I have an out-of-town client who I've been working with now for several years. They're not the brightest group nor the most professional and many on staff are perpetrating, in positions that they have no business in. I rarely deal with them directly and that's a good thing.
Our liason, I'll call her Jane, is an extremely professional writer/marketing consultant pro who works very, very hard for them and assists, or tries to assist, the marketing department in all of their endeavors. The company has grown and expanded greatly since her arrival eight years ago. Her value to the organization is absolutely uncontested.
On the other hand, Jane is pushy, nervy, has a know-it-all attitude that can be insulting at times (she and I fall out at least twice a year), and she's attractive and showy. In other words, she's very easy NOT to like and most on staff, men and women, do not care for her. I've known and worked with Jane for over twenty years and I know she can be extremely difficult to take at times but she's good at what she does and she'll work her fingers to the bone for a client, usually with outstanding results. But every account exec that comes into this company ends up disliking Jane and of course she can't stand them because they're stupid and/or jealous. The relationships are cordial and, for the most part, professional, but touchy, on the verge of eruption at any moment.
After eight years, this has taken it's toll on Jane and she's at the point now where every criticism for our work is a personal attack on her. If the marketing director does not like a concept presented by her, he's an asshole. If a product manager questions a choice we've made, it's because she's jealous of Jane or she's stupid or inexperienced. It's gotten so out of hand at this point that in Jane's twisted perspective of it all, she's not allowing the client to be the client. She calls me and spends most of our talk time raking everyone in the company over the coals and all she's really doing is feeding off of this poisonous attitude and doing herself more harm than good.
What can I say to her? Not only am I worried about her losing this account, I'm worried about her physical and mental well-being. She gets so worked up about everything and now it takes much of nothing for her to go completely off and start ranting and raving. In the meantime, her homelife is unpleasant, she and her husband of almost thirty years are not doing so well, haven't been doing so well for a number of years now, and the level of stress she's under, self-inflicted for the most part, is great, to say the least.
What can I say to her? Not only as a business partner but as a friend? This is my biggest account, her ONLY account, and altho' I feel pretty certain that, if she does lose the account, they will come to me with an offer, working there without her would not produce the same high caliber of creativity. The work will suffer. Tremendously.
If she could just learn to relax and not take it all so personally. Does it seem too late for an attitude adjustment?
Sheesh. All I can suggest, whether you want to do it or not is tell her don't worry, I'll handle this for you, and do it.
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jespah
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 01:07 pm
Oy. Her problems, as you hint, go beyond work.
Of course she needs to lighten up, and usually the people who need to do so are the ones who will bite your head off if you suggest it. I also think suggesting counseling, however needed, would backfire - she'd just start saying you were jealous, yadda, yadda, yadda and in the meantime she would't get help and things would be worse for you. So that's no good, either.
Could you, perhaps, suggest that she consider taking some time off? Nothing long, maybe just a day or two? If she is as stressed as you say, it's possible that she hasn't taken much time lately and/or it hasn't been satisfying. Or how about, "You look a little tired. I'll finish up here. Why don't you head home?" It'll have to be delicately handled, but it might help.
Most people can handle stress if it occurs in either their home life or their work life, but handling it in both areas is a recipe for disaster. You can't change her home life but you can spot her a tiny bit at work. Nothing much, don't overdo it, or it'll backfire as she'll think you want the account all to yourself.
And, of course, you're not responsible for any of this, so I'm just suggesting little things and not major steps. You can be a friend, but don't be her therapist, even if she wants you to.
Oh, and another thing, would it work if you told her you don't want to talk about raking people in the company over the coals. Just say, you don't want to gossip about people. And make it stick. Or would that make things worse? I find that when I shut off the gossip engine, it tends to not start up again.
Good luck, though, oy, it can't be easy.
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eoe
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 01:20 pm
I should add that she's a control freak. I've tried to take the load off as best I could but she doesn't want that because then she would not be in control.
I'm just afraid that the woman is heading for a stroke. Or a nervous breakdown. She's very strong in mind and spirit but the situation keeps getting worse, not better, and she keeps getting older, not younger.
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Noddy24
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 01:37 pm
Thinking.
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eoe
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 01:57 pm
I know that sometimes, most times, we have to let people stew in their own juices and we just don't have the power to help, no matter how badly we may want to. But this is like watching a train wreck, or seeing one coming around the bend and altho' I may lose a toe, she stands to lose a whole lot more.
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jespah
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 03:40 pm
Oof, sounds like you need to step back and, unfortunately, watch this happen. Of course, if she says, "I'm taking off for the day", support her if it's workable for you (don't tie yourself into knots over this, of course). But otherwise, I just can't think of anything you can do which wouldn't trigger a blowup.
