New mom BEGGING for advice

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I am a new mom to a 3 month old girl. She was 3 1/2 weeks early so she lags behind on the development 'scale'...I don't believe she does, but according to doctors she is a step behind. Anyways , as my responsibility as a parent I have to provide the best I can for her. I want to give her everything in the world and beyond ( like any parent ) . My reservations bother me though, I have had many pregnancies.. only 2 survived. The other one I gave up for adoption because I was only 18. A fear of children and failure has bored itself into my brain through my allowance and now I am afraid it will hinder my abilities as a mother to my child. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent. But yet , I still feel like I don't do everything I should. Is this normal? What things can I do to help her learn, read, talk, develop etc... ? Is it normal to be "scared" of your child? I mean .. scared of what they will learn from you that you may not want or things like that? I am always looking for new ideas on children and parenting. If anyone has been in my shoes , or can understand and has some advice.. I would greatly appreciate it. Smile

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Unfortunately in Mobile America where families are small and scattered and role models may be hard to come by, parenting is often a learn-by-doing experience.

This can be very stressful for a conscientious mother.

Remember, you wouldn't be worrying if you weren't conscientious. Unfortunately paralysis by love is as frightening as any other sort of paralysis.

In my day (young mother, far from any family) Dr. Spock was a great comfort. Check out baby books at the library and decide which one suits you best. Believe me, they will all tell you that premies catch up--by any standards.

You confess:

Quote:

What things can I do to help her learn, read, talk, develop etc... ? Is it normal to be "scared" of your child? I mean .. scared of what they will learn from you that you may not want or things like that? I am always looking for new ideas on children and parenting. If anyone has been in my shoes , or can understand and has some advice.. I would greatly appreciate it.

First: Talk to your daughter. Tell her she is beautiful and clever, although sometimes exasperating. Tell her about the weather....her new blue outfit....her extraordinarily messy diaper....what you're having for dinner....all about fire engines....when her father will be home.

She'll learn the sounds of the English language, that she is a person worth talking to and eventually she'll pick up some facts about the weater and her wardrobe and extraordinary messes and dinner menus....

Second: To my mind, three months is old enough to be read to. Find a good book of nursery rhymes (here again, the library is a wonderful place to preview books) and settle down at least once a day for five or ten minutes for a bouncing, hammy reading session. Don't worry about your dignity--you're letting your daughter know that books are fun.

By the time the snow flies, your baby girl will be a mobile monster. Teach her by your attitude that curiosity is a good thing--although many delightful objects are out-of-bounds.

Meanwhile, you have a summer for walks. Some mothers are shy about having long, loud conversations with babies in public. If you are, save the explanations until you get home. Meanwhile, let her look; city or country or even in the tedium of suburbia there is a lot to see.

Enjoy. Share. Admire. Voila! You'll be super mom.

Hold your dominion.

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The book, "What To Expect The First Year" was a good one for me. Just keep in mind that all children do not develop at the same rate. That's just as true at 3 months as it is at 10 years (my son's age.) Most kids will be ahead of the curve in some things and behind in others...at all ages. Each one has his/her own "right time" to do things.

I agree wholeheartedly with Noddy. The very fact that you're asking these questions means you're a good mother. Don't worry about how you will handle her at 6 months or 6 years or even 16. Just do what needs to be done today. Enjoy her as much as possible at each stage as it comes. What a gift you've been given...you get to show her the world!

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I highly recommend the books by William and Martha Sears. Here is their website:

www.askdrsears.com

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Thank you so much for the suggestions and advice. Both books ( what to expect the first year....and Dr Spock )) are on my nightstand and in my baby's crib! Very Happy

Both have been wonderful references. The one common answer I hear among all who I ask is to trust my instincts. So.. logical deduction ... thats the way to go. !! Besides, noone but myself and my husband know my baby the way we do and we know what is best for her and I know what is right for her. Not any doctor, psychologist..etc. I just wish , not only for myself but all women, that trusting your instincts would not be such a questionable thing. We as women and mothers have done nothing BUT survive on instincts when it came to our children for MILLIONS of years. And as a race we are still here. SO there cant be anything wrong with it. Easier said then done. Confused

I always wonder where/when/how we ever learned to question maternal instincts , back track on judgement calls and allow complete strangers ( Doctors, psychologists etc..) tell us what to do with our children. Seems like the later is the norm...so much so... the only way to learn and get great answers about your children is to ask experienced mothers. Smile

