, Shane, who is 3 years younger than me. So I was with Shane as well, whenever I was with Steph. I would talk to my husband on the phone or in the letters of the people I would hang out with. I told him everything.

Nothing to hide, So my husband ended up being discharged from training, came home and to fast forward.. Quickly assumed I had an affair with Shane, Shane had texted me and called me hun and said some sweet things to me but he would talk like that to all girls. And it was not like I was giving in. I loved my husband more than the world. But to my husband, it looked like an affair or if I was seeing him, I also tried to make them friend when we would all hangout. But he thought that was fishy.

Fast forward to November 2014..

My husband gets bad winter blues (who doesn’t) since before I’ve married him. I know this and we’ve dealt with this. Ive been nursing for a while, have gained up to 190 lbs from breastfeeding and it was also due to the thyroid issue from breastfeeding (which is normal now) We had great times, we have children, we enjoy them, do our thing, ect. But also argue, disagree ect..Having really bad arguments, where he would storm off..

at the end of November, he was asking me to do marriage counselling and I refused said that I don’t trust it and we should be able to stop on our own. He was getting a little annoyed from my replies.

December 2014

Continued to argue.. He would go to bed late because he worked nights and I worked until 4pm. I would dislike the fact that he would be up all night and I tried but would fall asleep and he wouldn’t come to bed with me even half the week. We argued about that…My husband did work with me and almost got fired, that he decided to resign and he thought it was over the trainer, he would bring that up. Constantly and saying how he did that because he wanted me.. just down right accusing me of seeing him. Because I was texting him.. (which I know is wrong either way, he had a point.

My husband would never talk to a girl unless it was one of his high school friends ect) I was hard on him either things but I still made sure I took care of my duties. We had plans to move out of his parents in feb and start college again in January together, get a minivan we had so many new goals. One day, on December 14th..we were in a argument over our sons 3rd birthday interfering with his nephews party, more than that but it’s an idea.

He was getting so angry where he chased me up the stairs and roughed me up on the ground.. he did not punch. Slap, kick or bite. It was more of his body weight on me. His mom chased after him so he got off me and ran off to work.. he was super embarrassed and hurt since that day. Not just because of his mother seeing him that upset but as a man, he felt worn out and as an abuser. Even though he is not that kind of person. We were both at fault. I was hard on him with certain things and he didn’t like that, I know.

He brought up the marriage counselling again and I said no..(I should have said yes) every day we had a calm talk about how roughing me up was bad and that we shouldn’t be together, it is not normal for that to happen and how he is not that type of person and us argeuing all the time is upsetting him and I told him I understand. I am all over the place ect. (doesn’t help that during the winter/fall he is super sensitive)

Any the same day he roughed me up is when he met, Denise and her mother while he was working (at dunkin donuts). Denise came into his job while she was in town. She is 33, so almost 10 years older than us. She has no kids, lives with her grand parents and also worked for dunkin donuts at the time. That’s why they talked so much that day while he was working. She came back into the store after her and her mom walked out to leave. She talked to my husband some more and his coworker was giving him hints to ask for her number because it was obvious she was hitting on him. So he did. She gave him her number. He was so mad that day that he didn’t care. Even his coworker told me recently that the day he met Denise was the same day he was so pissed off at me about roughing me up that he didn’t care what happened to us.

So he had her number, obviously, I didn’t know at that time that he did. We were both on the same phone plan so I have proof that he didn’t contact her until after we separated 12 days later… he couldn’t take the pain anymore, he was depressed, he has been thinking about relapsing for 2 months know, he thinks he is becoming a abusive person, he is bringing up the Shane thing from years ago. (even though he isn’t innocent) he said I was having an affair with the trainer, he didn’t know where we were going with all the fighting (even though I weaned our almost 3 year old off the breast and I was a completely different person, less irritable) ect. There was so much. And I didn’t argue.

The next day after we separated, December 26th, 2014, around dinner time, I stormed out of his parents’ house without telling him. I know the kids were safe with him. He called me so much that I didn’t answer, I didn’t want to talk to him. He was worried I was up to something or seeing someone. I went and stayed at my parents for the night. That same night is when he reached out to Denise … she had asked him to pick her up from work later because she was working at the dunkin donuts that is an half hour away and he did. He also had our almost 3 year old son with him in the car to pick her up. So I don’t think he had plans to see her or he would have made an arrangement for him to be babysat.

That night he drove her up to her grandparents’ house, walked her to the door. (my husband is a very shy guy. Im surprised he did all this) They talked, she leaned in like she wanted a kiss, so he kissed her back. She then kissed, bit and pulled on his neck, leaving a hickey on it. He wasn’t expecting that and he pushed her off because he is not into biting ect. But he was not aware of the hickie. (I did go through his old message and that night he did yell at her through text saying” holy sh**!~ you left me a effing hickie, ect. She said” why does it matter?”

She knew he was married with kids because he called her once after a huge fight to say hello to her, nothing more, never even texted her. And I texted her number after I saw it on the call log and said I know who you are talking to my husband paul ect. But after I saw that in the call log. He said someone random used his phone and I actually believe even after I called and texted her all that.
But anyway, I came home the next day after I left for the night to gather our things to move out of his parents and I saw the hickie. I didn’t know where or who he got it from but I automatically thought that he left me for someone else.

