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Tue 1 Jun, 2004 12:01 am
I am going through an ugly, messy divorce right now. I have two teen kids, a 13 year old daughter and 17 year old son. I have always kept my work schedule very low to be home to deal with them. My kids aren't these easy type. A babysitter doesn't cut it. My kids need an armed guard!! I only worked part time, like maybe two days and sometimes three, if needed.
You do what you have to sometimes. I couldn't apply for a job, until my face healed. If I couldn't care less if I got a job or not, I would have found one in a second. I did find one, with health care benefits and with a big pay cut. Beggars can't be choosy and this will look fantastic on resume, once I learn the job. I think that I am going to be ok, without my parents giving me any more money. I might have a few late pays, but can pay, finally. This job is killing me, with home problems and teen kids alone working second shift, but I am trying.
Not that my parents couldn't afford to buy and sell me, at this point in their lives. They are 70 and 72 and can't take it with them and I know it, but feel guilt for taking the sums of cash given to me, for supporting an expensive house and two teen kids. We all share these values. The money is a gift, from my parents and made conditional. They made it very clear that every cent will be resented, if I ever allow my husband back into my life, because of years of neglect toward these kids and abusive behavior, which the correctly find unacceptable.
Problem: I feel guilt taking money from my parents without paying them back. This problem was unexpected and I was, and still am, in horrible shape to concentrate on anything. I want to pay them back, but I have no idea how much they gave me. I know this ranks up there because this house and bills are far from cheap.
Should I try to figure out an approximate amount of money and start making payments to my parents? I don't know that they will accept it. They want their money to buy the strings attached, as always. They will make me pay, not with money, if I dare to take my husband back. I believe this is what they want their money to buy. Their help is much appreciated.
Should I leave it alone? Maybe they feel good, at their age, that they were financially able to help me. We never lived with much money. We had everything we needed and some things we wanted, but were always forced to evaluate wants from needs. We all know how to start the fire to warm the house, in the morning also. I help my dad with wood, fearing he will hurt his back. It isn't really about money, but personal responsibility and waste nothing. They may want the strings attached to make sure I will never accept my husband back into our lives and do not wish to be paid back to insure this.
Again, they are financially well off these days. My dad was a phone man, who climbed phone poles in the dead of winter with union labor. My mother did not work after marriage, but times have changed, but my parents have not. Believe it or not, my dad was the oldest guy to even be able to climb phone poles and dig up underground phone lines and repair them in the Cincinnati Bell area. They bought him out, in lump sum, before the market skyrocketed. They made a fortune off of this and their saved money, over the years.
I feel guilty taking money from them, but had to. I didn't even hit a break even point with my investments, that wouldn't last too long and are a frozen asset, due to my request that my husbands 401k and retirement be frozen. My mother knows I have some money in investment, but doesn't know the hit I took or the fact that I cannot touch this money, with a pending divorce. She did ask me to cash out first. I said that I couldn't, but don't think she understands why, stock loss and frozen assets.
I have a full time job now. I'm trying very hard to adjust and live through it, despite my problems at home. I'm the new RN Nursing Supervisor. I am shortly able to have full health care benefits. I am one paycheck away from not needing my parents to pay bills for me and have accepted no further cash.
What do I owe my parents?
Re: How much money do I owe my parents with divorce?
Wildflower63 wrote:What do I owe my parents?
Your gratitude.
My Grandma used to say you should never get worked up over money, cause we can always get more money. She was far from rich; lived most of her life in a tiny house of about 800 square feet and bought a car about once every 25 years. But she had some money if someone in the family needed some.
When you get back on your feet, and GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT HOUSE, then you can talk to them about paying them back. Odds are, since they don't need it and will be giving it to you eventually anyway; they aren't even going to want you to. If they do; it will likely be more about the "lesson" than the dough. Don't worry about it now. You have enough on your plate. Best wishes, Bill
That would solve the problem, somewhat. I have to rehab this place first or it will sell for nothing. My husband is an unemployed drunk. I am the only one who can afford it, with a paycheck and health insurance.
I would love to get rid of this house, but it wont sell, in this condition. In the meantime, my kids need a home, which is here and I can finally pay for it.
In due time, I will cheerfully walk away with cash sale of this place. I'm sick of the double property taxes, made recently. This place is expensive to support, with too many reminders.
I am working full time second shift and have two teens that wait for Mommy to tell them something as simple as clean up the cat barf. They are hindering me, not helping. They don't really get money at all, in an adult sense and think we should stay here, so they wont help me, just be another problem to solve.
Wow! You've got it rough girl! My mother has helped me quite a bit over the years as I am a single parent as well, but I know she would never take money from me if I tried to pay her back, which I've tried several times. Most parents do everything they can to help their kids and never expect anything in return. My situation is similar to yours and I feel your pain. I have a 17 year old son as well and I know how difficult it is getting them to help out, believe me, I know!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time.
P.S. My ex is also an unemployed, abusive drunk! Grrrrrrr!!!!!!
What do you owe your parents?
The same thing you owe your children and yourself - the sense to never speak to your husband again - the sense to help your children heal - the sense to get away from that house as soon as you can. Preferably before the market starts to move down (which is expected within the next 6 - 18 months in most of North America).
A question here--are you an only child?
This makes some difference in pay back ethics.
In any case, you have more important worries. For the moment, accept some loving pampering.
Instead of paying them money back, why not reciprocate in other ways? During holidays buy them more expensive and thoughtful gifts than what you had in the past. Do extra things for them - yard work, house cleaning, get them a weekend away some where
Spend more time with them - invite them over for dinner. I think they would appreciate this extra time and attention more than the money.
I have a situation where my parents care for my young children while I work. They do not accept payment for this, so we have bought them a new couch and dining room table when they needed it. Took them with us on vacation, as they have never traveled very far. Shovel their snow for them, etc. I think the appreciate this more than a check.
Sounds good, Linkat. There's all kinds of ways, outside of monetary, to pay back kindness.
Do things for them when you can. Something that you know they will appreciate more than money which you say they have enough of anyway.
Good luck to you, Wildflower.
I think you're okay with the advice you have seen. There was some old story about a guy who invested 1/3 of his income, spent 1/3, used 1/3 to pay back old debts. The investment was in his children, the spending was current expenses, and the final 1/3 was support of his parents, who had supported him in the past.
In terms of your title question, it sounds like you owe them less if you divorce than if you DON'T divorce. Consider the divorce and everything else (as ehBeth laid out) your down payment.
Look up the Seven Deadly Sins. You will find Pride among them and why. Then tell me I am a sponge of society when I am getting pounded from all ends to the point I would rather put a gun in my mouth.
If you have assets, forget it. I do have assets. I qualify for no help, although I need it desperately. What about us working people in times of need. I do mean temporary aid. I'm not some welfare mom who lives generation from generation on government handouts.
I need help NOW, but that is only reserved or people who have nothing. Why did I even bother furthering my education, buying a home, and making investments? Everyone else that didn't take such responsibility gets a free ride. I don't.
Don't you feel stupid or are you guilty of false pride?
Know what'cha mean Wildflower. I was getting desparate in college when I heard of a state program that would have helped a lot. Know what disqualified me? I was already enrolled, and thus, ineligible.
I think Wildflowers response was meant to go into another one of her threads.
Wildflower -
I've been through some rough times myself that I won't go into here. I honestly believe my saving grace was when I realized I wasn't a victim.
I know that in the midst of it all it is hard to see otherwise. It was a long road getting to that point of understanding. PM me if you like.
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