Thank you ... for your help. It may not seem like much , but it just made my day! Now I am off to share the love with jillian. Smile

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Great advice from Noddy! More about reading to your baby ... when my daughter was pregnant, I read an article in a magazine about a woman who started reading to her baby when he was just days old. She continued to read to him every day, and it seemed to enhance his development with language, learning about objects, letters, words and just having that special time every day. I passed the article on to my daughter and she did the exact same thing. By the time my grandson was 3, he was starting to read and was interested in so many things. I believe much of his intelligence started when he was 2 days old and saw his first book. So read, communicate, talk ... it's so important.

Here's a bit of advice I once got from my very wise aunt ... love your child, no matter what!

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My mother read to me for 1 hour every day of my life until I could read to her. I was 3 when we switched places. Just that ALONE I contribute to the bulk of my IQ. What a wonderful gift she gave me. I too already read to my child. If I am not reading, I am having a continuous conversation. Like talking about the door i just closed and why...now where did I put.....I love that color.....see the cat in the yard......yesterday i went to .... just keep talking about everything she already sees. Even if it is mumble jumbo to her... I really get a kick out of it. You really do REdiscover the world when you have a child.

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This may be completely irrelevant to your qualms and worries, but just in case.....

From the current issue of Newsweek

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Re: New mom BEGGING for advice

shewolfnm wrote:

I am a new mom to a 3 month old girl. She was 3 1/2 weeks early so she lags behind on the development 'scale'...I don't believe she does, but according to doctors she is a step behind. Anyways , as my responsibility as a parent I have to provide the best I can for her. I want to give her everything in the world and beyond ( like any parent ) . My reservations bother me though, I have had many pregnancies.. only 2 survived. The other one I gave up for adoption because I was only 18. A fear of children and failure has bored itself into my brain through my allowance and now I am afraid it will hinder my abilities as a mother to my child. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent. But yet , I still feel like I don't do everything I should. Is this normal? What things can I do to help her learn, read, talk, develop etc... ? Is it normal to be "scared" of your child? I mean .. scared of what they will learn from you that you may not want or things like that? I am always looking for new ideas on children and parenting. If anyone has been in my shoes , or can understand and has some advice.. I would greatly appreciate it.

Goodness - no wonder you have some doubts and fears (apart from the usual ones being a parent brings!) - to have dealt with the choice of surrendering a child, plus many pregnancies which ended sadly - and then a little prem baby - even though she is not very prem - no wonder fears of "failure" - however irrational - are there. It is common to feel you these things in your circumstances - and a fear of relaxing into loving this little girl in case you lose her, too. It is also natural for you, perhaps, to be reliving the earlier griefs and normal in the circumstances, but irrational, feelings of self-blame and not being good enough.

I am wondering if there are specific things that you fear your little girl will learn from you? Patterns, perhaps, that you don't want to repeat? If so, being mindful of these is a good start - I admire your desire to find other ways of doing things - again, if you find these patterns (if they are there and negative) developing, that can be a good time to reach out to other mums, or books, or groups, or a counsellor to help you find ways you like better to be a parent.

Of course you do not have to be perfect! Just good enough - which means getting it normally, humanly, right, often enough.

If your fears are crippling, then Noddy has good advice for you. That can be a signal you need some support (and you deserve it, as does your little girl, if you have feelings which are really getting in between you and your daughter) - but SOME fear and doubt is thunderingly normal.

What can you do to maximise her development? BE with her - respond to her - to her distress by helping her with what she needs, by soothing, - responding to her overtures to interact - it is the quality of your attending, your responding, your daily rhythms and rituals, at this stage, that mean the most to her and to her little developing brain and personality. Your loving gaze, your mirroring of her feelings, your reliability in being there when she needs you, your ability to contain and manage her emotions when they are too much for her - to enjoy her awakening engagement with the world. You just being the loving sensitive mum you seem to be is exactly what she needs - not some special techniques or anything, right now - just you - and any other loving people who are there for her - and you.

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shewolfnm wrote:

My mother read to me for 1 hour every day of my life until I could read to her. I was 3 when we switched places. Just that ALONE I contribute to the bulk of my IQ. What a wonderful gift she gave me. I too already read to my child. If I am not reading, I am having a continuous conversation. Like talking about the door i just closed and why...now where did I put.....I love that color.....see the cat in the yard......yesterday i went to .... just keep talking about everything she already sees. Even if it is mumble jumbo to her... I really get a kick out of it. You really do REdiscover the world when you have a child.

