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Employees and Friends- how do I find the right balance?

 
 
Reply Thu 6 May, 2004 09:14 pm
I am having a dilemma, I am a newly appointed manager of a small business of only 8 employees. All of the employees and myself have always been great friends, during and after work hours. I actually consider 2 of them VERY good friends. I have now come to the conclusion that I really can no longer be so close to them it is affecting the work environment and I think that these 2 people could even be considered toxic friends. So how do I wean myself from them (keep in mind we would socialize on avg 3x a week) without the bad feelings? Knowing that they are toxic should be reason enough for me not to want to socialize with them, but I am afraid of any hard feelings...I still do love them we have been friends for many years. Any ideas? Thanks alot
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,448 • Replies: 10
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 May, 2004 09:27 pm
Ooh, that's tough. I've been through something similar.

I think you can just say what you said here, and if you already consider them toxic it might even work out well to have the excuse. Just, you have found that it does not work well to be close friends with employees. Perhaps you can bring a higher-up into it (with the higher-up's permission) -- emphasize that there can't be "even an appearance of impropriety", hence not getting together to socialize, while you're still happy to be friendly with them in a general way at work.

Much easier to set these boundaries from the get-go then establish them after the fact, but that's what happens with internal promotions. Definitely talk to your boss for ideas. Your boss may be willing to be the bad cop to your good cop, and will probably at least have advice (as well as appreciating that you're willing to take this step to improve your and their performance.)

Good luck!
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 May, 2004 09:37 pm
Toxic friends and you still love them?

Sounds like you've got some sorting out to do of your own feelings about the situation before you mess everybody up. Is that blunt? Yup.
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 08:23 am
Well, the standard thing to do is, see these people less. Start to tell them you're busy (hey, you've been promoted, it's understandable). And stick to that. If you see them less and less, they won't be such close friends, and the situation will begin to right itself.
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Heeven
 
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Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 10:39 am
I work for someone I would call a personal friend. I have known her professionally for several years and during the course of our relationship we became good friends and socialize together. Recently I started working directly for her - she is now my manager - and I am fine with it. I treat her differently at work than I do as friends. I sort of put on my "job" hat when we are working and remove it when we are not. She does the same, for the most part. The only area I have a wee issue with is when she complains to me about other employees (my peers). While I love gossip as much as anyone else, I have found it a strain to hear these things she probably should not be revealing to me. I have tried to talk to her about it but I don't want to hurt her feelings because she is so stressed that she needs to vent to somebody and I am in a perfect position to understand. Unfortunately it is creating quite some frustration on my part since I often end up taking the slack from these other department staff that are not pulling their weight and she is not too good at handling staff issues.
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 12:13 pm
Heeven's use of the word "hat" is the way I've always dealt with this. I wear many hats. I am an extremely strict manager and tolerate very little dissention... on the job. I also take the employees out for drinks after work and even encourage them to "bust on me" there. The key is consistency. Zero preferential treatment during working hours; may be resented at first but will eventually be accepted and even appreciated. YOU have to set the example by never allowing the your personal feelings to interfere with your professional judgment. (and don't let YOUR feelings be hurt by "friends" behavior at work.)

Simply explain to your friends that you are ambitious and therefore are forced to view personal and professional time completely separately. You are not the boss on personal time and you are not a buddy while punched in. Real friends will understand this. If they don't; your professional relationship is the only one that merits consideration. Act accordingly.
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 12:22 pm
My wife went through a similar situation, and made a pledge to rid herself of toxic friends, especially those she had to work with. These 'friends' need to know that personal crap stays out of the workplace, period. If they don't get it, they are toxic indeed. Bill's thoughts are really great too. Work is work, and play is play. You must keep the two seperate.
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 12:25 pm
I also love Bill's idea of taking the employees out after work hours, have a few drinks, and say, hey, it's free time now, bust on me if you want. That is some seriously cool management.
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 01:13 pm
Cav, I remember one fellow, in his 60's, who got such a kick out of getting the ball rolling with: "you're a real azzhole, you know that?" I swear he looked like a child getting away with something, every time he said it. He knew the game well, but loved it. We had an unwritten agreement that I'd treat him as a whipping boy at work on occasion; when I needed to get a serious point across to someone else, who was too delicate to take my demeanor directly. The effect was an appearance of absolute authority (which is important when managing much more than 8 people), while at work… but the after hours, extracurricular activities knitted us into a close family type relationship. That was the most efficient, productive crew I have ever managed. I owe much of the crew's loyalty to my friend's "you're a real azzhole, you know that?"
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Region Philbis
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 02:09 pm
what exactly is a toxic friend?
( Confused + Embarrassed for not knowing...)

there's a department on my floor that has a group of people who've worked together for years -- they all go out to lunch everyday, socialize with each other on a regular basis, and probably know each other's families on a first-name basis.

they all work very well with each other, i think, because of the camaraderie.

i also agree with the "different hats" theory -- a distinction has to be made between working and personal relationships, and the 2 should never overlap.
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soccermom
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2004 03:20 pm
Region- I used the word toxic as a generic term. But, basically they are all very clicky, talk about one another when part of the TEAM isnt there, and act like they are totally on the same level as I am until a group situation occurs then one of them acts dumb. Thats just at the workplace, socially they have helped me get into some BAD situations that a married soccermom shouldn't be. I realize that I am to blame for alot of this, but going to a higher up wouldn't work either. Thanks for all of the advice
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