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Wed 30 Jun, 2004 12:20 pm
Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.
Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.
Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red,
white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock
and crumbled in the box.
Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portugese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes
and still come second!
Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?
A: They are both useless in Europe!
Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence
Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in
a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the
English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it
totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a
successful pass to or at anyone.
Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy
Hill. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English
football fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never
swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, Accountants are the best to operate on because when
you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, Try electricians. Everything inside them is
colour-coded."
The fourth one says, I prefer English football fans. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English
football jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his
family from the embarrassment.
Q.What do you have when 100 English football fans are buried up to their
necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
English football fans: no joke, but the main news tonight (and headline in tomorrow's papers) in (mainland) Europe:
Quote:Referee under police protection
By Sebastian Usher
BBC world media reporter
The Swiss referee who disallowed a goal by England in their Euro 2004 quarter-final with Portugal says he has been put under police protection.
Urs Meier told a Swiss radio station that he been advised to go into hiding after receiving death threats.
He has been accused by England's tabloid press of being responsible for the national team's defeat.
Mr Meier said he had received more than 16,000 e-mails after his address was printed in a newspaper.
Security problems
Mr Meier told Swiss Radio International that he stood by his decision on the goal, but that the public response had come as a shock.
"We have security problems in my office. We have security problems for myself and this is not the right way to handle this referee decision if it is right or not right," he said.
His house was tracked down by reporters from England's largest-circulation tabloid, the Sun, who planted an English flag outside it.
British MPs have also tabled a motion in the House of Commons criticising the quality of refereeing in the tournament, the Press Association news agency reported.
Mr Meier said he found the "overheated" reaction from the English media and fans hard to reconcile with the image he used to have of the country.
"I was always of the opinion that fair play in England is really important, and also the respect from the officials, but I never expected this reaction," he said.
"I hope that after the Euro and after some days, they forget something and I have my private life back."
Source
The English GK was so upset he jumped in front of an oncoming train...
...but it went between his legs.
Some of those are quite funny Clary. Did you dream them up yourself?
No! My son got them as an email from his 20 something friends in the hotel business! But I smiled a lot.
But Totnes, last time I looked was in England. Weren't people flying little St George crosses from their cars in Totnes? I get the impression from those jokes that its not hatred of football or "bad loser syndrome" that is expressed but hatred of English people. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I'm curious.
Hmmh, Totnes Town Football Club (5th in South Devon Premier League) got awarded a trophy for good conduct last saison.
That opens a wide field of speculations ... :wink:
Hatred of English fans who spoil it for so many, and surely, disappointment with lacklustre performances...
Yes, EVEN Totnes had those St George flags; but healthy patriotism and love of fair play has been mixed up with the right-wing, little-Englander, xenophobic position now, so it's difficult to separate them. In a Devon newpaper a few weeks ago was an article about a foreign student being set on by rowdy drunk English youths, and next to it (a different story but the image stuck) a photo of an English fan with face painted and all the rest. We have a lot of foreign students in our school of English, and they have attracted disgusting aggression in some places (NOT Totnes which is a haven of peace and love
)
Well I know what you mean. But we are all to some extent tarred with the same brush. The English people who do these things out of a distorted and often drunken sense of patriotism are still English. Much as its tempting to do so, you can't just disown them. Don't we all have a responsibility for the sort of behaviour our society produces in its young people? You probably think I'm talking now like some sociology lecturer from Luton university, but my point is simply this; .... and at this point I have decided to get some shopping and think exactly what my point is..to be continued:)
You've got to start by making sport a diversion, instead the centre of so many people's lives. It does seem to be a bigger problem with soccer than with any other sport, and it's not just confined to England.
BTW, the jokes are hilarious.
The liddle-ittty-bitty Eur-a-peein' countries is so cute when they get all het up and rowdy like that . . .
....that we bear some collective responsibility. And I don't like racist jokes, even if they are about the English.
Quote:The liddle-ittty-bitty Eur-a-peein' countries is so cute when they get all het up and rowdy like that . . .
...of course we shipped out the real oinks to the colonies. That way it leaves more time to enjoy gentlemanly leisure pursuits like football.
Our thermonuclear penis i bigger than your thermonuclear penis . . . so there . . .
Oh yeah?
You wanna talk big rockets? You'd still be messing around with Chinese firecrackers if it wasn't for the help you got from us Europeans in the persons of H. Dipl.Ing. Werner von Braun and his merry bunch of nazi space enthusiasts.
And Enrico Fermi gave you the bomb to put on top.
Wilso wrote:You've got to start by making sport a diversion, instead the centre of so many people's lives. It does seem to be a bigger problem with soccer than with any other sport, and it's not just confined to England.
Yes, that's true, but unfortunately may be missing the point. If it weren't sport, it might be warfare or some other testosterone-rich anti-social activity.
Personally I'd like to see nude mud-wrestling for fans caught in violent situations, or even volunteering. Take all their clothes and weapons off them, turn them loose in a mudfilled stadium, and let them kick, bite and slither it out with one another - charging for admission if anyone chooses to watch!
Naw, Oppenheimer gave us the bomb, Erico Fermi gave us fusion bombs, so as more effectively to wantonly obliterate life and property.
Tom Lehrer, 1965: And what is it that put America in the forefront of the nuclear nations? And what is it that will make it possible to spend twenty billion dollars of your money to put some clown on the moon? Well, it was good old American know how, that's what, as provided by good old Americans like Dr. Wernher von Braun.
Wernher von Braun, by Tom Lehrer:
Gather 'round while I sing you of Wernher von Braun,
A man whose allegiance
Is ruled by expedience.
Call him a Nazi, he won't even frown,
"Ha, Nazi, Schmazi," says Wernher von Braun.
Don't say that he's hypocritical,
Say rather that he's apolitical.
"Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down?
That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun.
Some have harsh words for this man of renown,
But some think our attitude
Should be one of gratitude,
Like the widows and cripples in old London town,
Who owe their large pensions to Wernher von Braun.
You too may be a big hero,
Once you've learned to count backwards to zero.
"In German oder English I know how to count down,
Und I'm learning Chinese!" says Wernher von Braun.
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