I went in a craz started yelling at him throwing things at him. He was denying that it was a hickie. Ect. I took the wii u, that made him even more mad. As I was driving away, he texted me saying that I am over reacting.. I need to come back and talk and I refused. I told him that I had a date with the trainer..even though I didn’t. He believed it and said enjoy his wrinkle balls ect.. I know I added flame to the fire but I was sooo upset. He took me off the phone plan once I took the wii u away. Probably so I wouldn’t have access to the acct either. So I went and got a prepaid phone. He was pissed. No he had no one to help him with that bill.

So since then he was talking to Denise and I did some research on her because he added her on fb which is how I found out it was her. The research wasn’t nice either..He said the hickie was from someone else. Even though later on he told me it was from her. They talked from December 27th til January 19th. He said out of those 24 days, he only saw her 10 days other then when she came to his job to bug him. She lived half hour away. He said their visits were mostly in her area.

He said on Jan 2nd that they stayed at a hotel right away and attempted. But he would barely get it going after she showed him a video of her and another guy doing it and she was too manly about it. She wanted It a way he wasn’t use to so they didn’t end up finishing or anything. He was telling her how much he loved her and how he never thought could love anyone as much as he loves her. He spent his new years day with her. He was posting lovey dovey stuff on her facebook.

In between all this, anytime he would see me, he would get super-hot for me…we actually ended up seeing each other sexually every weekend.. he would ask me if I was doing it just for sex and I would say yes. Even though I knew he was talking to her he said it wasn’t serious. But how could he be telling her all those nice things and be having sex with me?! My husband is the type of guy if he seeing someone he would be faithful to them , so maybe it wasn’t serious to him

She said on fb that he promised her marriage, kids and a house.. he said he said things that should have never been said but he never promised her those things.. he said that she talked about having that so often to him that maybe she thought that.. She was getting controlling with him within those weeks.. Telling him what to wear, music to listen to, etc. Telling him to man up to me and take the kids away from me. Etc. Just so much.

So he ended up relapsing into drugs again (he is clean now) during the middle of the separation and divorce. I knew there was something wrong with him. This lady Denise ended up giving my husband her prescription and he illegal medication as in Klonopin, Ativan, Vicodin etc. for him to hold and said to him that he can take a few to ease some stress. He did. He actually ended up taking all of it.. he was so depressed from before he left me and until after. He made it seem he separation was going to make him better but it actually did once we were back together. We learned a lot in those 3 weeks.

But still, it doesn’t stop bother me that he talked to this lady and said all those things to her. HE did say that it was for an easy distraction and she was willing to do anything because she was desperate to have someone.. she is lonely and has no one.. he doesn’t talk to her anymore since Jan. he actually just stopped talking to her on his own without telling her and she was stalking him at his job, calling his friends that she doesn’t know etc. But she ended up making a police report on us saying that we were harassing her and that he stole her meds. He then wanted his family back. That the separation was worth less and he doesn’t want to go through this. I almost said no.. but if I had a chance to have my family back and make it better, I took the chance.

So questions is… I know it doesn’t matter because its been 5 months but…
did he really love her? Did it seem like he left me for her?
Men.. What is your input or even the ladies.

ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 05:23 pm
@kminelly,
kminelly wrote:
he was asking me to do marriage counselling and I refused said that I don’t trust it and we should be able to stop on our own.


your husband asked you to participate in counselling to try and make your relationship better and you refused.

you are now asking strangers for their input on a trivial part of your problems.

____

Re-think your position on counselling. It sounds like some pretty significant help around communication is required in your relationship.

You need real help with this.
0 Replies
 
kminelly
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 09:26 pm
@ossobuco,
Thanks. I had typed this out on word and copy/pasted it. Didn't edit it. But thank you Smile
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 May, 2015 09:31 pm
@kminelly,
I'm glad you're not irritated, plenty of people would be.

I'm still thinking about your situation. I'll be back tomorrow. I agree on the need for counsel, while I understand why you didn't want to go there.. now things are even more complex.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 25 May, 2015 03:06 pm
There are now 2 children?

For their sake, get into marriage counseling and see if all this can be sorted out.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 May, 2015 03:20 pm
@ossobuco,
One of my questions is about the long time nursing as your health was zooming down and your weight was zooming up, a thyroid problem you said.

On that, there are varieties of opinion by people about the need to nurse that long. The child's thymus kicks in around the 6th month and is additive for the immune system with time.
In any case, it isn't necessary to do it that anywhere near that long to get the benefit to the child. Did you ever go to a doctor about all this> the depression, the exceedingly large weight gain, the thyroid condition and what to do about it? Were you nursing so you wouldn't get pregnant again? There are other means...

I may be wrong, easily, but my take is that you like to work out stuff yourself without interference. I'm somewhat similar, so I'm not barking at you, exactly, but it's not generally wise not to look around for advice for so long a time.

I think besides marriage counseling, some medical counseling would be a good idea.

kminelly
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 May, 2015 11:45 am
@ossobuco,
I DID SEE MY DOCTOR. ESP THE REASON WHY I HAD BLOOD WORK DONE FOR MY THYROID. Once i stopped nursing, thyroid went back to normal and i lost 40 lbs. she even asked me questions about being depressed or irritable because the thyroid will cause me to feel that way
0 Replies
 
 

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