TEXAS IS FOR DUMMIES

Oh, you're in good form tonight, Misti.

Now, Roger, how did I know you'd catch that so soon? You're sharp kiddo!

Paddy Cassidy lays at my feet, as we speak. I know he wants to go to bed, he usually goes in before me, but for some reason tonight he's waiting....... who can figure a cat?

not me, and i've lived with them forever.

And here's more evidence of Texas-sized stupidity, courtesy of the Houston Chronicle:

OUR ROVING AMBASSADORS
Anna Nicole Smith's TV show, featuring the former topless dancer who married a Houston oil billionaire, debuted on the E! channel with the buxom model simulating sex on a bed, raiding the refrigerator and barking to her dog, "Sugar Pie, stop smelling my bellybutton!"

DO YOU HAVE ANY 80-YEAR-OLD BILLIONAIRES?
Anna Nicole joined a dating agency to try to find a new boyfriend.

PROOF THAT THE END IS NIGH
Despite withering reviews, the E! Entertainment channel announced a second season for The Anna Nicole Show.

UHH ... NOTHING?
A book given to guests at a luncheon hosted by the University of St. Thomas Center for Ethics contained a chapter by ex-Enron chief Ken Lay titled "What Should a CEO Expect from the Board of Directors?"

THE HARDEST PART WAS PERSUADING THEM TO ACCEPT STOCK OPTIONS AS COLLATERAL
When bailout expert Stephen Cooper took over as CEO of Enron, one of his first duties was convincing some delivery guys not to repossess the water coolers.

BIN LADEN IS ROTFL
Travis Wright told Houston FBI agents he had intercepted online messages from terrorists planning a missile attack on the Winter Olympics, but confessed it was a lie before officials had to decide whether to evacuate Salt Lake and cancel President Bush's visit.

HONEY DON'T
The worst outbreak of giant sap-sucking bark aphids in 20 years caused a veritable rain of "honeydew" -- sticky, sugary anal secretions -- from treetop colonies throughout Harris County.

WE'LL TAKE THE GIANT APHIDS
In tribute to Houston's unofficial status as the capital of prescription cough-syrup abuse, rapper Big Moe titled his new CD City of Syrup and adorned the cover with purple liquid oozing over the skyline.

"YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED"
Less than 48 hours after running over her husband with her Mercedes-Benz in the parking lot of a Nassau Bay hotel, Clara Harris called the Blue Moon private detective agency and asked for a refund. She had paid the agency to follow her husband to see if he was having an affair.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING IN THE FINE PRINT
Blue Moon told Harris she was not entitled to a refund because she violated the terms of the contract by showing up at the hotel where he was having a tryst.

GUNS DO THE DARNEDEST THINGS
A Houston man accidentally killed himself while demonstrating to a woman how safe his gun was.

BUT SHE'D GO FOR THE MATCHING ENRON LAVA LAMPS
Ed Massey popped $10,500 at the bankruptcy auction for one of Enron's famous "crooked E" icons and planned to turn it into a glass-covered coffee table for his wife -- until she said it was too big for the living room.

AND THE OSCAR FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS GOES TO...
On the Today show, Linda Lay said the family was broke, despite owning a lavish Houston penthouse and three homes in Aspen.

'SCUSE US WHILE WE JUS' PUKE
After the Enron debacle, Linda Lay opened a resale shop, called Jus' Stuff, featuring antiques and decorative pieces from the various Lay homes.

COMO SE DICE "JERK?"
Houston cabdriver Tony Mitchell, who had posted an "English only" sign in his taxi, was ticketed for misdemeanor assault after he forcibly ejected a Colombian businessman for answering two cell-phone calls in Spanish.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO DIET
For his last meal at Huntsville, death row inmate Leonard Rojas requested fried chicken, salad, french fries, French toast, apple pie and diet Coca-Cola.

DIET ANOTHER DAY
For his last meal, condemned killer Stanley Baker ordered two 16-ounce ribeyes, 12 strips of bacon, two large hamburgers, two loaded baked potatoes, four slices of cheese or a half-pound of grated cheddar, chef salad with blue cheese dressing, two ears of corn on the cob, one pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and four vanilla Cokes.

SHE'S ALREADY GOT THE HANG OF IT
Enron bankruptcy lawyer Brian Rosen brought his 11-year-old daughter to court in July because he had missed "Take your daughter to work day" in April, then told the judge that even though he was not objecting to anything, his daughter wanted him to say "objection."

WHAT KIND OF AN EXAMPLE IS THAT?
Rosen, whose firm bills Enron nearly $6 million a month, said the time his daughter spent walking motions to the bench would not be added to the tab.

THEY SAY WE'RE FAT WITH TREES OF BROWN, BUT WE DON'T CARE, WE'LL STICK AROUND
Men's Fitness magazine named Houston the nation's fattest city for the second year in a row.

BIG FAT OAKS FROM PLUMP LITTLE ACORNS GROW
A Texas Children's Hospital study found that more than a third of Houston children are significantly overweight.

THEY WANTED TO CELEBRATE HOUSTON'S "FAT CITY" WIN
Frankie Mandola's Steaks & Burgers added fried Twinkies to its menu.

THEN THEY ALL WENT TO FRANKIE MANDOLA'S FOR FRIED TWINKIES
The new Pollo Campero Guatemalan fast-food restaurant served more than 2 1/2 TONS of fried chicken to 3,200 diners on opening day.

