Hope for a 65 year old widow

cybergal--

There isn't much that you can say, but you can be sure that she's eating balanced meals and gets out of the house for both routine matters (errands, doctor's appointments, etc.) and for delightful adventures--movies, street festivals, museums, art exhibits.....

Can she babysit? Be a companion at a senior citizen center? Pick up litter? Do something that will make her feel like a useful person with a contribution to make.

You'll have to show her--not tell her, show her--how wonderful life can be.

After two years her thought patterns will be hard to change. Whatever you say I think it needs to be subtle because she won't appreciate anything that sounds like telling her how she should think or feel. I think I would point out that it makes you unhappy to know that you
cannot help her be happy. Try to turn her thoughts towards those she still has and how she is effecting them. But as I said - be subtle.

cybergal- Welcome to A2K!

It is always difficult when a spouse dies.......and grief is a normal reaction. After two years though, the expection is that a person would have moved on.

What kind of a person was she before your dad died? Was she very dependent on your dad? Did she have any interests of her own? What does she do now to spend her day?

It is possible that your mom is suffering from clinical depression. IMO, a thorough checkup from her doctor is in order.

Yep, sounds like a checkup is in order - hey it could even be another organic problem that is causing and/or exacerbating depression.

And the idea of showing her how good life is, that's a very good idea. Certainly it can't hurt to take her to a funny movie, or have her show you how she makes her special pot roast, or doing quilting with her or whatever it is that she enjoyed on her own before your Dad passed away. After all, if she was very dependent upon him, anything that reminds her too much of him might bring her raw emotions back up to the surface (I'm not saying that that's the worst thing in the world, but we're trying to make her feel better here, not confront her feelings of grief). So, what I mean is, her doing more independent types of things, or things which can feel like "girl's night" should be helpful.

And if you spend more time with her, and bring in friends and neighbors and other people who can also spend some time, that will also be helpful. You can't be with her 24/7, but the more people who are involved in her life, the more she will see that there is a lot out there and it's better to get out and be there, rather than sit alone at home, continually grieving.

My mom was very dependent on my dad. He was her whole life in many ways.

Didn't think about clinical depression.

I like the idea of showing instead of telling.

Thanks!

And therein lies her problem. Apparently she had never developed an identity of her own. She was always so and so's wife. There were probably things that he did for her, that she never had to learn to do for herself. Now she has to learn to stand on her own two feet. Right now, what she is telling you, is that she feels unable to cope on her own.

The way that you can be most helpful is by helping her to learn those things that will help to make her independent. What you DON'T want is for her to transfer her dependence on your dad to you.

Talk to her about the things she likes to do. Explore different hobbies. Is she able to handle the household finances, or do you do it for her? Listen to her, and try to discover the areas of life with which she has difficulty. Assure her that she is capable.

One of the problems of being dependent on a spouse, is that after awhile, the person may believe that they are incapable of doing certain things themselves. Show her that she CAN do, and that she IS capable.

VERY astute comment, Phoenix.