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eoe
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 04:02 pm
Unfortunately (maybe not...) I'm in another part of the country. I can't take over for her. She took a much-needed five-day excursion to Jamaica a few weeks ago and said she had a wonderful time but once she returned and got back to work, it was like she'd never left. She got into a blow-up with an account exec about a week ago and she's still steaming about that, insisting that they're out to make her life miserable. The biggest problem I see is that she's taking it way too personally at this point and allowing the opinions of even the interns and entry-level people to get to her.
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Noddy24
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 04:19 pm
Eoe--
Unfortunately, all you can do is sit in your office and vibrate serenity her way--unless you want to co-opt the some of the gangster talents of some of the A2K members and kneecap her.
I'm afraid it will be a long, hot summer.
Hold your dominion.
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eoe
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 05:19 pm
Knee-cap her? Why would I want to do that, Noddy? The woman's got enough problems without a friend/partner turning on her too.
Somebody take that tommy gun out of Miss Thing's hands please. She's becoming dangerous!
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ossobuco
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 06:20 pm
Jespah, I think eoe meant that the raking over the coals is re the people in the client company (not positive of that though.)
Eoe, I wouldn't want to suggest that she read this thread, as that would probably really set her off, but what you say is very clear to me, re that she needs to stop reacting to everything in such a personal way... I wish you could lay out for her what you have for us, in a way that she would listen.
I take it you are not her boss, or are you? You are peers and really friends, despite a history of some difficulties between you, right? I have a similar friend; at one point we didn't speak at work in the same large room for months.. she was eventually fired, and that was none of my doing. Sometime later she called, we had lunch, and remain friends, it now being about fifteen years later. The situation wasn't the same, but I understand some of the push/pull you feel. This friend of minr also tended to go on warpaths.
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Noddy24
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 06:47 pm
Eoe--
After knee capping, she'd have an enforced vacation. This woman (and the rest of the workforce) obviously could use some time out.
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eoe
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Mon 28 Jun, 2004 09:03 pm
Oh no, noddy. We're at an age now where coming back from a knee-capping would prove quite difficult and without lifelong complications. You know, some injuries you never come back from once you hit 50.
No, I'm not her boss, osso. She likes to think that she's my boss but I set her straight about that just a few weeks ago. (Our first brawl of the year) We've been working together since 1983 and we are friends as well. I've talked to her in the past about the situation with our client and the personal situation with her husband but both have, week after month after year, simply escalated and gone from bad to worse. She's always managed to hold it all together but for the last six months or so, the situation with our client has become more difficult with the hiring of a very vocal assistant fresh out of school. For some reason, Jane is letting this kid get to her. And that's only thrown gas on the dicey relationships she has with the other product managers and the head of marketing, who really is an idiot, as Jane says. But he's the client so...
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Tidewaterbound
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Thu 5 Aug, 2004 06:13 pm
eoe, that your situation with Jane is highly uncomfortable is obvious. Jespah is right about the recommendation for counselling. Although that likely would be the very best option for her to take, she doesn't sound like the type who would be open to it. The only other option that might work would be for her boss, one that can actually fire her, take her aside into a private meeting and let her know her behavior is not acceptable. This could backfire and she could quit which I doubt you want. But it could give her a real scare and lower her thermostat for a while. You have a nasty dilemma on your hands.
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eoe
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Thu 5 Aug, 2004 07:21 pm
Things have been much quieter lately. She's spoken with the company's owner who's behind her, considering the money he's made because of her expertise, so, she feels empowered now and alot more appreciated. Which is a good thing. I just hope she doesn't go overboard with this new connection and make a nuisance of herself.
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Tidewaterbound
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Thu 5 Aug, 2004 07:42 pm
eoe, that's definitely good news. I'm glad to hear things have gotten better.
:d
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eoe
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Thu 5 Aug, 2004 07:50 pm
Thanks.
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sozobe
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Thu 5 Aug, 2004 08:32 pm
I only just saw this -- the first thing I think of is that the problems with her husband are behind all the rest of it. A 30-year marriage, not doing well -- that's a backdrop of stress that could easily affect everything else.
And of course, not something you can do anything about.
Glad things have calmed down for now.
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eoe
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Thu 5 Aug, 2004 08:51 pm
Her personal life does have a bearing on the problems she has in her professional life but even when things were good between her and her man, she was still a difficult personality and there were many who didn't care for her. It's only gotten worse as she's gotten older.
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