4 year old pretends to hate me!!

When she gives you the "I hate you speech" have you tried answering, "That makes me very sad because I love you very much." ?

I think your friend needs to take a hand here. Four years old is old enough to understand a bit about necessity. You are a necessity and entitled to civil treatment.

Obviously the kid would rather have her mother--but even at four she has no right to sling that "hate" word around, particularly when she's talking herself into a day of sadness at school.

This is not wholesome venting. This is a kid getting miserably drunk on the power of negative emotions.

Good luck.

The wise and awesome Noddy speaks.

What she said.

Dang. I'd be worried. Some hellified **** can go down when someone is suspected of child abuse.

I think I'd sit down with the kid and the mom, and try to get to the bottom of it. Have you told the mom you're concerned about what she and others may think, due to the kid's publicly displayed vehemence? I think Noddy is correct. Once you and mom establish what is behind Rude Kid's behavior, I'd ask the mom to try to impress upon the kid that sharing her feelings is a good thing, but there are acceptable ways of doing that--and unacceptable.

You are a necessity to that family, and should be spared this really bad treatment, IMO. Plus, the kid could use some lessons in communication. Noddy was on the mark, IMO.

You definitely should get the mom involved. Does the mom know how you feel? Have you tried to talk with the mom about this?

Generally I would have thought that 4-year olds don't keep up a pretense like this consistently and deliberately. Hate to say it but do you think it could be possible she really doesn't like you? I know you don't do anything to hurt her and you love her but everyone doesn't automatically like everyone else. She really might not like you - it can happen. Don't take offense at this fact. Kids can be very blunt. I was a bratty kid and if my neighbor came to visit while I wanted some alone-time with my Mom, I would brazenly tell her to leave. Luckily this woman understood me (brat that I was) and would leave and not be offended. My mom would die of embarrassment but she has since gotten used to me (at least I hope so).

Why not take a step back and lessen the amount of time you spend babysitting. If its a case that you have to do it to help out the mother, then why not chat with her to find a way to resolve it. Maybe for a short period someone else can do the babysitting, or the kids can be left at a daycare center. I am sure a couple of days of this if the kid is not happy with this, she can be informed well it's either this or being taken care of by you - which would she prefer?

Personally I don't know how you put up with it - I was an au pair for a year and I don't know how those two kids were alive after my year was up!

Thank you all for the advise. I have spoken to the mother, and well it seems that she only thinks it's funny, so you can imagine where her little girl is getting her attitude. I was thinking the next time I pick her up from school I will speak to the teacher, and tell her that, yes, the little one is sad because she misses her mother and she's mad at me because she thinks it's my fault her mom is never home. I don't want them to get the wrong idea, expecially since i'm going to school in the fall for Early Childhood Education. This little four year old can ruin my rep in a heart beat. I have also decided that once I start my new job (couple weeks) I will no longer babysit.
As for the young one not liking me, she adores me, I know she does. When ever i'm not around she's always asking her mom where I am, and wanting to phone me and such. Her mom says that I am her idol, she gets all the little cool things from me, but then over taken bad attitude from her mother.
Do you thinking speaking to the teacher would be a good idea? Am I going in the right direction?

I was actually going to say if you feel you know the teacher well enough, to speak with her. If she has lots of experience working with young children she could be a wealth of information for you. Also, she is a potential mentor seeing you are going into the same field. As a mom of a young child in Pre-K, I have spoken with her teacher about my daughter's behavior and ask her to help out.

Aside from all the good advice here, especially from Noddy, this mom needs to understand that this is NOT funny at all, and it needs to be dealt with. Clearly the child wants to please mommy in every possible way, and plays the 'hate' card as an outlet for her frustration that mommy isn't around. I would think that a firm talk from mom might help, if she can actually pull it together. If you try it, things will probably just get worse. A chat with the teacher wouldn't hurt either.

Great points cav. Also, perhaps even the mommy thinking this is funny is encouraging the behavior. Maybe mommy actually likes this attitude as it makes her mommy feel more secure in her child's feelings. Some mothers may really want to be at home with their children rather than work, but out of necessity have to work. I have heard some mothers feel their children will love their caregivers more than their mom.

Yep, that's true Linkat. I was basically raised by caregivers, but I didn't mind it so much. Maybe the trick has to be recognizing when your kid is just plain out of line regarding their attitude. I also think that if mom finds this behaviour funny, it definitely contributes to it, and fuels it. Mom should take a step back and ask herself, what happens when the lovely stand up for pessimism isn't around? What then?

sufp--

Eeeek! Horrors!

The Kid is unhappy because you are standing in for Mommie and Mommie thinks it is "funny" (probably also "cute") that the kid is expressing hate towards you.

Obviously Single Again Swinging Mommie is not a safe depository for overt hate or for any other negative feelings.

I'd guess on some level Mommie is jealous of your time with her kids and encouraging her daughter to express this jealousy to you.

In addition to her other possible flaws, Mommie seems to be a bit of a chicken.

By all means, involve the teacher. Perhaps if the teacher explains in words of O-N-E S-Y-L-L-A-B-L-E that from her point of view in her classroom that she has an unhappy child that Mommie will realize her child needs some changes made.

Meanwhile, you work on the "I'm sorry you hate me, because I love you," angle.

Keep an open mind about ceasing to baby sit. If your personal scheduling requirements mean that you wouldn't have time to do a good job and you MUST quit, start now to explain to both kids that change is coming because of choices you must make about your life and not because "I hate you" drove you away.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks again!

You all make good points about how her mother "should" take care of whats going on, and that is very very true, although I can't see that happening. She is like no mom I have seen before. She doesn't have the attitude of a real mom. SHe doesn't want to deal with the bad things in her childrens lives, in turn she tries to get me to do the dirty work. For example, they have an iguana, and well the young one ripped half of it's tail off, about 7 inches, and her mom says to me, "ohh please give her a talk later and tell her why she can't be doing this". She's always trying to pull stuff like that. Niether of her kids listen to her, but when I have them they are usually really good. Her son calls her a liar all the time, because she's constantly promising them things that never happen. The mom needs take a grip onto reality, and by me not babysitting anymore hopefully she'll get a little vie into it, although I think she'd just find someone else to raise her kids.

Yikes....bad mom. Trust the kids opinions. I'm smelling a future intervenion here. Definitely talk to the teacher

Yes, I do plan on talking to the teacher, but what do you suppose I say?

Trust your heart, STFP, that may be the most honest approach. Just express all your concerns, and see what comes of it.

Good advise cav, thanks!

I think you are getting a lot of good advice here. One thing that I will just add (as the mom of a four-year-old girl) is that for a four-year-old, being able to express that she doesn't like something/someone & not being punished for it is very important. And for a four-year-old, there isn't much of a line between "I don't like this" and "I hate you".

I know that my daughter will tell me that she hates me (because I am doing something unreasonable like making her brush her teeth), and then turn around 20 minutes later and tell me I'm the most lovable mommy she's ever loved. It sucks to hear, but I know that part of it is her testing the boundaries of what is acceptable to say. I always (well, almost always) tell her, "it hurts my feelings when you say that you hate me, but I still love you."

I am sure that she loves you. It's too bad that her mom isn't teaching her to say that to you as much as she tells you that she hates you.