There - look at your "instincts" at work! You are doing wonderful things with her! The words may be mumbo jumbo to her, at this stage, but the communication is not! She is in your mind, and she knows she is.

Was your mother like this with you? Sounds as though she was.

I fear I have over-reacted to some of the things you said - I wondered if you were telling us that you felt really bad, and that there may have been some very negative parenting that you received.

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No, your reaction is exact. The parenting I received shows in my nature. So most of it was great ( if I say so myself :wink: ) The negative parenting IS what I fear to repeat. Not saying that I will ever intentionally repeat some of the examples I received as a child ( horrible example.. step father...sexual issues and me a 6 yr old kid.. get the idea? ) Never in a million years will i repeat those type of things. But those things in respect created and molded who I am today. They are engrained in my being...like it or not. And the result of some things I should have never had happen and things I should have never learned turned me into someone who regarded drugs and other things as welcome almost normal escapes. THAT is what I don't want to teach her. I don't do drugs anymore. I still have at least half my brain left... (( At least that is what I feel when I stick my finger in my ear )) But the ability and the pattern of accepting drugs as an escape is the sort of ' bad parenting ' I don't ever want to show her. But, as I said.. that behavior and that concept is part of my person. Nothing I can do about it will change it, I just don't engage in it . And since it is a trait I can not locate / pin point / extract...etc.. How do you not teach it? Things and habits like smoking are easy not to hand on. Just don't do it and you wont raise a smoker ( about 80% of the time ) . But drugs for example are a coping mechanism of the utmost that doesn't have to be active in your life currently to pass on the use of...... Am i making sense?

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Oh yes, you're making sense.

Okay, you're not perfect. None of us is. We all have to sift through our experiences and decide which ones should & shouldn't be passed on. We try to be perfect parents, but there really is no such thing. The best thing you can do is exactly what you're doing...setting a good example. (And, if I might add, knowing as much as you do about the "bad" things gives you a leg up in recognizing if a child starts drifting that way.)

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shewolfnm - You are right when you say using drugs is a coping mechanism. However, I wouldn't consider it a trait - it's more a "learned habit." The drug situation out there is extremely scary, and the best you can do is teach your little one the difference between right and wrong. Always keep the communication between the two of you wide open. It gets more difficult as they get older, but even though it's not always easy, it can be done.

Right now, keep on doing what you're doing. I think your baby is lucky to be wanted, loved and cared for. That's more than many babies get these days!

I'm so sorry for all the pain you must have gone through as a child. But it sounds like you have overcome that as much as possible, and I admire you for it. You've learned from the past mistakes of others. You sound happy, and you have a terrific sense of humor! Stick your finger in your ear again. I think you'll find much more than half a brain! Laughing

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Since you're clean and sober right now, you've escaped that sort of escape. Think: Are you more or less likely to fall into a bear trap if you know the bear trap is there?

Besides, I predict that at some point in the next 13 to 18 years your daughter will inform you that you are an Old Fogy who Does Not Understand. Not that she'll be headed for hell in a handbasket, but she will delight in you thinking that she might.....

Teenagers are another story--and you and your daughter will know each other much better by that time.

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Well...as a teenager , if she IS headed to hell in a hand basket... I better get to work on sewing that MF now... hehehe. I want her to ride in styyyyyyle!!!! Laughing

The though of her calling me a 'fuddy duddie' makes me laugh. She is in her swing next to me taking her afternoon nap. Somehow.. I cant see those words ever escaping her lips. Maybe 'old as dirt' or -old fashioned- hehe.. fuddie duddie? nah.. all I would do is laugh at her.
The one thing I never did think of.. the 'been there done that ' knowledge I have gained in my life really will make me a pretty tuff mama. I WILL be able to see the hard curves before they happen and maybe I can cushion her enough before she hits them too hard so she comes out unscathed. I think I do deserve that "WOnder Mommie " outfit I have in my closet.... Fitting it is another subject in and of itself.. I dont see a place in this little outfit to put rocks in socks??? oh wait.. those arent socks.. those are my tits. Oh well.. Supermommie.... AAWWAAAYYY ... hahahahah! Thanks alot. Very Happy

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shewolfnm wrote:

