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Wed 7 Jan, 2015 08:07 am
I met a wonderful man on a dating site, where I assumed he was ready, willing, and able to date. After a few meet ups he opened up more about losing his wife to a two year illness six months ago.( I knew before we met that he was a widower) I was concerned and told him I did not want to put myself out there and risk getting hurt because he and his 3 teenage sons were still grieving. He assured me that the manner in which he and his late wife had prepared the family, that they had closure and his children had given their blessing for him to date. I must have been very naive but I did accept this explanation. A few red flags were that his long time friends ( primarily wives of his friends) stated the group was not ready for him to date. He told me he spoke to his mother ( they are very close ) and she encouraged him to date as well and thought he might have to slowly move from this circle of friends. After a month and a half of serious courting that led to a beautiful New Years getaway, he announced upon his return ( in a TEXT message that hurt and shocked me ) that his boys sat him down and told him they were definitely not ready. And that he could not see me, it would only get harder for him and needs to focus on his boys. By this I was not surprised having children myself. I was shocked that he did not pick up the phone or meet me for coffee to discuss the situation, I feel rather used. I do however understand the situation as a whole, and I do want what is best for the grieving family. I know if we start out on rocky ground we will never make it..But I have really started falling for this man, and I told him to go be a Dad and that I was not going anywhere. But I am beside myself right now and do not know if he will ever reach out to me again, even as friends. He told me when we finally spoke that he did not expect me to wait, but he would reach out to me when things were better.He could not give a time frame.....I am so very hurt...but I do not want to be selfish and at the same time I need to be kind to myself..
@travelgirl1970,
The text message thing is very disappointing, but other than that there is a lot of good communication going on in your story. People are talking about where they are in the process, sons with father, mother with son, you and him. Keep that up. Call him, talk about your feelings and his, get some closure and then go live your life. If he comes back around, great, but you can't make something happen if he is not really available.
@engineer,
Well since that final exchange after New Years he has not reached out again-not even to see if I was alright..Which clearly, I am wounded. I am a big girl and will be alright, I guess its a learning experience..I am also just trying to process this...
@travelgirl1970,
Take the high road, give him a call and get closure. His children forced him to make a painful call. I'm sure he is pretty upset and not thinking too clearly either. Show him you are the classy woman he thinks you are.
@engineer,
Well we did speak after I insisted I deserved better than a text message, he made it clear where he stood. I am not sure how me calling again would make any difference, and I certainly do not want to appear clingy or needy. He needs space, and I guess I need to figure out how long I can be the "lady in waiting" for him to call. I am confused why he cannot even handle a friendship, I travel quite a bit and have an active circle of friends so he is not my mainstay social life. He is a great guy, however, how he handled this leaves me feeling it may be an indication of how he would handle future uncomfortable situations. I have spent along time working on me and making sure I was solid and ready for a relationship, sad this was my first attempt out the gate. Thank you for all your helpful advice and your ear.
@travelgirl1970,
I think you've done your part then. Enjoy life and maybe your paths will cross again.
Six months is the "crash" time (At least I think it is)
Everyone has gone home and stopped talking about it and so there is the rush (by the family) to protect the memories and preserve the past. This is all about grieving. The children are still in denial and it's really too much for them to handle Dad dating! Besides - it's the holiday.
So . . . I wonder WHY he was on a dating site and WHY he had to tell his kids that he was even "seeing" anyone. After my husband died, I kept my private adult life private and my kids did not need to know anything about when I "went out with friends" - don't ask and don't tell.
He needs to assert his "adult" rights in the home. But at the same time, don't put it into his kids' faces that he is "dating seriously" or even seeing someone special.
(Re: the drop. Could that have been an excuse for him not to continue seeing you? Just wondering, since HE felt he was ready for companionship, yet he uses an excuse that he must follow what OTHERS tell him as to when and where.)
The text was immature and hurtful. (Little boy gets pushed around a lot?)
@PUNKEY,
Valid points.....He says he will seek me out when things calm down, but wants to "set me free" out of fairness. We text a few more times today as I continue to process this...He says his feelings are real, he is so sorry for the manner in which he did it, and admitted he was careless with not only my feelings but his sons....Honestly I do not know what to think..
@travelgirl1970,
On another note, I have now peaked at his kids social media as well as his mother's ( who he stated supported us ) and almost all still have his late wife as either the profile pic or somewhere visible, I am wondering if he really did talk to them about us or dating...I will probably never know..I really let my guard down and I am feeling very foolish but yet not entirely convinced he did any of this on purpose....
@engineer,
engineer wrote:
I think you've done your part then. Enjoy life and maybe your paths will cross again.
This is good advice. Six months is too soon.
I dated a six month widowed man. Used me and dumped me because he had to do what's good for his kids. ( assume I was not good). Kids are an excuse to use and throw because I am sure he is still in dating websites. Kids had no issues taking my money and gifts. Those were not so bad huh
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