CALLING ALL CORNEAS
The UT Medical Branch at Galveston was forced to recall unembalmed human body parts shipped to researchers by its Willed Body Program after it was discovered that they might be carrying infectious or fatal diseases.

HE THOUGHT HE WORKED FOR THE UT MEDICAL GHOUL
The FBI investigated Allen Tyler Jr., who directed UTMB's Willed Body Program, for the possible illegal sale of body parts.

AND THEY DON'T LIKE THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, EITHER
A Montgomery County citizens' group called the Republican Leadership Council demanded that the Portofino Plaza mall, which had adorned its parapets with a replica of Michelangelo's David, place a fig leaf over the statue's privates.

THOSE DARN HUMANS
While the new $25 million eSlate electronic voting system worked like a charm, vote counts weren't finished until seven hours after the polls closed because it took workers so long to transport the ballots and release the totals.

HILLARY CLINTON MUST BE AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS
Houston radio talk show hosts had a field day because Lanier teacher Jim Henley, who led the group, is the brother of Whitewater figure Susan MacDougal.

OUR ROVING AMBASSADORS, PART II
When French officials told Houston socialite Becca Cason Thrash that fire codes forbade her to have candles at her 50th birthday dinner at the Chateau de Chantilly, just outside Paris, she installed a firefighter at each lighted candelabrum.

NEXT YEAR, LIFEGUARDS AT EACH TABLE
At a party at the Thrash home, presidential niece Lauren Bush's date accidentally fell into an indoor pool -- along with two other guests -- because performers on a stage suspended over the water had asked Thrash to turn off the pool lights.

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM?
Thrash earned the nickname TriBecca because she changes designer outfits three times during her parties.

GET HIM A BIG SUPPLY OF CHAP STICK
Bigmouth NBA star-turned-commentator Charles Barkley proclaimed that if Houston Rockets rookie Yao Ming scored 19 points in a game, he would kiss fellow analyst Kenny Smith's posterior on national TV.

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
When Yao scored 20 points in a win over the L.A. Lakers, Smith provided a male donkey so that Barkley could kiss its behind instead.

JUST THINK HOW TALL HE'D BE IN BECCA'S MANOLO BLAHNIKS
The NBA lists Yao Ming's height at 7-feet-5; the Rockets say it's 7-feet-6. Explained a Rockets spokesman, "He plays in shoes."

Oh yeah? Not all of us are stupid. We've got - No, they're stupid, too. Wait. Give me a chance to think. I'll be back when and if I come up with some not stupid Texans.

In Godley, Tex., a 20-year-old man was fatally shot as he was wrestling for a gun with a 21-year-old man. Police said the two had been aggressively debating which of the two was more likely to get to Heaven.

argument settled: the 20 year old. And you thought Texans were stupid.


When I was in boot camp, in my company, three of us hailed from the Lone Star state. One day the other Texans started a fight for no particular reason, except one did not like the other or something. I felt embarrassed standing there. One grabs his M16; the other takes it away. More struggle. The one that had grabbed the gun was bloodied and losing badly. He says it's fun and wants to go on. They were both shortly sent home permanently

Nothing stupid about that, edgar; "both were sent home permanently"...

For some reason that makes me think of Clyde Barrow, another brilliant Texan, who cut most of the toes off his foot with an axe while incarcerated.

Much better to be lying in bed doing nothing as opposed to being on chain-gang work detail.

Texas are definitely a 'breed apart', but I have not noticed 'stupidity' among them. And, at least they are not famous for "in-breeding", LOL!

Actually, I felt the same about 18 years ago when I lived in Texas as I did this last year when I lived in Texas - it is a whole other country, not just a state. I swear the state really is unlike any other, politics, religion, and onriness are part of the Texan personnae. And Texas is amazingly beautiful - drive for 4 hours and enter an entirely different landscape with contrasts to where you were. I think that landscapes and regions shape people's personalities. Think of a person who grows up always with wide open range land and then they must live in NYC in Manhattan. Or a person used to the ocean, and now in Utah, surrounded by talk, spikey rock-tumbled mountain peaks. Of course Texans will be always 'different' out of their own environment.

Now, I shall see what Arizonians are all about, as I am landed now in Mormon-land...

Only thing, PDiddie, these two were not drafted.

edgar: you should've shot them both when you had the chance.

You know what we say here: "They NEEDED killin'."

Know why Texans pack two guns? One don't shoot far enough.

I think I'll have a six pack of 'Bud Wiser' and go choke on a few pretzels.

I've always been fond of Ann Richards:


Last I heard she's moved out of Texas to NYC, she can't be all that dumb.

Does she have a tongue stud?

I remember Ann with more affection than any other governor we've had. She certainly was not dumb.

wow, and i thought guam had loonies!

i know 1 non-stupid texan, works across the hall from me. has a lot of fond memories of tejas.

my wife has a sister living in ft. worth. haven't determined if she's stupid or not yet.

In comparison to her predecessors Dolph Briscoe, Bill Clements, Mark White--and her successor in Austin, of course--Ann was a bright light of brilliance in an otherwise dreary sea of slow-wittedness.

No tongue stud and not anywhere close to stupid.

What you see in her mouth is probably a Tic-Tac to mask her vodka breath.

Ann used to like to drink a little. That didn't mean she was stupid either, especially when she quit.