No, your reaction is exact. The parenting I received shows in my nature. So most of it was great ( if I say so myself :wink: ) The negative parenting IS what I fear to repeat. Not saying that I will ever intentionally repeat some of the examples I received as a child ( horrible example.. step father...sexual issues and me a 6 yr old kid.. get the idea? ) Never in a million years will i repeat those type of things. But those things in respect created and molded who I am today. They are engrained in my being...like it or not. And the result of some things I should have never had happen and things I should have never learned turned me into someone who regarded drugs and other things as welcome almost normal escapes. THAT is what I don't want to teach her. I don't do drugs anymore. I still have at least half my brain left... (( At least that is what I feel when I stick my finger in my ear )) But the ability and the pattern of accepting drugs as an escape is the sort of ' bad parenting ' I don't ever want to show her. But, as I said.. that behavior and that concept is part of my person. Nothing I can do about it will change it, I just don't engage in it . And since it is a trait I can not locate / pin point / extract...etc.. How do you not teach it? Things and habits like smoking are easy not to hand on. Just don't do it and you wont raise a smoker ( about 80% of the time ) . But drugs for example are a coping mechanism of the utmost that doesn't have to be active in your life currently to pass on the use of...... Am i making sense?

Aaah - I worried it might be something like that. Good on you for learning to cope differently!! I wonder what qualities you have that enabled you to survive the trauma? I wonder what strengths you have that you were able to use to turn that around? Perhaps these qualities and strengths are things that you ARE likely to help your daughter develop? To pass on to her?

Drugs are a common problem for folk with childhood trauma, sadly. I do not know that this is something we can "pass on". Hopefully, your daughter will never suffer such trauma. Do you feel that you have a good radar for "wrong" people? That you will be able to create an open relationship with her where she can come to you with anything? That you and your husband will be able to talk to her about such things when it is appropriate for you to do so? That you can help her to feel loved and secure? These are the best protections we know against such things - but, as you know, the best parents cannot always stop all harm! What they CAN do , though, is provide a secure base and support if ever harm happens. But she is there and safe and happy right now - and you can help her build roots strong enough to withstand storms.

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Congrats to you and your daughter! The fact that you are worrying about these things already shows your going to be, and are, a great mommy. One thing caught my attention however,

Quote:

She was 3 1/2 weeks early so she lags behind on the development 'scale'...I don't believe she does, but according to doctors she is a step behind.

Besides, noone but myself and my husband know my baby the way we do and we know what is best for her and I know what is right for her. Not any doctor, psychologist..etc.

i'm assuming by this, you mean her personality, eating habits, etc. As pediatricians and the like do actually study when they are in school. I don't know how familiar you are with the human anatomy, but I assure you, your daughter's pediatrician knows the anatomy, illnesses, etc. of children and babies overall better than you do. I'm sure he/she didn't say that your daughter was behind to be rude or mean. I know it's difficult to hear something like that about the joy of your life, but don't dismiss it. Instead ask what can be done, etc. Although you may not like it, it is one way you could help your daughter. Good luck and God bless!! Very Happy

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Yeah , when I said 'lags behind' I ment that what a one month old WOULD be doing , she WILL do in a few weeks. Due to her early arrival her development is not as exact as her doctor would like it to be but that is typical of premies. I didnt think he was rude.. or anything like that.. just thought it was a wierd thing for him to say. She wouldnt be a step behind if she wasnt early... and that isnt her fault!! hahahaha
But with that few week difference she is perfect. Everything she should be doing physically , mentally etc.. she is doing fine ! I found it wierd that babies actually DO develop more on the time scale of thier actual due date. I thought.. a month was a month was a month when it came to babies. Boy was I wrong! :-)

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Shewolf, Its been a month...how are things progressing with the baby? Also, I love the advice Noddy gave in the very beginning. Perfect thing to say.

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Hello everyone-

What great advice from all of you!
Shewolf-
My niece who was 4 weeks early just turned 2 today. She is bright, strong, very loving and her comprehension far surpasses most kids her age. I'm sure yours will be just fine. When I was pregnant with my first and only child I had similar concerns as yours. Every now and then I thought "I have no idea how to raise a child what am I doing". Your instincts will kick in right when you need them there's no need to worry, just enjoy, the time will fly and soon you will be watching videos of her and wishing you could shrink her back just for a day.

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New mom BEGGING for advice

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